Emotionally Immature Parents

There is a wound that many adults carry, and the wound is the wound that comes from having been raised by a parent who was emotionally immature, and the emotionally immature is the thing that the wound is about, and the about is the thing that the wound is. The wound is not the wound of the obvious abuse, not the wound of the visible neglect, not the wound that the world can see and name. The wound is the wound that is harder to see, because the wound is the wound of the absence, the wound of the not-seeing, the wound of the not-being-seen, and the not-being-seen is the thing that the wound is, and the is is the thing that the wound is.

This is a book about emotionally immature parents and the adult wounds and the enduring patterns that the emotionally immature parents produce. It is written for the adult who has begun to sense that something in the childhood was not right, and who is beginning to ask whether the parent — the parent who was not cruel, not absent in the obvious way, not the parent the world would call a bad parent — was the parent who was emotionally immature, and the emotionally immature is the thing that the wound is about, and the about is the thing that this book is for. It is written from over fifteen years of clinical practice, much of it alongside adults who were doing the work of understanding the parent they had, and who, in the work, taught me that the wound, named, is the wound that begins to heal, and the naming is the thing that makes the healing possible.

Who This Book Is For

It is for the adult who feels, in the relationship with the parent, a persistent sense of something missing, and the something-missing is the thing that the adult cannot quite name, and the not-naming is the thing that the something-missing is. It is for the adult who has done well in life — the career, the relationships, the accomplishments — and who still carries, beneath the accomplishments, a wound that the accomplishments cannot heal. It is for the adult who has noticed the patterns — the people-pleasing, the self-doubt, the difficulty with the boundaries, the fear of the conflict, the over-responsibility for the emotions of the others — and who is beginning to wonder where the patterns came from. It is for the adult who has tried to have the conversation with the parent and who has found, again and again, that the conversation cannot be had, because the parent cannot do the conversation, and the not-doing is the thing that the emotionally immature is. It is for the clinician who works with adults carrying the wounds of the emotionally immature parents, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and compassionate enough to use.

What This Book Is Not

This book is not a book about blame. The emotionally immature parent is not the villain, and the not-villain is the thing that this book is not about. The emotionally immature parent is the person who was, in most cases, doing the best that the person could do, and the best was not enough, and the not-enough is the thing that the wound is about, and the about is the thing that this book is about, not the blame. The blame is the thing that keeps the wound open, and the keeping-open is the thing that the blame does, and the doing is the thing that the blame is, and the blame is not the thing that this book is for.

This book is also not a substitute for the clinical care that the healing of the wound may require. The wound, for some, is the wound that is deep, and the deep is the thing that the therapy, the counseling, and the clinical support are for. This book is a companion to that care, not a replacement for it. If you are in the work of the healing and the wound is the wound that is overwhelming, the first thing you need is the support — the therapist, the counselor, the group. Get the support. The chapters will help you work with it.

The Structure of the Book

The book is built around six chapters, and the six, together, are the practice of the healing. The first chapter — this one — is the foundation: what the wound is, why the wound is hard to name, and why the naming is the thing that makes the healing possible. The second chapter is about the emotionally immature parent — what the emotional immaturity looks like, the traits, the patterns, and the understanding of the traits is the thing that makes the wound clearer. The third chapter is about the adult you became — how the wounds of the emotionally immature parent became the enduring patterns of the adult, and the understanding of the becoming is the thing that makes the patterns visible. The fourth chapter is about the work of seeing clearly — distinguishing the parent from the pattern, and the distinguishing is the thing that the healing is built on. The fifth chapter is about the practice of the differentiated adult — the healing through the differentiation, and the differentiation is the thing that the healing is. The sixth chapter is about the relationship you can have — accepting the limits of the parent, keeping the door open, and the accepting is the thing the whole book is preparing the adult for.

A Word on the Word "Immature"

The word "immature" is used here, and the word is a hard word, and the hard is the thing that the word is, because the word can sound like the insult, and the insult is not the thing that the word is for. The word "immature" is used here in the clinical sense, and the clinical sense is the sense of the emotional development that was arrested, and the arrested is the thing that the immaturity is, and the is is the thing that the immaturity is. The emotionally immature parent is not the parent who is bad. The emotionally immature parent is the parent whose emotional development was, for the reasons that the parent's own history holds, the development that did not complete, and the not-completing is the thing that the immaturity is, and the is is the thing that the immaturity is.

The word is not the judgment. The word is the description, and the description is the thing that the word is for, and the for is the thing that the word is. The description, used well, is the thing that makes the wound clearer, and the clearer is the thing that the description provides, and the provided is the thing that the healing is built on.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth, the one that this book is built on, is that the wound, named, is the wound that begins to heal, and the naming is the thing that makes the healing possible, and the possible is the thing that the naming provides. The wound, unnamed, is the wound that does not heal, and the not-healing is the thing that the not-naming produces, and the produced is the thing that the wound stays. The naming is not the blaming. The naming is the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the naming is, and the is is the thing that the naming is. The seeing, clear and compassionate, is the thing that the whole book is for.

The hard truth is also the truth that the healing, done, is not the healing that changes the parent. The healing is the healing that changes the adult, and the adult is the thing that the healing is for, and the for is the thing that the healing is. The parent may not change, and the not-changing is the thing that the parent may do, and the may-do is the thing that the healing must accept, and the accepting is the thing that the healing is. The healing is the healing of the adult, and the adult is the thing that the healing is for, and the for is the thing that the whole book is.

Begin.

The understanding of what emotional immaturity looks like is the thing that makes the wound clearer, and the clearer is the thing that the understanding provides, because the wound, to be named, must be seen, and the seeing is the thing that the understanding makes possible. This chapter is about the emotionally immature parent — the traits, the patterns, and the behaviors that the emotional immaturity produces, and the understanding of them is the thing that makes the wound clearer.

The Core of Emotional Immaturity

The core of emotional immaturity is the difficulty with the emotions, and the difficulty is the thing that the immaturity is, and the is is the thing that the immaturity is. The emotionally immature parent is the parent who has the difficulty with the feeling of the emotions, the sharing of the emotions, the understanding of the emotions of the others, and the difficulty is the thing that the immaturity is. The emotionally immature parent is not the parent who does not feel. The emotionally immature parent is the parent who feels, but who has the difficulty with the feeling, and the difficulty is the thing that the immaturity is, and the is is the thing that the immaturity is.

The difficulty with the emotions is the difficulty that shows in the rigidity, the defensiveness, the reactivity, the not-listening, the not-seeing, and the showing is the thing that the difficulty does, and the doing is the thing that the difficulty is. The emotionally immature parent is the parent who, when the emotion arises, does the thing that the emotion demands, and the demanding is the thing that the emotion does, and the doing is the thing that the immaturity is.

The Traits

The traits of the emotionally immature parent are the things that the emotional immaturity produces, and the producing is the thing that the traits are, and the are is the thing that the traits are. The traits include:

The rigidity — the parent who cannot bend, and the not-bending is the thing that the rigidity is, and the is is the thing that the rigidity is. The rigid parent is the parent who has the one way of seeing, the one way of doing, the one way of being, and the one-way is the thing that the rigidity is, and the is is the thing that the rigidity is. The rigid parent cannot consider the other perspective, and the not-considering is the thing that the rigidity does, and the doing is the thing that the rigidity is.

The defensiveness — the parent who cannot be wrong, and the not-wrong is the thing that the defensiveness is, and the is is the thing that the defensiveness is. The defensive parent is the parent who, when the challenge arises, meets the challenge with the defense, and the defense is the thing that the defensiveness does, and the doing is the thing that the defensiveness is. The defensive parent cannot hear the feedback, and the not-hearing is the thing that the defensiveness does, and the doing is the thing that the defensiveness is.

The reactivity — the parent who reacts before the parent thinks, and the before-thinking is the thing that the reactivity is, and the is is the thing that the reactivity is. The reactive parent is the parent whose emotions are the things that drive the behavior, and the driving is the thing that the reactivity does, and the doing is the thing that the reactivity is. The reactive parent cannot pause, and the not-pausing is the thing that the reactivity does, and the doing is the thing that the reactivity is.

The not-listening — the parent who cannot hear the child, and the not-hearing is the thing that the not-listening is, and the is is the thing that the not-listening is. The not-listening parent is the parent who, when the child speaks, is not present for the speaking, and the not-present is the thing that the not-listening does, and the doing is the thing that the not-listening is. The not-listening parent hears the words but not the meaning, and the not-meaning is the thing that the not-listening is, and the is is the thing that the not-listening is.

The not-seeing — the parent who cannot see the child, and the not-seeing is the thing that the not-seeing is, and the is is the thing that the not-seeing is. The not-seeing parent is the parent who sees the child as the thing the parent needs the child to be, and the needing is the thing that the not-seeing does, and the doing is the thing that the not-seeing is. The not-seeing parent does not see the child as the child is, and the not-as-the-child-is is the thing that the not-seeing is, and the is is the thing that the not-seeing is.

The Patterns

The patterns of the emotionally immature parent are the things that the traits produce, and the producing is the thing that the patterns are, and the are is the thing that the patterns are. The patterns include:

The pattern of the role reversal — the parent who makes the child the parent, and the making is the thing that the role reversal does, and the doing is the thing that the role reversal is. The role-reversal parent is the parent who, because the parent cannot hold the emotions, gives the emotions to the child, and the giving is the thing that the role reversal does, and the doing is the thing that the role reversal is. The child, in the role reversal, becomes the one who holds the parent, and the holding is the thing that the child does, and the doing is the thing that the role reversal is.

The pattern of the emotional dismissal — the parent who dismisses the child's emotions, and the dismissing is the thing that the emotional dismissal does, and the doing is the thing that the emotional dismissal is. The emotional-dismissal parent is the parent who, when the child feels, tells the child not to feel, and the not-feeling is the thing that the emotional dismissal does, and the doing is the thing that the emotional dismissal is. The child, in the emotional dismissal, learns that the feelings are the things to be hidden, and the hiding is the thing that the child does, and the doing is the thing that the emotional dismissal is.

The pattern of the conditional love — the parent who loves the child when the child meets the conditions, and the meeting is the thing that the conditional love demands, and the demanding is the thing that the conditional love is. The conditional-love parent is the parent who, when the child is the child the parent wants, gives the love, and the giving is the thing that the conditional love does, and the doing is the thing that the conditional love is. The child, in the conditional love, learns that the love is the thing to be earned, and the earning is the thing that the child does, and the doing is the thing that the conditional love is.

The pattern of the not-apologizing — the parent who cannot apologize, and the not-apologizing is the thing that the not-apologizing is, and the is is the thing that the not-apologizing is. The not-apologizing parent is the parent who, when the parent hurts the child, does not acknowledge the hurting, and the not-acknowledging is the thing that the not-apologizing does, and the doing is the thing that the not-apologizing is. The child, in the not-apologizing, learns that the hurt is the thing to be swallowed, and the swallowing is the thing that the child does, and the doing is the thing that the not-apologizing is.

The Spectrum

The emotional immaturity is the thing that exists on the spectrum, and the spectrum is the thing that the immaturity is, and the is is the thing that the immaturity is. The emotionally immature parent is not one thing. The emotionally immature parent is the parent whose immaturity is the thing that ranges from the mild to the severe, and the ranging is the thing that the spectrum is, and the is is the thing that the spectrum is. The mild immaturity is the immaturity that shows in the rigidity and the defensiveness, and the showing is the thing that the mild does. The severe immaturity is the immaturity that shows in the narcissism and the borderline, and the showing is the thing that the severe does. The spectrum is the thing that the understanding must hold, and the holding is the thing that the understanding does, and the doing is the thing that the understanding is.

The Understanding Is the Foundation

The understanding of the emotional immaturity is the foundation of the healing, and the foundation is the thing that the understanding provides, and the provided is the thing that the healing is built on. The healing, built on the understanding, is the healing that is made with the clarity, and the clarity is the thing that the understanding provides, and the provided is the thing that the healing is built on. The healing, built on the confusion, is the healing that is made with the self-blame, and the self-blame is the thing that the confusion produces, and the produced is the thing that the healing must not be built on.

The next chapter is about the adult you became — how the wounds of the emotionally immature parent became the enduring patterns of the adult, and the understanding of the becoming is the thing that makes the patterns visible, and the visible is the thing that the healing is built on.

The wounds of the emotionally immature parent are the things that become the enduring patterns of the adult, and the becoming is the thing that the wounds do, and the doing is the thing that the wounds are. This chapter is about the adult you became — how the wounds became the patterns, and the understanding of the becoming is the thing that makes the patterns visible, and the visible is the thing that the healing is built on.

How the Wounds Become the Patterns

The wounds become the patterns because the child, in the wounds, adapts, and the adapting is the thing that the child does, and the doing is the thing that the wounds become. The child, in the emotionally immature home, is the child who must adapt to the parent, and the adapting is the thing that the child does to survive, and the surviving is the thing that the adapting is for. The adapting, done in the childhood, is the thing that becomes the pattern, and the becoming is the thing that the adapting does, and the doing is the thing that the pattern is.

The adapting is not the choice. The adapting is the thing that the child does because the child must, and the must is the thing that the adapting is, and the is is the thing that the adapting is. The child does not choose the people-pleasing. The child adapts to the people-pleasing because the people-pleasing is the thing that keeps the parent calm, and the keeping-calm is the thing that the child needs, and the needing is the thing that the people-pleasing is for. The child does not choose the self-doubt. The child adapts to the self-doubt because the self-doubt is the thing that keeps the child small, and the keeping-small is the thing that the parent needs, and the needing is the thing that the self-doubt is for.

The Enduring Patterns

The enduring patterns are the things that the wounds produce, and the producing is the thing that the patterns are, and the are is the thing that the patterns are. The enduring patterns include:

The people-pleasing — the adult who cannot say no, and the not-saying is the thing that the people-pleasing is, and the is is the thing that the people-pleasing is. The people-pleasing adult is the adult who, when the other asks, says yes, and the yes is the thing that the people-pleasing does, and the doing is the thing that the people-pleasing is. The people-pleasing is the pattern that the role-reversal produces, and the producing is the thing that the role-reversal does, and the doing is the thing that the people-pleasing is.

The self-doubt — the adult who cannot trust the self, and the not-trusting is the thing that the self-doubt is, and the is is the thing that the self-doubt is. The self-doubt adult is the adult who, when the self knows, questions the knowing, and the questioning is the thing that the self-doubt does, and the doing is the thing that the self-doubt is. The self-doubt is the pattern that the not-seeing produces, and the producing is the thing that the not-seeing does, and the doing is the thing that the self-doubt is.

The difficulty with the boundaries — the adult who cannot set the limit, and the not-setting is the thing that the boundary-difficulty is, and the is is the thing that the boundary-difficulty is. The boundary-difficulty adult is the adult who, when the limit is needed, does not set the limit, and the not-setting is the thing that the boundary-difficulty does, and the doing is the thing that the boundary-difficulty is. The boundary-difficulty is the pattern that the conditional love produces, and the producing is the thing that the conditional love does, and the doing is the thing that the boundary-difficulty is.

The fear of the conflict — the adult who cannot face the disagreement, and the not-facing is the thing that the conflict-fear is, and the is is the thing that the conflict-fear is. The conflict-fear adult is the adult who, when the conflict arises, avoids the conflict, and the avoiding is the thing that the conflict-fear does, and the doing is the thing that the conflict-fear is. The conflict-fear is the pattern that the reactivity produces, and the producing is the thing that the reactivity does, and the doing is the thing that the conflict-fear is.

The over-responsibility — the adult who carries the emotions of the others, and the carrying is the thing that the over-responsibility is, and the is is the thing that the over-responsibility is. The over-responsibility adult is the adult who, when the other feels, feels responsible for the feeling, and the feeling-responsible is the thing that the over-responsibility does, and the doing is the thing that the over-responsibility is. The over-responsibility is the pattern that the role reversal produces, and the producing is the thing that the role reversal does, and the doing is the thing that the over-responsibility is.

The emotional suppression — the adult who cannot feel the feelings, and the not-feeling is the thing that the emotional suppression is, and the is is the thing that the emotional suppression is. The emotional-suppression adult is the adult who, when the feeling arises, pushes the feeling down, and the pushing-down is the thing that the emotional suppression does, and the doing is the thing that the emotional suppression is. The emotional suppression is the pattern that the emotional dismissal produces, and the producing is the thing that the emotional dismissal does, and the doing is the thing that the emotional suppression is.

Why the Patterns Endure

The patterns endure because the patterns, in the childhood, were the things that worked, and the working is the thing that the patterns did, and the doing is the thing that the patterns were. The patterns, in the childhood, were the things that kept the child safe, and the keeping-safe is the thing that the patterns did, and the doing is the thing that the patterns were. The patterns, in the adulthood, are the things that no longer work, but the not-working is the thing that the adult does not see, and the not-seeing is the thing that the patterns endure, and the enduring is the thing that the patterns do.

The patterns endure because the patterns are the things that the adult does not question, and the not-questioning is the thing that the patterns do, and the doing is the thing that the patterns are. The adult does not question the people-pleasing because the people-pleasing is the thing that the adult has always done, and the always-done is the thing that the not-questioning is, and the is is the thing that the not-questioning is. The adult does not question the self-doubt because the self-doubt is the thing that the adult has always felt, and the always-felt is the thing that the not-questioning is, and the is is the thing that the not-questioning is.

The Good News

The good news is that the patterns, though enduring, are not permanent, and the not-permanent is the thing that the patterns are, and the are is the thing that the patterns are. The patterns are the things that were learned, and the learned is the thing that the patterns are, and the are is the thing that the patterns are. The things that were learned are the things that can be unlearned, and the unlearning is the thing that the healing is, and the is is the thing that the healing is. The patterns, seen, are the patterns that can be changed, and the changing is the thing that the seeing makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the seeing provides.

The next chapter is about the work of seeing clearly — distinguishing the parent from the pattern, and the distinguishing is the thing that the healing is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the seeing provides.

The work of seeing clearly is the thing that the healing is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the seeing provides, because the healing, to be done, must be done with the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the healing is built on. This chapter is about the work of seeing clearly — distinguishing the parent from the pattern, and the distinguishing is the thing that the healing is built on.

What Seeing Clearly Is

Seeing clearly is the seeing of the parent as the parent is, not as the parent was needed to be, and the not-as-needed is the thing that the seeing clearly is, and the is is the thing that the seeing clearly is. The child sees the parent as the parent the child needs — the parent who is the source, the parent who is the safety, the parent who is the everything — and the needing is the thing that the child's seeing is, and the is is the thing that the child's seeing is. The adult, in the seeing clearly, sees the parent as the parent is — the parent who is the person, the parent who is the limited, the parent who is the emotionally immature — and the as-is is the thing that the adult's seeing is, and the is is the thing that the adult's seeing is.

Seeing clearly is not the blaming. Seeing clearly is the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the seeing clearly is, and the is is the thing that the seeing clearly is. The seeing, done with the compassion, is the seeing that sees the parent as the person who was doing the best that the person could do, and the best is the thing that the seeing sees, and the seeing is the thing that the seeing clearly is. The seeing, done with the clarity, is the seeing that sees the parent as the person whose best was not enough, and the not-enough is the thing that the seeing sees, and the seeing is the thing that the seeing clearly is.

Distinguishing the Parent from the Pattern

The distinguishing of the parent from the pattern is the thing that the seeing clearly does, and the doing is the thing that the distinguishing is. The parent is the person, and the pattern is the thing that the person does, and the doing is the thing that the pattern is, and the is is the thing that the pattern is. The distinguishing is the seeing that the parent is not the pattern, and the pattern is not the parent, and the not is the thing that the distinguishing is, and the is is the thing that the distinguishing is.

The parent is the person who, because of the person's own history, does the pattern, and the doing is the thing that the parent does, and the doing is the thing that the pattern is. The pattern is the thing that the parent does, not the thing that the parent is, and the not-is is the thing that the distinguishing is, and the is is the thing that the distinguishing is. The parent, distinguished from the pattern, is the parent who can be seen with the compassion, and the compassion is the thing that the distinguishing makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the distinguishing provides.

The pattern, distinguished from the parent, is the pattern that can be seen with the clarity, and the clarity is the thing that the distinguishing makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the distinguishing provides. The pattern, seen with the clarity, is the pattern that can be changed, and the changing is the thing that the clarity makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the clarity provides.

The Work of the Distinguishing

The work of the distinguishing is the work that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the adult is, and the is is the thing that the adult is. The work includes:

The work of the grieving — the grieving of the parent the adult did not have, and the not-having is the thing that the grieving is about, and the about is the thing that the grieving is. The grieving is the thing that the adult does when the adult sees that the parent was not the parent the adult needed, and the not-needed is the thing that the grieving is about, and the about is the thing that the grieving is. The grieving is the hard work, and the hard is the thing that the grieving is, and the is is the thing that the grieving is. But the grieving, done, is the grieving that frees the adult from the waiting for the parent to become the parent the adult needed, and the freeing is the thing that the grieving does, and the doing is the thing that the grieving is.

The work of the accepting — the accepting of the parent as the parent is, and the as-is is the thing that the accepting is, and the is is the thing that the accepting is. The accepting is the thing that the adult does when the adult sees that the parent is the person who is, not the person who the adult needed, and the not-needed is the thing that the accepting is, and the is is the thing that the accepting is. The accepting is not the approving. The accepting is the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the accepting is, and the is is the thing that the accepting is.

The work of the releasing — the releasing of the hope that the parent will change, and the hope is the thing that the releasing is about, and the about is the thing that the releasing is. The releasing is the thing that the adult does when the adult sees that the parent may not change, and the not-change is the thing that the releasing is about, and the about is the thing that the releasing is. The releasing is not the giving up. The releasing is the letting go, and the letting go is the thing that the releasing is, and the is is the thing that the releasing is.

The Compassion for the Parent

The compassion for the parent is the thing that the seeing clearly makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the seeing clearly provides, and the provided is the thing that the compassion is built on. The compassion is not the excusing. The compassion is the understanding, and the understanding is the thing that the compassion is, and the is is the thing that the compassion is. The understanding of the parent's own history — the parent's own emotionally immature parents, the parent's own wounds, the parent's own adaptations — is the thing that the compassion is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the understanding provides.

The compassion, held, is the compassion that does not require the parent to change, and the not-requiring is the thing that the compassion does, and the doing is the thing that the compassion is. The compassion, held, is the compassion that sees the parent as the person who was doing the best, and the best is the thing that the compassion sees, and the seeing is the thing that the compassion is.

The Compassion for the Self

The compassion for the self is the thing that the seeing clearly also makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the seeing clearly provides, and the provided is the thing that the compassion is built on. The compassion for the self is the compassion for the child who adapted, and the adapting is the thing that the child did, and the doing is the thing that the compassion is for. The compassion for the self is the compassion that sees the adult as the person who did the best with the wounds, and the best is the thing that the compassion sees, and the seeing is the thing that the compassion is.

The compassion for the self, held, is the compassion that does not blame the self for the patterns, and the not-blaming is the thing that the compassion does, and the doing is the thing that the compassion is. The compassion for the self, held, is the compassion that sees the patterns as the adaptations, and the adaptations are the things that the compassion sees, and the seeing is the thing that the compassion is.

The Seeing Is the Foundation

The seeing clearly is the foundation of the healing, and the foundation is the thing that the seeing provides, and the provided is the thing that the healing is built on. The healing, built on the seeing, is the healing that is done with the clarity and the compassion, and the clarity and the compassion are the things that the seeing provides, and the provided is the thing that the healing is built on.

The next chapter is about the practice of the differentiated adult — the healing through the differentiation, and the differentiation is the thing that the healing is, and the is is the thing that the healing is.

The practice of the differentiated adult is the thing that the healing is, and the is is the thing that the healing is, because the healing, to be done, must be done in the practice, and the practice is the thing that the healing is. This chapter is about the practice of the differentiated adult — the healing through the differentiation, and the differentiation is the thing that the healing is.

What Differentiation Is

Differentiation is the capacity to be the self in the presence of the other, and the being-the-self is the thing that the differentiation is, and the is is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiated adult is the adult who can be in the relationship with the parent and be the self, and the being-the-self is the thing that the differentiated adult does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is. The undifferentiated adult is the adult who, in the relationship with the parent, is not the self but the adaptation, and the adaptation is the thing that the undifferentiated adult is, and the is is the thing that the undifferentiated is.

Differentiation is not the cutting off. Differentiation is the being in the relationship, and the being-in is the thing that the differentiation is, and the is is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiated adult is not the adult who has no relationship with the parent. The differentiated adult is the adult who has the relationship with the parent on the terms that the adult sets, and the setting is the thing that the differentiation does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is.

Differentiation is not the changing of the parent. Differentiation is the changing of the self, and the changing is the thing that the differentiation is, and the is is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiated adult is not the adult who makes the parent different. The differentiated adult is the adult who is different in the relationship with the parent, and the being-different is the thing that the differentiation does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is.

The Practices

The practices of the differentiated adult are the things that the differentiation is built on, and the built-on is the things that the practices provide, and the provided is the thing that the differentiation is built on. The practices include:

The practice of the observing — the observing of the self in the relationship with the parent, and the observing is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The observing adult is the adult who, when the parent does the pattern, watches the self, and the watching is the thing that the observing does, and the doing is the thing that the observing is. The observing is the thing that creates the space, and the space is the thing that the observing provides, and the provided is the thing that the differentiation is built on. The space, created, is the space between the trigger and the response, and the between is the thing that the space is, and the is is the thing that the space is. In the space, the adult chooses, and the choosing is the thing that the differentiation is, and the is is the thing that the differentiation is.

The practice of the boundaries — the setting of the limits with the parent, and the setting is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The boundary-setting adult is the adult who, when the parent crosses the line, names the line, and the naming is the thing that the boundary-setting does, and the doing is the thing that the boundary-setting is. The boundary is not the punishment. The boundary is the protection, and the protection is the thing that the boundary is, and the is is the thing that the boundary is. The boundary, set, is the boundary that protects the self, and the protecting is the thing that the boundary does, and the doing is the thing that the boundary is.

The practice of the not-reacting — the not-reacting to the parent's reactivity, and the not-reacting is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The not-reacting adult is the adult who, when the parent reacts, does not react back, and the not-reacting-back is the thing that the not-reacting does, and the doing is the thing that the not-reacting is. The not-reacting is not the suppressing. The not-reacting is the choosing, and the choosing is the thing that the not-reacting is, and the is is the thing that the not-reacting is. The not-reacting, done, is the thing that breaks the cycle, and the breaking is the thing that the not-reacting does, and the doing is the thing that the not-reacting is.

The practice of the self-validation — the validating of the self, and the validating is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The self-validating adult is the adult who, when the parent does not validate, validates the self, and the self-validating is the thing that the practice does, and the doing is the thing that the practice is. The self-validation is not the arrogance. The self-validation is the knowing, and the knowing is the thing that the self-validation is, and the is is the thing that the self-validation is. The self-validation, done, is the thing that frees the adult from the need for the parent's approval, and the freeing is the thing that the self-validation does, and the doing is the thing that the self-validation is.

The practice of the feeling — the feeling of the feelings, and the feeling is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The feeling adult is the adult who, when the feeling arises, allows the feeling, and the allowing is the thing that the feeling does, and the doing is the thing that the feeling is. The feeling is not the wallowing. The feeling is the experiencing, and the experiencing is the thing that the feeling is, and the is is the thing that the feeling is. The feeling, done, is the thing that heals the emotional suppression, and the healing is the thing that the feeling does, and the doing is the thing that the feeling is.

The Work of the Practice

The work of the practice is the work that is done over the time, and the over-time is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The practice is not the one-time. The practice is the ongoing, and the ongoing is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The practice, done over the time, is the practice that builds the differentiation, and the building is the thing that the practice does, and the doing is the thing that the practice is.

The practice is not the perfect. The practice is the imperfect, and the imperfect is the thing that the practice is, and the is is the thing that the practice is. The adult, in the practice, will fail, and the failing is the thing that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the practice is. The failing is not the end. The failing is the part, and the part is the thing that the failing is, and the is is the thing that the failing is. The adult, after the failing, returns to the practice, and the returning is the thing that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the practice is.

The Differentiation Is the Healing

The differentiation is the healing, and the healing is the thing that the differentiation is, and the is is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiation, practiced, is the thing that heals the wounds, and the healing is the thing that the differentiation does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiation, practiced, is the thing that changes the patterns, and the changing is the thing that the differentiation does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is. The differentiation, practiced, is the thing that frees the adult, and the freeing is the thing that the differentiation does, and the doing is the thing that the differentiation is.

The next chapter is about the relationship you can have — accepting the limits of the parent, keeping the door open, and the accepting is the thing the whole book is preparing the adult for, and the for is the thing that the next chapter is about.

The differentiation, practiced, is the thing that makes the relationship with the parent possible, and the possible is the thing that the differentiation provides, and the provided is the thing that the relationship is built on. This chapter is about the relationship you can have — accepting the limits of the parent, keeping the door open, and the accepting is the thing the whole book is preparing the adult for.

The Limits of the Parent

The limits of the parent are the things that the accepting is about, and the about is the thing that the limits are, and the are is the thing that the limits are. The parent is the person who has the limits, and the limits are the things that the parent has, and the having is the thing that the limits are. The limits are not the failures. The limits are the realities, and the realities are the things that the limits are, and the are is the thing that the limits are.

The parent may not be able to do the conversation, and the not-doing is the limit that the parent has, and the having is the thing that the limit is, and the is is the thing that the limit is. The parent may not be able to see the child as the child is, and the not-seeing is the limit that the parent has, and the having is the thing that the limit is, and the is is the thing that the limit is. The parent may not be able to apologize, and the not-apologizing is the limit that the parent has, and the having is the thing that the limit is, and the is is the thing that the limit is. The parent may not be able to change, and the not-changing is the limit that the parent has, and the having is the thing that the limit is, and the is is the thing that the limit is.

The accepting of the limits is not the resigning. The accepting is the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the accepting is, and the is is the thing that the accepting is. The accepting, done, is the accepting that frees the adult from the waiting for the parent to be the parent the adult needed, and the freeing is the thing that the accepting does, and the doing is the thing that the accepting is. The accepting, done, is the accepting that allows the adult to have the relationship with the parent as the parent is, and the allowing is the thing that the accepting does, and the doing is the thing that the accepting is.

The Relationship on the Terms

The relationship with the parent, on the terms that the adult sets, is the thing that the differentiation makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the differentiation provides, and the provided is the thing that the relationship is built on. The relationship on the terms is not the relationship that the child wanted. The relationship on the terms is the relationship that the adult can have, and the can-have is the thing that the relationship is, and the is is the thing that the relationship is.

The relationship on the terms may be the relationship that is smaller than the child wanted, and the smaller is the thing that the relationship may be, and the may-be is the thing that the relationship is. The relationship on the terms may be the relationship that is more distant than the child wanted, and the more-distant is the thing that the relationship may be, and the may-be is the thing that the relationship is. The relationship on the terms may be the relationship that is different from the child wanted, and the different is the thing that the relationship may be, and the may-be is the thing that the relationship is.

But the relationship on the terms, though smaller, though more distant, though different, is the relationship that is real, and the real is the thing that the relationship is, and the is is the thing that the relationship is. The real relationship is the relationship that is built on the seeing, and the seeing is the thing that the real relationship is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the real relationship is. The real relationship, though not the relationship the child wanted, is the relationship that the adult can have, and the can-have is the thing that the real relationship is, and the is is the thing that the real relationship is.

Keeping the Door Open

The keeping of the door open is the thing that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the adult is, and the is is the thing that the adult is. The keeping of the door open is not the waiting for the parent to change. The keeping of the door open is the leaving of the possibility, and the leaving is the thing that the keeping does, and the doing is the thing that the keeping is. The possibility, left, is the possibility that the parent may, in the parent's own time and the parent's own way, do the work that the parent may do, and the may-do is the thing that the possibility is, and the is is the thing that the possibility is.

The keeping of the door open is not the obligation. The keeping of the door open is the choice, and the choice is the thing that the keeping is, and the is is the thing that the keeping is. The adult chooses to keep the door open, and the choosing is the thing that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the keeping is. The adult may, at the time, choose to close the door, and the closing is the thing that the adult may do, and the may-do is the thing that the choice is, and the is is the thing that the choice is. The closing is not the failure. The closing is the protection, and the protection is the thing that the closing is, and the is is the thing that the closing is.

The Grief and the Gratitude

The relationship with the emotionally immature parent is the relationship that holds the grief and the gratitude, and the holding is the thing that the relationship does, and the doing is the thing that the relationship is. The grief is the grief for the parent the adult did not have, and the not-having is the thing that the grief is about, and the about is the thing that the grief is. The gratitude is the gratitude for the parent the adult did have, and the having is the thing that the gratitude is about, and the about is the thing that the gratitude is. The grief and the gratitude, held together, are the things that the relationship is, and the is is the thing that the relationship is.

The grief and the gratitude are not the contradictions. The grief and the gratitude are the complements, and the complements are the things that the grief and the gratitude are, and the are is the thing that the grief and the gratitude are. The adult can grieve the parent the adult did not have and be grateful for the parent the adult did have, and the being-both is the thing that the adult does, and the doing is the thing that the grief and the gratitude are.

A Final Word

The healing of the wounds of the emotionally immature parent is not the healing that changes the parent. The healing is the healing that changes the adult, and the adult is the thing that the healing is for, and the for is the thing that the healing is. The healing, done, is the healing that frees the adult from the patterns, and the freeing is the thing that the healing does, and the doing is the thing that the healing is. The healing, done, is the healing that allows the adult to have the relationship with the parent as the parent is, and the allowing is the thing that the healing does, and the doing is the thing that the healing is.

The work is not easy. The seeing of the wound is the work, and the understanding of the immaturity is the work, and the seeing of the patterns is the work, and the distinguishing of the parent from the pattern is the work, and the practicing of the differentiation is the work, and the accepting of the limits is the work. But the work, done, is the work that frees the adult, and the freeing is the thing that the work, done, provides, and the provided is the thing the whole book is for.

You did not choose the parent you had. You did not choose the wounds the parent produced. You did not choose the patterns the wounds became. You can choose, in the moment you begin the work, to do the healing the wounds require. The seeing is here. The understanding is here. The practice is here. The accepting is here. And the compassion, the compassion for the parent and the compassion for the self, is the thing that the whole book is for, and the for is the thing that the book is, and the book is now yours, and the healing is now yours, and the life, lived on the terms you set, is the thing that makes it so.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C, BASSW