Lying in A Relationship

Every relationship is built on a single material, and the material is trust, and the trust is built out of the truth, and the truth, spoken consistently, is the thing that makes the relationship hold. The lie is the thing that breaks the material. The lie is not a small thing. The lie is the crack in the foundation, and the crack, small at first, is the thing that, over time, lets the water in, and the water, over time, is the thing that undermines the whole structure, and the undermining, unseen, is the thing that produces the collapse that seems sudden but that has been happening for years.

This is a book about lying in a relationship — about what the lie is, why the lying happens, what the lying does to the relationship, how to stop the lying, and how to rebuild the trust the lying has broken. It is written from fifteen years of clinical practice with people who came in describing their relationships as broken, and who, in the work, turned out to be in relationships that were not broken but lied-in — relationships in which the love was real, the commitment was real, the desire for the relationship to work was real, and the lying, persistent and unaddressed, had eroded the trust the relationship required, and the eroded trust was the brokenness they were experiencing. The lying was the cause. The lying, addressed, was the cure.

Who This Book Is For

It is for the person who is lying in their relationship, who knows the lying is wrong, who wants to stop, and who does not know how. It is for the person who has been lied to, who is carrying the wound of the betrayal, and who wants to understand what happened and whether the trust can be rebuilt. It is for the person who is in a relationship that is good but that has a small lying problem, who wants to address it before it becomes a large one. It is for the person between relationships, who has lied in the past and who wants the next relationship to be honest, and who is willing to do the work on the lying before the next relationship begins. It is for the clinician who works with couples and individuals, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and practical enough to use. It is for anyone who has ever told a lie to someone they loved and felt the distance the lie created, and who has wondered why.

What This Book Is Not

This book is not a moral lecture. It is not a sermon on the sin of lying, or a philosophical argument about why lying is wrong. The argument here is clinical, not moral. The lying is addressed not because it is bad but because it is destructive — destructive to the person who lies, destructive to the person who is lied to, destructive to the relationship that depends on the truth. The destruction is the thing this book is about, and the addressing of the destruction is the thing this book is for.

This book is also not a substitute for the clinical care that some situations require. If the lying is part of a pattern of manipulation, control, or abuse — if the lying is used as a weapon, or as a means of gaslighting, or as a tool for maintaining power over another person — the practices in this book will not fix the relationship, because the relationship is not a lying problem. It is an abuse problem, and the abuse must be addressed before the lying can be worked on, and the addressing of the abuse is a different kind of work, often requiring professional help and, sometimes, requiring the ending of the relationship. If you are in a relationship where lying is used to harm you, the first thing you need is safety — a domestic violence hotline (800-799-7233 in the United States), a clinician, a trusted person. Get safe first. The chapters will be here when you are.

The Structure of the Book

The book is built around six chapters, and the six, together, are the practice. The first chapter — this one — is the foundation: what the lie is, what it does, and why the work of addressing it is the work that saves the relationship. The second chapter is about why people lie — the roots of the lying, in the fear, the shame, the habit, the history, and the avoidance that the lying is built on. The third chapter is about the damage — what the lying does to the trust, to the lied-to, to the liar, and to the relationship, and why the damage, unaddressed, is the thing that ends the relationship. The fourth chapter is about how to stop — the practice of honesty, the skills, the discipline, and the willingness the stopping requires. The fifth chapter is about rebuilding — the long work of repairing the trust the lying has broken, and the work is long because the trust, broken, is not rebuilt quickly. The sixth chapter is about the honest relationship — the relationship that is built on the truth, and the truth, spoken consistently, is the thing that makes the relationship hold, and the holding is the thing the whole book is for.

A Word on the Word "Lying"

The word "lying" is used here broadly. It includes the outright lie — the statement that is knowingly false, spoken with the intent to deceive. It includes the lie of omission — the truth that is withheld, the information that is kept back, the thing that is not said that, if said, would change the other person's understanding. It includes the white lie — the small, "harmless" untruth told to avoid discomfort, to protect feelings, to keep the peace. It includes the exaggeration — the truth stretched, the story embellished, the self aggrandized. It includes the false promise — the commitment made that the maker does not intend to keep. All of these are lies, and all of them, in the relationship, do the damage, and the damage, from the small lie and the large lie, is the same damage, and the same damage is the thing this book addresses.

The broad use of the word is not to make everything a lie. It is to be honest about the fact that the lying that erodes relationships is not always the dramatic betrayal. Often, it is the accumulation of the small lies — the omissions, the white lies, the exaggerations, the false promises — that does the most damage, because the small lies, told consistently, teach the other person that the truth is not safe, and the learning, once learned, is the thing that makes the trust impossible, and the impossible trust is the thing that ends the relationship.

The Lie and the Truth

The lie and the truth are not opposites in the way most people think. The lie is not the absence of the truth. The lie is the active replacement of the truth with something else, and the replacement, active, is the thing that does the damage, because the replacement tells the other person that the truth, to the liar, is not worth telling, and the not-worth-telling is the thing that the lied-to experiences as the betrayal, and the betrayal is the thing that breaks the trust.

The truth, in a relationship, is not just the factual accuracy. The truth is the willingness to let the other person see what is actually happening — in you, in the relationship, in the life you are sharing. The truth is the transparency, and the transparency is the thing that makes the trust possible, because the trust requires the knowing, and the knowing requires the truth, and the truth, spoken, is the thing that makes the knowing available, and the available knowing is the thing the trust is built on.

The lie, any lie, interrupts the knowing. The lie tells the other person that they do not have the full picture, and the not-having-the-full-picture is the thing that makes the trust impossible, because the trust, to be real, must be the trust in the whole person, and the whole person, hidden by the lie, is the person the lied-to cannot trust, because the lied-to cannot trust what they cannot see.

The Work Ahead

The work ahead is the work of the truth — the stopping of the lying, the rebuilding of the trust, and the building of the honest relationship. The work is not easy. The lying, for the person who lies, is often a deeply ingrained pattern, and the pattern, ingrained, is the thing that does not change without the effort, and the effort, sustained, is the thing that the work requires. The rebuilding, for the person who has been lied to, is often a long process, and the process, long, is the thing that does not complete without the patience, and the patience, held, is the thing that the work requires.

But the work is worth doing. The honest relationship — the relationship built on the truth, maintained by the truth, and held together by the truth — is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing that gives the people in it the life the relationship is meant to give. The lying, stopped, is the thing that makes the honesty possible, and the honesty, practiced, is the thing that makes the trust possible, and the trust, rebuilt, is the thing that makes the relationship possible, and the relationship, possible, is the thing the whole book is for.

Begin.

The lying, in a relationship, is never random. The lying is always rooted — in something, in a reason, in a need that the lying is trying to meet. The understanding of the roots is the first step in the stopping, because the stopping, to be real, must address the roots, and the roots, unaddressed, will produce the lying again, and the again is the thing that defeats the stopping.

This chapter is about the roots of the lying — the fear, the shame, the habit, the history, and the avoidance that the lying is built on, and the understanding of each is the thing that makes the addressing of each possible, and the addressing is the thing that makes the stopping real.

The Root of Fear

The first root of the lying is fear, and the fear is the most common root, and the fear is the thing that most people, when they lie, are lying from. The fear is the fear of the consequences of the truth — the fear of the other person's reaction, the fear of the conflict, the fear of the rejection, the fear of the judgment, the fear of the loss. The person who lies from fear is the person who has decided, often unconsciously, that the truth is not safe, and the not-safe truth is the thing that the lie is protecting, and the protecting is the thing the lying is for.

The fear is real, and the fear is often based on experience. The person who has learned, early in life, that the truth is met with anger, or with punishment, or with withdrawal, is the person who, in adulthood, lies to avoid the anger, the punishment, the withdrawal, and the lying is the survival strategy the early learning produced. The strategy, learned in a context where the truth was not safe, is the strategy that is applied in the new context, even when the new context is safe, and the application is the thing that keeps the lying going, and the going is the thing that the addressing of the fear must interrupt.

The addressing of the fear is not the dismissing of it. The fear is real, and the dismissing of the fear is the thing that makes the fear stronger, because the dismissing tells the person that their fear is not valid, and the not-valid is the thing that makes the person feel unseen, and the unseen is the thing that makes the lying more likely, not less. The addressing of the fear is the acknowledging of it — the recognition that the fear is real, that the fear is based on something, and that the something, addressed, is the thing that makes the fear less, and the less is the thing that makes the truth safer, and the safer is the thing that makes the lying less necessary.

The Root of Shame

The second root of the lying is shame, and the shame is the thing that the lying is most often hiding, and the hiding is the thing that the lying is for. The shame is the feeling that there is something wrong with you — not that you did something wrong, but that you are something wrong, and the something-wrong is the thing that the shame says, and the saying, believed, is the thing that makes the hiding necessary, and the hiding is the thing the lying does.

The person who carries shame is the person who believes, at some level, that if the other person saw the truth — the real self, the real feelings, the real thoughts, the real desires, the real failures — the other person would reject them, and the rejection is the thing the shame is afraid of, and the fear of the rejection is the thing that produces the lying, and the lying is the thing that hides the self, and the hiding is the thing that the shame requires.

The shame is often rooted in early experience — in the messages, received in childhood or in past relationships, that the self was not acceptable, that the feelings were not acceptable, that the desires were not acceptable, that the failures were not acceptable. The messages, received, became the beliefs, and the beliefs, held, became the shame, and the shame, carried, became the lying, and the lying, practiced, became the pattern, and the pattern is the thing that the addressing of the shame must interrupt.

The addressing of the shame is the work of the self-acceptance, and the self-acceptance is the practice of accepting the self as it is, not as it should be, and the accepting is the thing that makes the hiding less necessary, and the less-necessary hiding is the thing that makes the lying less likely. The self-acceptance is not the self-approval. It is not the celebration of the flaws. It is the honest recognition of the self, and the honest recognition is the thing that makes the truth tellable, and the tellable truth is the thing that makes the lying unnecessary.

The Root of Habit

The third root of the lying is habit, and the habit is the thing that the lying, practiced over time, becomes, and the becoming is the thing that makes the lying automatic, and the automatic is the thing that makes the stopping hard. The person who has lied for years — to avoid, to protect, to manage, to control — is the person for whom the lying has become the default, and the default is the thing that operates without the thinking, and the without-thinking is the thing that makes the lying happen before the person has decided to lie, and the before-the-deciding is the thing that makes the lying feel uncontrollable.

The habit is real, and the habit is the thing that the stopping must address, and the addressing of the habit is the work of the conscious choosing — the practice of noticing the impulse to lie, and the choosing, in the moment, to tell the truth instead, and the choosing, repeated, is the thing that builds the new habit, and the new habit is the habit of the truth, and the truth, practiced, becomes the default, and the default is the thing that replaces the lying.

The habit is addressed not by willpower alone but by the practice. The willpower is the thing that fails under stress, and the stress is the thing that the lying is most often responding to, and the responding under stress is the thing that the willpower cannot override. The practice is the thing that builds the new response, and the new response, built, is the thing that operates under stress, and the operating under stress is the thing that the willpower cannot do, and the cannot-do is the thing the practice addresses.

The Root of History

The fourth root of the lying is history, and the history is the personal history of the liar, and the history is the thing that the lying is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the addressing of the lying must understand. The person who lies is the person who learned to lie somewhere, and the somewhere is the history, and the history is the thing that shaped the lying, and the shaping is the thing that the stopping must address.

The history may be the family of origin — the family where the truth was not safe, where the lying was the survival, where the honesty was punished and the deception was rewarded. The history may be a past relationship — the relationship where the truth was met with violence, or with abandonment, or with betrayal, and the lying was the protection, and the protection was the thing that the lying was for. The history may be a culture — a culture where the lying is normalized, where the honesty is naive, where the deception is the expected.

The addressing of the history is the work of the understanding — the understanding that the lying is not just a choice but a pattern, and the pattern is rooted in the history, and the history, understood, is the thing that makes the pattern changeable, and the changeable is the thing that the stopping requires. The understanding is not the excuse. The understanding is the explanation, and the explanation is the thing that makes the addressing possible, and the addressing is the thing that makes the stopping real.

The Root of Avoidance

The fifth root of the lying is avoidance, and the avoidance is the thing that the lying is most often doing, and the doing is the thing that the lying is for. The avoidance is the avoidance of the discomfort — the discomfort of the conflict, the discomfort of the disappointment, the discomfort of the vulnerability, the discomfort of the honesty. The person who lies to avoid is the person who has decided, often unconsciously, that the discomfort is not worth the truth, and the not-worth is the thing that the lying is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the addressing of the avoidance must interrupt.

The avoidance is understandable, and the avoidance is the thing that most people, at some point, do. The truth, in a relationship, is often uncomfortable, and the discomfort is the thing that the lying avoids, and the avoiding is the thing that feels, in the moment, like the kinder, easier, better choice. But the avoidance, practiced, is the thing that erodes the relationship, because the truth, avoided, is the truth that is not told, and the not-told truth is the thing that produces the distance, and the distance, grown, is the thing that ends the relationship.

The addressing of the avoidance is the work of the willingness — the willingness to be uncomfortable, the willingness to have the conflict, the willingness to disappoint, the willingness to be vulnerable, the willingness to be honest. The willingness is the thing that makes the truth tellable, and the tellable truth is the thing that makes the lying unnecessary, and the unnecessary lying is the thing that makes the relationship honest, and the honest relationship is the thing the whole book is for.

The Roots Together

The roots of the lying — the fear, the shame, the habit, the history, the avoidance — are not separate. They are intertwined, and the intertwining is the thing that makes the lying complex, and the complex is the thing that makes the stopping hard. The person who lies from fear is often the person who carries shame, and the shame is often rooted in the history, and the history has produced the habit, and the habit is the thing that the avoidance maintains, and the maintaining is the thing that keeps the lying going.

The addressing of the lying is the addressing of all the roots, and the all is the thing that makes the work comprehensive, and the comprehensive is the thing that makes the stopping real. The addressing of one root, without the others, is the thing that produces the temporary stopping, and the temporary stopping is the thing that becomes the returning, and the returning is the thing that defeats the work. The addressing of all the roots is the thing that produces the lasting stopping, and the lasting stopping is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible, and the rebuilding is the thing the next chapter is about, and the about is the thing that the whole book is for.

The lying, in a relationship, is not free. The lying costs, and the cost is the trust, and the trust, eroded, is the thing that the relationship is built on, and the built-on, eroded, is the thing that produces the collapse. This chapter is about the damage — what the lying does to the trust, to the lied-to, to the liar, and to the relationship, and the understanding of the damage is the thing that makes the addressing of the lying urgent, and the urgent is the thing that motivates the work.

What Lying Does to Trust

The trust, in a relationship, is the belief that the other person is telling the truth, and the belief, held, is the thing that makes the relationship safe, and the safe is the thing that allows the people in the relationship to be themselves, and the being-themselves is the thing the relationship is for. The lying, any lying, interrupts the belief, and the interrupted belief is the thing that makes the trust impossible, and the impossible trust is the thing that makes the relationship unsafe, and the unsafe is the thing that makes the being-oneself impossible, and the impossible being-oneself is the thing that defeats the relationship.

The damage the lying does to the trust is not proportional to the size of the lie. The small lie, told consistently, does the same damage as the large lie, told once, because the damage is not in the content of the lie but in the fact of the lying, and the fact of the lying is the thing that teaches the lied-to that the truth is not safe, and the not-safe truth is the thing that makes the trust impossible. The person who has been told a small lie is the person who has learned that the truth, to the liar, is not worth telling, and the not-worth-telling is the thing that makes the person question everything, and the questioning everything is the thing that makes the trust impossible.

The trust, once broken, is not rebuilt quickly. The rebuilding is the work of the consistency — the consistent truth, told over time, is the thing that rebuilds the trust, and the over time is the thing that the rebuilding requires, and the requires is the thing that makes the rebuilding long, and the long is the thing that the person who has been lied to must be willing to endure, and the willing is the thing that the person who has lied must be willing to provide, and the providing is the thing that the rebuilding is built on.

What Lying Does to the Lied-To

The lying, to the person who is lied to, is a wound, and the wound is the wound of the betrayal, and the betrayal is the thing that the lied-to experiences as the deepest hurt, and the deepest hurt is the thing that the lying does to the lied-to. The betrayal is not just the discovery of the lie. The betrayal is the discovery that the person they trusted was not the person they thought, and the not-the-person is the thing that makes the lied-to question everything — the past, the present, the future, the self, the relationship, the life. The questioning is the thing that the betrayal produces, and the questioning is the thing that is the wound.

The wound of the betrayal is the wound of the reality breaking. The lied-to, before the discovery, lived in a reality that they believed was real, and the reality was built on the truth they thought they were receiving, and the receiving, trusted, was the thing that made the reality feel solid, and the solid was the thing that made the lied-to feel safe. The discovery of the lying breaks the reality, and the broken reality is the thing that makes the lied-to feel ungrounded, and the ungrounded is the thing that the betrayal produces, and the ungrounded is the thing that is the wound.

The wound of the betrayal is also the wound of the self-doubt. The lied-to, after the discovery, questions themselves — why didn't I see it? How could I have been so naive? What else did I miss? Am I a bad judge of character? The self-doubt is the thing that the betrayal produces, and the self-doubt is the thing that erodes the lied-to's confidence in themselves, and the eroded confidence is the thing that makes the lied-to feel small, and the small is the thing that the betrayal does to the lied-to, and the done-to is the thing that is the wound.

The wound of the betrayal is also the wound of the hypervigilance. The lied-to, after the discovery, is on guard — watching for the next lie, checking the phone, verifying the stories, questioning the words. The hypervigilance is the thing that the betrayal produces, and the hypervigilance is the thing that makes the lied-to feel anxious, and the anxious is the thing that makes the lied-to feel exhausted, and the exhausted is the thing that the betrayal does to the lied-to, and the done-to is the thing that is the wound.

What Lying Does to the Liar

The lying, to the person who lies, is also a wound, and the wound is less obvious but no less real, and the real is the thing that the liar often does not see, and the not-seeing is the thing that makes the wound deeper. The wound to the liar is the wound of the self-betrayal, and the self-betrayal is the thing that the lying is, and the is is the thing that the liar does not see, and the not-seeing is the thing that makes the lying feel like it is only hurting the other person, and the only-hurting-the-other is the thing that the liar tells themselves, and the telling is the thing that allows the lying to continue.

The self-betrayal is the thing that the lying is because the lying, to the liar, is the thing that requires the liar to abandon their own truth, and the abandoning is the thing that the self-betrayal is. The person who lies is the person who has decided, in the moment, that their truth is not worth telling, and the not-worth-telling is the thing that the self-betrayal is, and the self-betrayal, repeated, is the thing that erodes the liar's relationship with themselves, and the eroded relationship is the thing that makes the liar feel inauthentic, and the inauthentic is the thing that the lying does to the liar.

The lying also does the damage of the isolation, and the isolation is the thing that the lying produces, because the lying, to maintain, requires the distance, and the distance is the thing that the liar keeps, and the keeping is the thing that makes the liar feel alone, and the alone is the thing that the lying does to the liar. The person who lies is the person who cannot be fully known, because the full knowing would expose the lying, and the cannot-be-fully-known is the thing that makes the liar feel isolated, and the isolated is the thing that the lying produces, and the produced is the thing that is the wound.

The lying also does the damage of the anxiety, and the anxiety is the thing that the lying produces, because the lying, to maintain, requires the remembering, and the remembering is the thing that the liar must do, and the must-do is the thing that makes the liar anxious, and the anxious is the thing that the lying does to the liar. The person who lies is the person who must remember the lies, and the remembering is the thing that takes the energy, and the taken energy is the thing that makes the liar feel depleted, and the depleted is the thing that the lying produces, and the produced is the thing that is the wound.

What Lying Does to the Relationship

The lying, to the relationship, is the thing that erodes the foundation, and the eroded foundation is the thing that the relationship is built on, and the built-on, eroded, is the thing that produces the collapse. The relationship, built on the trust, is the relationship that the lying undermines, and the undermined is the thing that the lying does to the relationship, and the done-to is the thing that is the damage.

The damage to the relationship is the damage of the distance, and the distance is the thing that the lying produces, because the lying, to maintain, requires the distance, and the distance is the thing that grows, and the grown distance is the thing that makes the relationship feel empty, and the empty is the thing that the lying does to the relationship. The person who lies and the person who is lied to, over time, grow apart, and the apart is the thing that the lying produces, and the produced is the thing that is the damage.

The damage to the relationship is also the damage of the conflict, and the conflict is the thing that the lying produces, because the lying, discovered, is the thing that creates the conflict, and the conflict, created, is the thing that erodes the relationship, and the eroded is the thing that the lying does to the relationship. The person who lies and the person who is lied to, over time, have more conflict, and the more conflict is the thing that the lying produces, and the produced is the thing that is the damage.

The damage to the relationship is also the damage of the ending, and the ending is the thing that the lying, unaddressed, produces, because the lying, unaddressed, is the thing that erodes the trust completely, and the completely eroded trust is the thing that makes the relationship impossible, and the impossible is the thing that the lying, unaddressed, does to the relationship. The relationship, ended by the lying, is the relationship that the lying, addressed, could have been saved, and the could-have-been-saved is the thing that makes the addressing urgent, and the urgent is the thing that motivates the work.

The Damage Is Reversible

The damage the lying does is real, and the damage is serious, and the serious is the thing that must be faced, and the facing is the thing that the next chapters are about. But the damage is not irreversible. The trust, broken, can be rebuilt, and the rebuilding is the work of the consistency, and the consistency is the thing that the truth, told over time, provides, and the provided is the thing that rebuilds the trust, and the rebuilt trust is the thing that makes the relationship possible again, and the possible again is the thing that the whole book is for.

The reversibility of the damage is not the minimization of the damage. The damage is real, and the rebuilding is long, and the long is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the rebuilding real. But the reversibility is the hope, and the hope is the thing that makes the work worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the work sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible, and the possible is the thing the whole book is for.

The next chapter is about how to stop the lying — the practice of honesty, the skills, the discipline, and the willingness the stopping requires, and the stopping is the first step in the rebuilding, and the first step is the thing that the whole work begins with, and the begins-with is the thing that the next chapter is about.

The stopping of the lying is the first step in the rebuilding, and the stopping is the work of the practice of honesty, and the practice is the thing that the stopping requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the stopping real. This chapter is about how to stop lying — the practice of honesty, the skills, the discipline, and the willingness the stopping requires, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the lying stop, and the stop is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible.

The First Practice: Know the Truth

The first practice of honesty is to know the truth, and the knowing is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the knowing first. The person who lies is often the person who does not know their own truth — who has not attended to their own feelings, who has not examined their own thoughts, who has not identified their own needs, and the not-knowing is the thing that makes the lying easier, because the lying, to the person who does not know the truth, does not feel like the lying, because the truth, not known, is the truth that cannot be told, and the cannot-be-told is the thing that the lying fills.

The practice of knowing the truth is the practice of the self-awareness, and the self-awareness is the practice of attending to the self — the feelings, the thoughts, the needs, the desires, the fears, the shames. The attending is the thing that makes the truth known, and the known truth is the thing that can be told, and the tellable truth is the thing that makes the lying unnecessary. The practice of the self-awareness is the daily practice — the practice of checking in with the self, the practice of naming the feelings, the practice of identifying the needs, the practice of examining the thoughts. The daily practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the truth known, and the known is the thing that makes the honesty possible.

The practice of knowing the truth is also the practice of the honesty with the self, and the honesty with the self is the thing that the honesty with the other is built on, and the built-on is the thing that makes the honesty with the other real. The person who is honest with themselves is the person who can be honest with another, and the can-be-honest is the thing that the self-honesty produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the lying unnecessary.

The Second Practice: Choose the Truth

The second practice of honesty is to choose the truth, and the choosing is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the choosing the practice. The person who lies is the person who, in the moment, chooses the lie, and the choosing is the thing that the lying is, and the lying is the thing that the choosing produces. The practice of honesty is the practice of choosing the truth, in the moment, instead of the lie, and the choosing, repeated, is the thing that builds the new habit, and the new habit is the habit of the truth.

The choosing of the truth is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address. The truth, in the moment, is often the harder thing — the harder to say, the harder to hear, the harder to live with. The lie, in the moment, is often the easier thing — the easier to say, the easier to hear, the easier to live with, in the moment. But the easy, in the moment, is the thing that produces the hard, over time, and the hard, over time, is the thing that the lying produces, and the produced is the thing that the choosing of the truth must address.

The choosing of the truth is the practice of the willingness — the willingness to be uncomfortable, the willingness to have the conflict, the willingness to disappoint, the willingness to be vulnerable. The willingness is the thing that makes the choosing possible, and the possible is the thing that makes the truth tellable, and the tellable is the thing that makes the lying unnecessary. The willingness is not the thing that is there automatically. The willingness is the thing that is built, and the built is the thing that the practice produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the choosing real.

The Third Practice: Tell the Truth

The third practice of honesty is to tell the truth, and the telling is the thing that the honesty is, and the is is the thing that the practice is about. The telling of the truth is the practice of saying what is real — the real feelings, the real thoughts, the real needs, the real desires, the real fears, the real shames. The telling is the thing that the honesty is, and the honesty is the thing that the telling produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the relationship honest.

The telling of the truth is the practice of the clarity, and the clarity is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the clarity the practice. The truth, told clearly, is the truth that can be received, and the receivable is the thing that makes the telling worth doing. The truth, told unclearly, is the truth that cannot be received, and the unreceivable is the thing that makes the telling not worth doing. The clarity is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the clarity the practice.

The telling of the truth is also the practice of the timeliness, and the timeliness is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the timeliness the practice. The truth, told in the moment, is the truth that is relevant, and the relevant is the thing that makes the telling useful. The truth, told late, is the truth that is less relevant, and the less-relevant is the thing that makes the telling less useful. The timeliness is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the timeliness the practice.

The Fourth Practice: Withhold Nothing

The fourth practice of honesty is to withhold nothing, and the withholding-nothing is the thing that the full honesty requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the withholding-nothing the practice. The person who lies by omission is the person who tells the truth but not the whole truth, and the not-whole is the thing that the omission is, and the omission is the thing that does the damage. The practice of withholding nothing is the practice of telling the whole truth, and the whole truth is the thing that the full honesty is, and the full honesty is the thing that the practice produces.

The withholding nothing is the practice of the completeness, and the completeness is the thing that the telling requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the completeness the practice. The truth, told completely, is the truth that gives the other person the full picture, and the full picture is the thing that makes the trust possible. The truth, told incompletely, is the truth that gives the other person a partial picture, and the partial picture is the thing that makes the trust impossible, because the trust requires the whole, and the whole, withheld, is the thing that the trust cannot be built on.

The withholding nothing is the hardest practice, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must address, because the withholding is the thing that the lying by omission is, and the omission is the thing that is the most common form of the lying, and the most common is the thing that does the most damage, and the most damage is the thing that the withholding-nothing must address. The practice of the withholding nothing is the practice of the radical honesty, and the radical honesty is the thing that the full honesty is, and the full honesty is the thing that the practice produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the relationship honest.

The Fifth Practice: Acknowledge the Lie

The fifth practice of honesty is to acknowledge the lie, and the acknowledging is the thing that the stopping requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the acknowledging the practice. The person who has lied is the person who must acknowledge the lying, and the acknowledging is the thing that the stopping is, and the stopping is the thing that the acknowledging produces. The acknowledging is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the acknowledging is the thing that requires the admission, and the admission is the thing that requires the vulnerability, and the vulnerability is the thing that the acknowledging is.

The acknowledging of the lie is the practice of the confession, and the confession is the thing that the acknowledging is, and the is is the thing that the practice is about. The confession is the practice of telling the truth about the lying, and the telling is the thing that the acknowledging is, and the acknowledging is the thing that the stopping is. The confession is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the confession is the thing that requires the admission, and the admission is the thing that requires the vulnerability, and the vulnerability is the thing that the confession is.

The acknowledging of the lie is also the practice of the apology, and the apology is the thing that the acknowledging requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the apology the practice. The apology is the practice of expressing the regret, and the regret is the thing that the acknowledging produces, and the produced is the thing that the apology is. The apology is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the apology is the thing that requires the humility, and the humility is the thing that the apology is.

The Sixth Practice: Maintain the Truth

The sixth practice of honesty is to maintain the truth, and the maintaining is the thing that the honesty requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the maintaining the practice. The person who has stopped the lying is the person who must maintain the truth, and the maintaining is the thing that the honesty is, and the honesty is the thing that the maintaining produces. The maintaining is not the one-time thing. The maintaining is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the practice is, and the practice is the thing that the maintaining is.

The maintaining of the truth is the practice of the consistency, and the consistency is the thing that the maintaining requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the consistency the practice. The truth, told consistently, is the truth that builds the trust, and the built trust is the thing that the consistency produces. The truth, told inconsistently, is the truth that does not build the trust, and the not-built is the thing that the inconsistency produces. The consistency is the thing that the maintaining requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the consistency the practice.

The maintaining of the truth is the practice of the vigilance, and the vigilance is the thing that the maintaining requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the vigilance the practice. The person who has stopped the lying is the person who must be vigilant — vigilant for the impulse to lie, vigilant for the opportunity to omit, vigilant for the temptation to exaggerate. The vigilance is the thing that the maintaining requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the vigilance the practice, and the practice is the thing that the maintaining is.

The Practice Is the Stopping

The practice of honesty is the stopping of the lying, and the stopping is the thing that the practice produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible. The practice is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, but the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the lying stop, and the stop is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible, and the possible is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is about the rebuilding — the long work of repairing the trust the lying has broken, and the long work is the thing that the stopping makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the whole book is for.

The rebuilding of the trust is the long work, and the long is the thing that the rebuilding requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the rebuilding the work. The trust, broken by the lying, is not rebuilt quickly, and the not-quickly is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the rebuilding real. This chapter is about the rebuilding — the long work of repairing the trust the lying has broken, and the work is long because the trust, broken, is the thing that takes the time, and the time is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The First Work: The Full Acknowledgment

The first work of the rebuilding is the full acknowledgment, and the full is the thing that the acknowledgment requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the full the work. The person who has lied is the person who must acknowledge the lying fully — not partially, not selectively, not defensively, but fully. The full acknowledgment is the thing that the rebuilding begins with, and the begins-with is the thing that the full acknowledgment is.

The full acknowledgment is the acknowledgment of the facts — what was lied about, when, how, and to whom. The facts are the thing that the acknowledgment must include, and the including is the thing that makes the acknowledgment full. The person who has lied is the person who must tell the truth about the lying, and the telling is the thing that the acknowledgment is, and the acknowledgment is the thing that the rebuilding begins with.

The full acknowledgment is also the acknowledgment of the impact — what the lying did to the lied-to, what the lying did to the relationship, what the lying did to the trust. The impact is the thing that the acknowledgment must include, and the including is the thing that makes the acknowledgment full. The person who has lied is the person who must understand the impact, and the understanding is the thing that the acknowledgment requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the understanding the work.

The full acknowledgment is also the acknowledgment of the responsibility — the lying was the choice, and the choice was the liar's, and the liar's is the thing that the acknowledgment must own. The responsibility is the thing that the acknowledgment must include, and the including is the thing that makes the acknowledgment full. The person who has lied is the person who must own the lying, and the owning is the thing that the acknowledgment is, and the acknowledgment is the thing that the rebuilding begins with.

The Second Work: The Full Disclosure

The second work of the rebuilding is the full disclosure, and the full is the thing that the disclosure requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the full the work. The person who has lied is the person who must disclose the lying fully — not partially, not selectively, not defensively, but fully. The full disclosure is the thing that the rebuilding continues with, and the continues-with is the thing that the full disclosure is.

The full disclosure is the disclosure of the facts — everything that was lied about, everything that was withheld, everything that was exaggerated, everything that was falsely promised. The facts are the thing that the disclosure must include, and the including is the thing that makes the disclosure full. The person who has lied is the person who must tell the whole truth, and the whole truth is the thing that the disclosure is, and the disclosure is the thing that the rebuilding continues with.

The full disclosure is the thing that the lied-to needs, and the needs is the thing that the disclosure must address, and the addressing is the thing that makes the disclosure the work. The lied-to, after the discovery of the lying, needs the full picture, and the full picture is the thing that the disclosure provides, and the provided is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible. The partial disclosure is the thing that keeps the lied-to in the dark, and the in-the-dark is the thing that makes the rebuilding impossible, and the impossible is the thing that the full disclosure must address.

The full disclosure is the thing that the liar fears, and the fears is the thing that the disclosure must address, and the addressing is the thing that makes the disclosure the work. The person who has lied is the person who fears the full disclosure, because the full disclosure is the thing that exposes the lying, and the exposed is the thing that the liar fears, and the feared is the thing that the disclosure must address. The addressing of the fear is the thing that makes the disclosure possible, and the possible is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The Third Work: The Consistent Truth

The third work of the rebuilding is the consistent truth, and the consistent is the thing that the truth requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the consistent the work. The person who has lied is the person who must tell the truth consistently — not once, not occasionally, but consistently, over time. The consistent truth is the thing that the rebuilding is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the consistent truth is.

The consistent truth is the truth told daily, and the daily is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the daily the work. The truth, told daily, is the truth that builds the trust, and the built trust is the thing that the daily produces. The truth, told occasionally, is the truth that does not build the trust, and the not-built is the thing that the occasional produces. The daily is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the daily the work.

The consistent truth is the truth told over time, and the time is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the time the work. The truth, told over time, is the truth that rebuilds the trust, and the rebuilt trust is the thing that the time produces. The truth, told briefly, is the truth that does not rebuild the trust, and the not-rebuilt is the thing that the brief produces. The time is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the time the work.

The consistent truth is the truth told without exception, and the without-exception is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the without-exception the work. The truth, told without exception, is the truth that the lied-to can trust, and the can-trust is the thing that the without-exception produces. The truth, told with exceptions, is the truth that the lied-to cannot trust, and the cannot-trust is the thing that the with-exceptions produces. The without-exception is the thing that the consistency requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the without-exception the work.

The Fourth Work: The Patience

The fourth work of the rebuilding is the patience, and the patience is the thing that the rebuilding requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the patience the work. The rebuilding is the long work, and the long is the thing that the patience must endure, and the endure is the thing that the patience is. The person who has lied is the person who must be patient — patient with the lied-to, patient with the process, patient with the time. The patience is the thing that the rebuilding requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the patience the work.

The patience is the patience with the lied-to's healing, and the healing is the thing that the patience must allow, and the allow is the thing that the patience is. The lied-to, after the lying, is the person who must heal, and the healing is the thing that takes the time, and the time is the thing that the patience must allow. The person who has lied is the person who must not rush the healing, and the not-rushing is the thing that the patience is, and the patience is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The patience is the patience with the lied-to's questions, and the questions are the thing that the patience must allow, and the allow is the thing that the patience is. The lied-to, after the lying, is the person who has questions, and the questions are the thing that the patience must answer, and the answering is the thing that the patience is. The person who has lied is the person who must answer the questions, and the answering is the thing that the patience is, and the patience is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The patience is the patience with the lied-to's checking, and the checking is the thing that the patience must allow, and the allow is the thing that the patience is. The lied-to, after the lying, is the person who checks — checks the phone, checks the stories, checks the words. The checking is the thing that the patience must allow, and the allowing is the thing that the patience is. The person who has lied is the person who must allow the checking, and the allowing is the thing that the patience is, and the patience is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The Fifth Work: The Changed Behavior

The fifth work of the rebuilding is the changed behavior, and the changed is the thing that the behavior requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the changed the work. The person who has lied is the person who must change the behavior — not just the lying, but the behavior that the lying was part of. The changed behavior is the thing that the rebuilding requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the changed the work.

The changed behavior is the behavior that addresses the roots of the lying, and the roots are the thing that the changed behavior must address, and the addressing is the thing that makes the changed the work. The person who has lied is the person who must address the fear, the shame, the habit, the history, the avoidance that the lying was built on, and the addressing is the thing that the changed behavior is, and the changed behavior is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The changed behavior is the behavior that demonstrates the honesty, and the honesty is the thing that the changed behavior must demonstrate, and the demonstrating is the thing that makes the changed the work. The person who has lied is the person who must demonstrate the honesty — not just in words but in actions, not just in promises but in practice. The demonstrating is the thing that the changed behavior is, and the changed behavior is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The changed behavior is the behavior that is sustained, and the sustained is the thing that the changed behavior requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the sustained the work. The person who has lied is the person who must sustain the changed behavior — not for a day, not for a week, not for a month, but for the long term. The sustained is the thing that the changed behavior is, and the changed behavior is the thing that the rebuilding requires.

The Rebuilding Is the Long Work

The rebuilding is the long work, and the long is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the rebuilding real. The rebuilding is not the quick thing, and the not-quick is the thing that must be faced, and the faced is the thing that makes the rebuilding honest. The rebuilding is the work of the full acknowledgment, the full disclosure, the consistent truth, the patience, and the changed behavior, and the work, done, is the thing that rebuilds the trust, and the rebuilt trust is the thing that makes the relationship possible again, and the possible again is the thing the whole book is for.

The next chapter is about the honest relationship — the relationship that is built on the truth, and the truth, spoken consistently, is the thing that makes the relationship hold, and the holding is the thing that the whole book is for, and the for is the thing that the next chapter is about.

The honest relationship is the relationship that the whole book has been pointing toward, and the pointing is the thing that the honest relationship is the destination of, and the destination is the thing that the honest relationship is. The honest relationship is the relationship that is built on the truth, maintained by the truth, and held together by the truth, and the truth, spoken consistently, is the thing that makes the relationship hold, and the holding is the thing the whole book is for.

This chapter is about the honest relationship — what it is, how it is lived, and why it is the relationship that is worth the work.

What the Honest Relationship Is

The honest relationship is the relationship in which the truth is told — told consistently, told completely, told kindly, told timely. The truth, told consistently, is the truth that builds the trust, and the built trust is the thing that makes the relationship safe. The truth, told completely, is the truth that gives the full picture, and the full picture is the thing that makes the trust real. The truth, told kindly, is the truth that can be received, and the receivable is the thing that makes the telling worth doing. The truth, told timely, is the truth that is relevant, and the relevant is the thing that makes the telling useful.

The honest relationship is the relationship in which the lying has stopped, and the stopped is the thing that the honest relationship is built on. The person who has stopped the lying is the person who can be trusted, and the can-be-trusted is the thing that the honest relationship is built on. The person who has not stopped the lying is the person who cannot be trusted, and the cannot-be-trusted is the thing that the honest relationship cannot be built on. The stopped lying is the foundation, and the foundation is the thing that the honest relationship is built on.

The honest relationship is the relationship in which the trust has been rebuilt, and the rebuilt is the thing that the honest relationship is held together by. The trust, rebuilt, is the trust that makes the relationship safe, and the safe is the thing that allows the people in the relationship to be themselves, and the being-themselves is the thing the relationship is for. The trust, not rebuilt, is the trust that makes the relationship unsafe, and the unsafe is the thing that makes the being-oneself impossible, and the impossible is the thing that the honest relationship is not.

How the Honest Relationship Is Lived

The honest relationship is lived in the daily practice of the truth, and the daily is the thing that the honest relationship requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the daily the practice. The truth, told daily, is the truth that maintains the trust, and the maintained trust is the thing that the daily produces. The truth, told occasionally, is the truth that does not maintain the trust, and the not-maintained is the thing that the occasional produces. The daily is the thing that the honest relationship requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the daily the practice.

The honest relationship is lived in the practice of the vulnerability, and the vulnerability is the thing that the honest relationship requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the vulnerability the practice. The vulnerability is the practice of sharing the self — the feelings, the thoughts, the needs, the desires, the fears, the shames. The sharing is the thing that the vulnerability is, and the vulnerability is the thing that the honest relationship is built on, and the built-on is the thing that makes the vulnerability the practice.

The honest relationship is lived in the practice of the listening, and the listening is the thing that the honest relationship requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the listening the practice. The listening is the practice of receiving the other person's truth — the truth told, the truth felt, the truth needed. The receiving is the thing that the listening is, and the listening is the thing that the honest relationship is built on, and the built-on is the thing that makes the listening the practice.

The honest relationship is lived in the practice of the repair, and the repair is the thing that the honest relationship requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the repair the practice. The repair is the practice of addressing the small breaches — the small omissions, the small exaggerations, the small avoidances — before they become the large ones. The addressing is the thing that the repair is, and the repair is the thing that the honest relationship is built on, and the built-on is the thing that makes the repair the practice.

Why the Honest Relationship Is Worth the Work

The honest relationship is worth the work because the honest relationship is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing that gives the people in it the life the relationship is meant to give. The honest relationship is the relationship that is safe, and the safe is the thing that allows the people to be themselves, and the being-themselves is the thing that the relationship is for. The honest relationship is the relationship that is intimate, and the intimate is the thing that the truth produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the relationship alive.

The honest relationship is worth the work because the honest relationship is the relationship that is free — free of the anxiety of the lying, free of the isolation of the deception, free of the exhaustion of the maintaining. The free is the thing that the honesty produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the relationship light, and the light is the thing that the honest relationship is. The lying, stopped, is the thing that makes the freedom possible, and the possible is the thing that the honest relationship is.

The honest relationship is worth the work because the honest relationship is the relationship that is real, and the real is the thing that the truth produces, and the produced is the thing that makes the relationship meaningful. The real is the thing that the honest relationship is, and the honest relationship is the thing that the whole book is for, and the for is the thing that makes the work worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the work sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the honest relationship possible.

The Practice Is the Relationship

The honest relationship is not the destination. The honest relationship is the practice, and the practice is the thing that the honest relationship is, and the is is the thing that the honest relationship is. The honest relationship is not the thing that is arrived at and then done. The honest relationship is the thing that is practiced, daily, and the daily is the thing that the honest relationship is, and the is is the thing that the honest relationship is.

The practice of the honest relationship is the practice of the truth, the vulnerability, the listening, the repair, and the practice, done daily, is the thing that makes the honest relationship real, and the real is the thing that the honest relationship is. The practice is not the means to the honest relationship. The practice is the honest relationship, and the honest relationship is the practice, and the practice, done, is the thing that the whole book is for.

A Final Word

The lying, in a relationship, is the thing that breaks the trust, and the trust, broken, is the thing that the relationship is built on, and the built-on, broken, is the thing that produces the collapse. The lying, stopped, is the thing that makes the honesty possible, and the honesty, practiced, is the thing that makes the trust possible, and the trust, rebuilt, is the thing that makes the relationship possible, and the relationship, possible, is the thing that the whole book is for.

The work is not easy. The stopping of the lying is the work of the practice, and the practice is the thing that requires the willingness, and the willingness is the thing that must be built, and the built is the thing that the practice produces. The rebuilding of the trust is the long work, and the long is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the rebuilding real. The honest relationship is the practice, and the practice is the thing that must be done, and the done is the thing that the honest relationship is.

But the work is worth doing. The honest relationship — the relationship built on the truth, maintained by the truth, and held together by the truth — is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing that gives the people in it the life the relationship is meant to give. The truth, spoken, is the thing that makes the relationship real, and the real is the thing that makes the relationship worth having, and the worth-having is the thing that the whole book is for, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the truth, spoken, is the thing that makes it so.

You did not choose the patterns that produced the lying. You can choose, in the moment you begin the practice, to do the work the honesty requires. The practice is here. The work is clear. The honest relationship, built by the practice, is the relationship that is waiting, and the waiting is the thing this book has been honoring, and the honoring is the thing the book is, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the truth, spoken, is the thing that makes it so.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C