Family Outing With the Kids

A family outing is not, in itself, a hard thing to organize. You pick a place, you load the car, you go. The hard thing — the thing this book is about — is the purpose. The purpose is the reason the outing exists, beyond the logistics, and the purpose, when it is held, is the thing that turns the outing from a trip into a memory, and from a memory into a building block of the family. Most families do the outing. Many families do not hold the purpose. The families that hold the purpose are the families whose children, grown, remember the outings as the times the family was most itself, and the remembering is the thing the purpose produces.

This is a book about the purpose. It is written from fifteen years of clinical practice with families, and from the observation that the families that thrive are not the families that do the most outings but the families that do the outings with the most intention. The intention is the purpose, and the purpose, named and held, is the thing that makes the outing do the work the outing is capable of doing — the work of connection, of memory, of identity, of the slow, steady building of the family as a unit that the children carry with them into adulthood.

What This Book Is

This is a practical and clinical guide to family outings with a purpose. It is not a list of destinations, or a rating of attractions, or a guide to the most Instagrammable spots. It is a guide to the why — the reason the outing exists, the thing it is meant to build, the way it is meant to be done so that it builds the thing. The book is built around the recognition that the outing is an opportunity, and the opportunity, used well, is one of the most reliable tools a family has for the work of being a family, and the opportunity, used poorly, is just a trip, and the trip, without the purpose, is forgotten by the children by the next week.

The book is for the parent who wants the outings to matter. The parent who has done the outings — the zoo, the park, the beach, the hike, the museum — and who has noticed, in the way you notice things about your own children, that the outings are not landing the way you hoped, that the children are not connecting, that the family is not becoming more itself, and who wants to understand why, and what to do about it. It is for the parent who is new to the outings, and who wants to do them well from the start. It is for the clinician who works with families, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and practical enough to use. It is for anyone who has ever come home from a family outing more exhausted and less connected than when they left, and who has wondered why.

The Six Things This Book Is About

The book is built around six things, and the six things are the architecture of a purposeful family outing, in the order they matter. The six are: the purpose itself; the choosing of the outing to fit the purpose; the preparation that makes the purpose land; the being-present that makes the outing real; the conversation that makes the outing a memory; and the return that makes the outing last. The chapters that follow take each in turn, and the taking, together, is the practice.

The purpose is the first, and it is the thing the whole book is built on, because the outing without the purpose is the outing that does not build, and the building is the thing the outing is for. The choosing is the second, and it is the thing that matches the outing to the purpose, because the outing that does not fit the purpose is the outing that cannot build the purpose, no matter how well it is done. The preparation is the third, and it is the thing that sets the outing up to land, because the landing is not automatic, and the not-automatic is the thing the preparation addresses. The being-present is the fourth, and it is the thing that makes the outing real, because the outing done with the phone in the hand and the mind on the work is the outing that the children experience as absent, and the absent is the thing the being-present prevents. The conversation is the fifth, and it is the thing that makes the outing a memory, because the memory is not the outing itself but the story told about it, and the story, told, is the thing the conversation produces. The return is the sixth, and it is the thing that makes the outing last, because the lasting is not the outing but the integration of the outing into the family's ongoing story, and the integration is the thing the return produces.

The Outing as a Tool of the Family

The family is not a static thing. It is a living, changing, developing thing, and the development, like the development of anything living, requires the right inputs, and the inputs, given consistently, are the thing that produces the growth. The family outing, done with purpose, is one of the most reliable inputs. It is the time when the family is, deliberately, together, away from the routines that shape the ordinary days, and the togetherness, away from the routines, is the thing that lets the family see itself, and the seeing is the thing that lets the family become more itself.

The outing is also the time when the children see the parents as people, not just as the managers of the household, and the seeing is the thing that builds the relationship that the children will carry into adulthood. The parent who is, on the outing, the person who is curious about the world, who is patient with the unexpected, who is present with the children, who is joyful in the small things — that parent is the person the children are watching, and the watching is the thing that forms the children's sense of what a person is, and the sense, formed, is the thing the children carry, and the carrying is the thing that makes the outing worth doing.

The Cost of the Purposeless Outing

The cost of the purposeless outing is not dramatic. It is quiet. It is the outing that happens, and that is forgotten. It is the trip that the children do not remember, because there was nothing in it to remember — no moment of connection, no shared experience, no story that became part of the family. The cost, accumulated, is the family that did the outings but did not build the memories, and the not-building is the thing that the parents, looking back, regret, and the regret is the thing this book is meant to prevent.

The cost is also the outing that goes wrong — the outing that becomes a conflict, that ends in tears, that produces the car-ride-home silence that is the opposite of the connection the outing was meant to build. The outing that goes wrong is, very often, the outing that was done without the purpose, and the without-the-purpose is the thing that left the outing to the mercy of the logistics, and the logistics, unmanaged by the purpose, are the thing that produces the conflict, and the conflict is the thing the purpose, held, would have prevented.

A Word on the Word "Purpose"

The word "purpose" is not meant to be heavy. It is not meant to turn the family outing into a mission, or a project, or a performance. The purpose is the light thing — the reason you are doing this, the thing you hope will happen, the way you want the family to be, together, on this day. The purpose can be as simple as "I want us to laugh together today," or "I want the kids to see something new," or "I want us to be outside, together, without the screens." The purpose is the intention, and the intention, held lightly but clearly, is the thing that guides the outing, and the guiding is the thing that makes the outing build.

The chapters that follow are the architecture of the purposeful outing, and the architecture, understood and practiced, is the thing that turns the outings from trips into memories, and the memories, accumulated, are the thing that builds the family, and the family, built, is the thing the whole book is for. Begin.

The choosing of the outing is the second thing, and it is the thing that matches the outing to the purpose, because the outing that does not fit the purpose is the outing that cannot build the purpose, no matter how well it is done. This chapter is about the choosing — how to match the outing to the purpose, how to account for the children and the family and the day, and how to avoid the choosing that produces the outing that goes wrong.

The Purpose Comes First

The choosing begins with the purpose, and the purpose comes first, because the outing chosen before the purpose is the outing chosen for the logistics, and the logistics are not the purpose. The parent who begins with "where should we go?" is the parent who has begun with the wrong question, and the wrong question produces the outing that is chosen for the attraction rather than the family, and the attraction, chosen for its own sake, is the thing that produces the outing that does not land, because the landing is not the attraction but the connection, and the connection is the thing the purpose, named first, produces.

The right beginning is the purpose. "What do I want this outing to do for our family?" The answer can be simple, and the simplicity is the point. "I want us to be outside, together." "I want the kids to see something they have never seen." "I want us to do something that requires us to work together." "I want us to rest, together, away from the house." The purpose, named, is the thing that guides the choosing, and the choosing, guided, is the thing that produces the outing that fits, and the fit is the thing that makes the purpose land.

Matching the Outing to the Purpose

The matching is the practical work, and it is the work of taking the purpose and finding the outing that serves it. The purpose "I want us to be outside, together" is served by the hike, the beach, the park, the lake, and the choosing among them is the choosing that accounts for the family — the ages of the children, the energy of the day, the weather, the time available. The purpose "I want the kids to see something they have never seen" is served by the museum, the zoo, the new neighborhood, the factory tour, the farm, and the choosing among them is the choosing that accounts for the children's interests and the family's capacity. The purpose "I want us to do something that requires us to work together" is served by the canoe trip, the cooking class, the escape room, the building project, and the choosing among them is the choosing that accounts for the family's skills and the day's mood.

The matching is not complicated, but it requires the willingness to let the purpose guide, and the willingness is the thing that is often overridden by the attraction — the parent who sees the impressive destination and chooses it, regardless of whether it fits the purpose, and the choosing, regardless of the fit, is the thing that produces the outing that does not land. The matching, done well, is the thing that produces the outing that fits, and the fit is the thing that makes the purpose build.

Accounting for the Children

The choosing accounts for the children, because the children are the ones the outing is for, and the for is the thing that must be held. The outing chosen for the adults, with the children dragged along, is the outing that the children experience as a burden, and the burden is the thing that produces the conflict, and the conflict is the thing the purpose was meant to prevent. The choosing that accounts for the children is the choosing that asks: what will this outing be like for the seven-year-old? For the teenager? For the toddler? What will they do, what will they see, what will they experience, and is the experience the one the purpose is meant to produce?

The accounting is not the same as the catering. The outing that caters to the children — that is chosen entirely for the children's entertainment, with the adults as the chauffeurs — is the outing that does not build the family, because the family is not the children plus the adults; the family is the unit, and the unit, built, requires the outing that serves the unit, and the unit includes the adults. The accounting is the recognition that the outing must work for everyone, and the everyone includes the parents, and the parents, served, are the parents who can be present, and the present is the thing the children need.

Accounting for the Day

The choosing accounts for the day, because the day is the context, and the context is the thing that shapes the outing, and the shaping is the thing that must be held. The day when everyone is tired is not the day for the ambitious hike. The day when the weather is bad is not the day for the beach. The day when the teenager is withdrawn is not the day for the outing that requires the extrovert. The choosing that accounts for the day is the choosing that asks: what is the state of the family today, and what outing fits this state, and the fitting is the thing that makes the outing land.

The accounting for the day is the thing that prevents the outing that goes wrong. The outing that goes wrong is, very often, the outing that was chosen without the accounting, and the without-the-accounting is the thing that produced the mismatch, and the mismatch is the thing that produced the conflict, and the conflict is the thing the accounting, done, would have prevented. The accounting is not the overthinking. It is the simple, honest assessment of the family's state on the day, and the assessment, done, is the thing that guides the choosing, and the guiding is the thing that makes the outing fit.

The Choosing as a Family

The choosing can be done as a family, and the doing-as-a-family is the thing that builds the investment, and the investment is the thing that makes the outing land. The children who are part of the choosing are the children who are invested in the outing, and the invested is the thing that makes the children present, and the present is the thing the outing needs. The choosing as a family is not the choosing by committee, which is the choosing that produces the lowest-common-denominator outing that satisfies no one. It is the choosing with input, where the parents hold the purpose and the children contribute the preferences, and the contribution is the thing that produces the outing that fits the family, and the fit is the thing that makes the outing build.

The choosing as a family is also the first part of the outing, and the first part is the thing that extends the outing beyond the outing itself. The family that chooses together on Friday for the Sunday outing is the family that has been doing the outing since Friday, and the doing-since-Friday is the thing that makes the outing a larger part of the family's life, and the larger is the thing that builds the family, and the building is the thing the outing is for.

The Choosing That Produces the Outing That Lands

The choosing, done well, is the thing that produces the outing that lands, and the landing is the thing the purpose is aimed at. The choosing that begins with the purpose, that matches the outing to the purpose, that accounts for the children and the day, that includes the family — that choosing is the choosing that produces the outing that fits, and the fit is the thing that makes the purpose build, and the building is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the preparation — the thing that sets the outing up to land, because the landing is not automatic, and the not-automatic is the thing the preparation addresses.

The preparation is the third thing, and it is the thing that sets the outing up to land, because the landing is not automatic, and the not-automatic is the thing the preparation addresses. This chapter is about the preparation — not the packing list, though the packing matters, but the preparation of the family, the preparation of the purpose, and the preparation of the day, so that the outing, when it happens, is the outing that builds.

The Preparation of the Purpose

The preparation begins with the purpose, and the preparation of the purpose is the thing that makes the purpose held, and the held is the thing that makes the purpose guide the day. The purpose, named in the choosing, is named again in the preparation, and the naming-again is the thing that keeps the purpose present, and the present is the thing that guides the decisions of the day, and the guiding is the thing that makes the outing land.

The preparation of the purpose is the simple act of saying, to yourself and to the family, what the outing is for. "We are going to the lake today, and the reason is that I want us to be outside, together, away from the screens, and I want us to have a day that we will remember as a day we were a family." The saying is the thing that makes the purpose real, and the real is the thing that the day can be measured against, and the measuring is the thing that keeps the day on track, and the on-track is the thing that makes the purpose land.

The Preparation of the Family

The preparation of the family is the thing that sets the family up to be present, and the present is the thing the outing needs. The preparation includes the practical — the sleep, the food, the clothes, the timing — and the practical is not trivial, because the family that is hungry, tired, cold, or rushed is the family that cannot be present, and the not-present is the thing the preparation is meant to prevent. The packing list matters. The timing matters. The snacks matter. The mattering is not the overthinking. It is the recognition that the body is the thing that does the outing, and the body, unprepared, is the body that cannot do the outing well.

The preparation of the family also includes the mental, and the mental is the thing that sets the family up to engage. The children who are told, on the morning of the outing, what the day will hold, are the children who are prepared to engage, and the prepared is the thing that makes the children present. The children who are surprised by the outing, or who are dragged into it without the preparation, are the children who resist, and the resistance is the thing that produces the conflict, and the conflict is the thing the preparation is meant to prevent. The telling is the thing that prepares, and the preparing is the thing that makes the engagement possible.

The Preparation of the Day

The preparation of the day is the thing that sets the day up to flow, and the flow is the thing that makes the outing enjoyable, and the enjoyable is the thing that makes the outing build. The preparation includes the route, the timing, the backup plan, the knowledge of the destination, and the knowledge is not the overplanning. It is the recognition that the day, unprepared, is the day that is at the mercy of the unexpected, and the unexpected, unmanaged, is the thing that produces the stress, and the stress is the thing that produces the conflict, and the conflict is the thing the preparation is meant to prevent.

The backup plan is the particular thing, and it is the thing that the experienced parent knows the value of. The outing that depends on everything going right is the outing that goes wrong, because everything does not go right, and the not-going-right is the thing that the backup plan addresses. The backup plan is not the pessimism. It is the realism — the recognition that the weather changes, the children get tired, the destination is closed, the traffic is bad, and the recognition, held, is the thing that produces the plan that adapts, and the adapting is the thing that makes the outing survive the unexpected, and the surviving is the thing that makes the outing build.

The Preparation of the Screens

The preparation of the screens deserves its own word, because the screens are the thing that most reliably undermines the purposeful outing, and the undermining is the thing the preparation must address. The outing that is done with the screens in the hands is the outing that is not done, because the screens take the presence, and the presence is the thing the outing is for. The preparation of the screens is the agreement, made before the outing, about the role the screens will play, and the agreement, made, is the thing that prevents the conflict, and the preventing is the thing that makes the outing land.

The agreement is not the ban. The ban, imposed without the conversation, is the thing that produces the resistance, and the resistance is the thing that produces the conflict. The agreement is the conversation — the recognition that the screens are a part of the family's life, and that the outing is a time for something else, and the something-else is the thing the outing is for. The agreement, made with the children, is the thing that produces the buy-in, and the buy-in is the thing that makes the screens put away, and the put-away is the thing that makes the presence possible, and the presence is the thing the outing needs.

The Preparation as Part of the Outing

The preparation is not the thing before the outing. It is the first part of the outing, and the first part is the thing that extends the outing beyond the outing itself. The family that prepares together is the family that is doing the outing before the outing, and the doing-before is the thing that makes the outing a larger part of the family's life, and the larger is the thing that builds the family, and the building is the thing the outing is for. The preparation, done with the family, is the thing that makes the outing begin before the car leaves the driveway, and the beginning-before is the thing that makes the outing more than a trip.

The preparation, done well, is the thing that makes the purpose land, and the landing is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the being-present — the thing that makes the outing real, because the outing done with the phone in the hand and the mind on the work is the outing that the children experience as absent, and the absent is the thing the being-present prevents.

The being-present is the fourth thing, and it is the thing that makes the outing real, because the outing done with the phone in the hand and the mind on the work is the outing that the children experience as absent, and the absent is the thing the being-present prevents. This chapter is about being present — what it is, why it is so hard, and how to do it, on the day when the work and the phone and the tiredness are all pulling you away.

What Being Present Is

Being present is the giving of your attention, fully, to the outing and the people in it, for the duration of the outing, without the distraction of the phone, the work, the elsewhere. The attention, given fully, is the thing that makes the outing real, because the real is not the place but the attention, and the attention, given, is the thing the children experience as love, and the love, experienced, is the thing the outing is for.

Being present is not the same as being entertained. The parent who is entertained by the outing is the parent who is consuming the outing, and the consuming is the thing that makes the parent the audience, and the audience is not the family. The parent who is present is the parent who is participating, and the participating is the thing that makes the parent part of the outing, and the part-of is the thing that makes the outing a family thing, and the family thing is the thing the outing is for.

Being present is also not the same as being perfect. The parent who is trying to be the perfect outing parent — the one who is always patient, always joyful, always engaged — is the parent who is performing, and the performing is the thing that the children experience as false, and the false is the thing that undermines the presence. The parent who is present is the parent who is real — who is tired when tired, who is frustrated when frustrated, who is joyful when joyful, and who is there, fully, in all of it, and the there-fully is the thing the children experience as real, and the real is the thing that builds the trust, and the trust is the thing the relationship is built on.

Why Being Present Is So Hard

Being present is hard because the pulls are real, and the pulls are the thing that takes the attention, and the attention, taken, is not available for the presence. The first pull is the phone, and the phone is the thing that is designed to take the attention, and the design is effective, and the effectiveness is the thing that makes the phone the enemy of the presence, and the enemy must be managed, and the managing is the thing the preparation, from the last chapter, began, and the being-present, in this chapter, continues.

The second pull is the work, and the work is the thing that lives in the mind, and the mind, on the outing, is the thing that drifts to the work, and the drifting is the thing that takes the presence, and the taken is the thing the children experience as absent. The work is real, and the work matters, and the work is not the thing that can be simply willed away. The being-present, in the face of the work, is the practice of choosing, for the duration of the outing, to be at the outing, and the choosing, made and remade, is the thing that keeps the presence, and the keeping is the thing the outing needs.

The third pull is the tiredness, and the tiredness is the thing that makes the presence hard, because the presence requires the energy, and the energy, depleted, is the thing that makes the presence falter, and the faltering is the thing the children experience as the parent being there-but-not-there, and the there-but-not-there is the thing that is worse than the absent, because it is the promise of presence broken. The tiredness is real, and the being-present, in the face of the tiredness, is the practice of being there as you are, and the as-you-are is the thing that is real, and the real is the thing the children can work with, and the working-with is the thing that keeps the connection.

The Practice of Being Present

Being present is a practice, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the presence a part of the outing. The practices are simple, and they require the willingness to do them, and the willingness is the thing that is often hard, and the hard is the thing the practice must overcome.

The first practice is to put the phone away. The phone, in the pocket, on silent, is the phone that is not taking the attention, and the not-taking is the thing that makes the presence possible. The phone, in the hand, is the phone that is taking the attention, and the taking is the thing that makes the presence impossible. The putting-away is the simple, physical act that makes the presence possible, and the simple is the thing that works, and the works is the thing that makes the practice worth doing.

The second practice is to notice when you have drifted, and to return. The drifting is the thing that will happen, because the mind is the thing that drifts, and the drifting is not the failure. The failure is the not-returning, and the not-returning is the thing that makes the drift the absence. The noticing and the returning, done repeatedly, is the practice, and the practice, done, is the thing that keeps the presence, and the keeping is the thing the outing needs.

The third practice is to engage with the children, in the small moments. The small moments are the thing the outing is made of, and the engaging with the children in the small moments is the thing that makes the small moments build the connection. The question about the bug, the shared look at the view, the laugh at the joke, the help with the shoe — these are the small moments, and the engaging, done, is the thing that makes the small moments land, and the landing is the thing that builds the memory, and the memory is the thing the outing is for.

The fourth practice is to be there as you are. The being-there-as-you-are is the thing that makes the presence real, and the real is the thing the children can trust, and the trust is the thing the relationship is built on. The parent who is there, tired but there, frustrated but there, joyful but there, is the parent who is present, and the present is the thing the children experience as love, and the love is the thing the outing is for.

The Presence the Children Remember

The presence is the thing the children remember, and the remembering is the thing the outing is for. The children, grown, do not remember the destination, or the attraction, or the logistics. They remember the presence — the parent who was there, fully, with them, in the small moments, and the there-fully is the thing that made the outing a memory, and the memory is the thing that built the family, and the family, built, is the thing the presence produced. The being-present is the fourth thing, and it is the thing that makes the outing real, and the real is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the conversation — the thing that makes the outing a memory, because the memory is not the outing itself but the story told about it, and the story, told, is the thing the conversation produces.

The conversation is the fifth thing, and it is the thing that makes the outing a memory, because the memory is not the outing itself but the story told about it, and the story, told, is the thing the conversation produces. This chapter is about the conversation — the talking, on the outing, that turns the experience into the memory, and the memory, made, is the thing that builds the family.

The Memory Is the Story

The memory is not the outing. The outing is the experience, and the experience, had, is the thing that fades, in the way that experiences fade. The memory is the story — the telling and the retelling of the outing, in the days and the years that follow, and the telling, done, is the thing that makes the outing last, and the lasting is the thing the outing is for. The family that does the outing but does not tell the story is the family that has the experience but not the memory, and the not-the-memory is the thing that makes the outing fade, and the fading is the thing the conversation is meant to prevent.

The conversation is the thing that makes the story, and the story is the thing that makes the memory, and the memory is the thing that builds the family. The conversation happens on the outing — the talking, the laughing, the wondering, the noticing, the sharing — and the conversation happens after the outing — the retelling, at the dinner table, in the car, on the next outing, and the retelling is the thing that fixes the outing in the family's story, and the fixing is the thing that makes the outing last.

The Conversation on the Outing

The conversation on the outing is the talking that happens while the outing is happening, and the talking is the thing that makes the outing a shared experience, and the shared is the thing that makes the outing build the family. The conversation is not the lecture, or the lesson, or the quiz. It is the talking — the easy, present, interested talking that happens when people are together, paying attention, and the talking is the thing that makes the togetherness real, and the real is the thing the outing is for.

The conversation on the outing includes the noticing — "look at that," "did you see," "I have never seen that before" — and the noticing is the thing that makes the outing a shared seeing, and the shared seeing is the thing that builds the connection. The conversation includes the wondering — "I wonder why," "what do you think," "how does that work" — and the wondering is the thing that makes the outing a shared curiosity, and the shared curiosity is the thing that builds the engagement. The conversation includes the laughing — the jokes, the silliness, the shared humor — and the laughing is the thing that makes the outing a shared joy, and the shared joy is the thing that builds the bond.

The conversation on the outing is the thing that the parent can lead, and the leading is not the dominating. The leading is the inviting — the parent who notices, wonders, laughs, and who invites the children into the noticing, the wondering, the laughing, and the inviting is the thing that makes the children part of the conversation, and the part-of is the thing that makes the conversation build the family.

The Conversation After the Outing

The conversation after the outing is the retelling, and the retelling is the thing that makes the outing a memory, and the memory is the thing that lasts. The retelling happens at the dinner table, on the next day, on the next outing, and the retelling is the thing that fixes the outing in the family's story, and the fixing is the thing that makes the outing part of the family's identity, and the identity is the thing the outings, accumulated, build.

The retelling is the thing the parent can initiate, and the initiating is not the forcing. The initiating is the inviting — "what was your favorite part?" "what did you think of the...?" "I am still thinking about the..." — and the inviting is the thing that opens the retelling, and the opening is the thing that lets the children tell the story their way, and the their-way is the thing that makes the story theirs, and the theirs is the thing that makes the memory last.

The retelling is also the thing that the parent can contribute to, and the contributing is the thing that adds the parent's version to the family's version, and the adding is the thing that makes the story the family's, not just the children's. The parent who tells the story, alongside the children, is the parent who is part of the memory, and the part-of is the thing that makes the memory a family memory, and the family memory is the thing that builds the family.

The Conversation That Goes Deep

The conversation, on the outing and after, can go deep, and the deep is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the family is for. The deep conversation is the conversation that goes beyond the logistics of the outing — the what we did, the what we saw — into the what it meant, the what we felt, the what we learned. The deep conversation is the conversation that asks: what did you love about today? What was hard? What did you learn about yourself, or about us? What will you remember? The asking is the thing that makes the conversation go deep, and the deep is the thing that makes the outing a memory that matters, and the matters is the thing that builds the family.

The deep conversation is not forced. It is invited, and the inviting is the thing that makes the deep conversation possible, and the possible is the thing that the outing, done well, produces. The outing that has the purpose, the choosing, the preparation, and the presence is the outing that has created the conditions for the deep conversation, and the conditions are the thing that makes the deep conversation happen, and the happening is the thing that makes the outing build the family.

The Conversation as the Memory-Maker

The conversation is the memory-maker, and the memory-making is the thing the outing is for. The outing without the conversation is the outing that is experienced but not remembered, and the not-remembered is the thing that makes the outing fade, and the fading is the thing the conversation prevents. The conversation, on the outing and after, is the thing that makes the outing a story, and the story is the thing that makes the outing a memory, and the memory is the thing that builds the family, and the family, built, is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the return — the thing that makes the outing last, because the lasting is not the outing but the integration of the outing into the family's ongoing story, and the integration is the thing the return produces.

The return is the sixth thing, and it is the thing that makes the outing last, because the lasting is not the outing but the integration of the outing into the family's ongoing story, and the integration is the thing the return produces. This chapter is about the return — the coming home, the settling, the integrating, the thing that makes the outing more than a day, and the more-than-a-day is the thing that builds the family.

The Return Is Not the End

The return is not the end of the outing. It is the beginning of the lasting, and the lasting is the thing the outing is for. The family that treats the return as the end — the unpacking, the collapsing, the moving on to the next thing — is the family that has the outing but not the lasting, and the not-the-lasting is the thing that makes the outing fade, and the fading is the thing the return, done well, prevents. The return, done well, is the thing that integrates the outing into the family's story, and the integrating is the thing that makes the outing last, and the lasting is the thing that builds the family.

The return is the time when the outing becomes the memory, and the memory is the thing that is carried forward, and the carrying is the thing that makes the outing part of the family's identity, and the identity is the thing the outings, accumulated, build. The return is not the afterthought. It is the thing that makes the outing matter, and the mattering is the thing the return produces.

The Settling

The settling is the first part of the return, and it is the thing that lets the family come down from the outing, and the coming-down is the thing that makes the integration possible. The settling is not the collapsing, though the collapsing is often what happens, and the collapsing is the thing that loses the outing, because the collapsing is the thing that ends the outing without the integrating, and the without-the-integrating is the thing that makes the outing fade. The settling is the deliberate, gentle coming-down — the quiet time, the meal together, the unpacking done together, the time when the family is still together, in the afterglow of the outing, and the afterglow is the thing that makes the integration possible.

The settling is the thing the parent can create, and the creating is not the forcing. The creating is the providing — the meal, the quiet, the time — and the providing is the thing that makes the settling happen, and the happening is the thing that makes the integration possible. The family that settles together, after the outing, is the family that is still doing the outing, and the still-doing is the thing that makes the outing a larger part of the family's life, and the larger is the thing that builds the family.

The Integrating

The integrating is the second part of the return, and it is the thing that makes the outing part of the family's story, and the part-of is the thing that makes the outing last. The integrating is the retelling, the reflecting, the making-meaning, and the making-meaning is the thing that turns the outing from an experience into a memory, and the memory is the thing that is carried forward. The integrating is the conversation from the last chapter, continued, and the continued is the thing that deepens the memory, and the deepening is the thing that makes the memory last.

The integrating includes the retelling — the story of the outing, told and retold, in the days that follow — and the retelling is the thing that fixes the outing in the family's story. The integrating includes the reflecting — the what it meant, the what we learned, the what we will do differently — and the reflecting is the thing that makes the outing a learning, and the learning is the thing that makes the family grow. The integrating includes the making-meaning — the placing of the outing in the family's ongoing story, the "this is who we are, this is what we do, this is what we value" — and the making-meaning is the thing that makes the outing part of the family's identity, and the identity is the thing the outings, accumulated, build.

The Carrying Forward

The carrying forward is the third part of the return, and it is the thing that makes the outing part of the family's future, and the part-of is the thing that makes the outing last. The carrying forward is the thing that the integrating produces — the memory, the learning, the identity, carried into the next outing, and the next, and the next, and the carrying is the thing that makes the outings accumulate, and the accumulating is the thing that builds the family.

The carrying forward is also the thing that the children carry into adulthood, and the carrying is the thing that makes the outings matter, in the long run, and the long run is the thing the whole book is for. The children, grown, who carry the memories of the purposeful outings are the children who carry the family, and the family, carried, is the thing that the children bring to their own families, and the bringing is the thing that makes the outings, done well, a gift that lasts for generations, and the generations is the thing the whole book is for.

The Return as the Thing That Makes the Outing Last

The return, done well, is the thing that makes the outing last, and the lasting is the thing the whole book is for. The return that settles, that integrates, that carries forward, is the return that makes the outing more than a day, and the more-than-a-day is the thing that builds the family, and the family, built, is the thing the outings, done with purpose, produce. The return is not the afterthought. It is the thing that makes the outing matter, and the mattering is the thing the return produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the return worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the return a part of the practice.

The Outing That Builds the Family

The outing, done with the purpose, the choosing, the preparation, the presence, the conversation, and the return, is the outing that builds the family, and the family, built, is the thing the whole book is for. The six things are not a checklist. They are a practice — a set of disciplines that, applied consistently, produce the kind of outing that builds the family, and the family, built by the outings, is the family that holds, and the holding is the thing the whole book is for.

The practice is not a one-time work. It is a lifelong practice, and the practice, done, is the thing that builds the family, and the building, done, is the thing that maintains the family, and the maintaining, done, is the thing that makes the family last, and the lasting is the thing the parents want, and the wanting, honored, is the thing the whole book is for.

A Final Word

The family outing is not a hard thing to organize, but the purposeful family outing is a hard thing to do, and the hard is the thing this book is a guide to. The six things — the purpose, the choosing, the preparation, the presence, the conversation, the return — are the things that make the outing build the family, and the building is the thing the outing is for, and the for is the thing that makes the outing worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the practice sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the family last, and the lasting is the thing the whole book is for.

You did not choose the patterns that make the outings fade. You can choose, in the moment you begin the practice, to do the work the purposeful outing requires. The practice is here. The work is clear. The family, built by the outings, is the family that is waiting, and the waiting is the thing this book has been honoring, and the honoring is the thing the book is, and the book is now yours, and the family is now yours, and the outing, done with purpose, is the thing that begins.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C