Communication In Any Relationship

Every relationship you have — the marriage, the friendship, the partnership, the family, the working team — is built out of the communication that happens inside it. Not the love, not the shared history, not the good intentions, not the promises. The communication. The communication is the material the relationship is made of, in the same way that the bricks are the material the house is made of, and the relationship, like the house, is only as strong as the material it is built from, and the material, when it is poor, produces a structure that cannot hold, no matter how much the people inside it want it to.

This is a book about the material. It is written from fifteen years of clinical practice with people who came in describing their relationships as broken, and who, in the work, turned out to be in relationships that were not broken but uncommunicated — relationships in which the love was real, the commitment was real, the desire for the relationship to work was real, and the communication was poor, and the poor communication, over years, had produced the brokenness they were experiencing. The communication was the cause. The communication, addressed, was the cure.

The book is built around five things that communication in any relationship must have, if the relationship is to hold. The five are not a checklist. They are a practice — a set of disciplines that, applied consistently, produce the kind of communication that builds and sustains a relationship, and that, neglected, produce the kind of communication that erodes one. The five are: clear communication; listening to understand; the fireside chat, as a practice of proactive and intentional conversation; the deeper conversation, that is meaningful in nature; and the experience of being understood, in the communication time. The chapters that follow take each in turn, and the taking, together, is the practice.

Who This Book Is For

It is for the person in a relationship that is struggling, who has begun to suspect that the struggle is, at its root, a communication problem, and who wants to understand what good communication actually is and how to do it. It is for the person in a relationship that is good, who wants to make it better, and who has the intuition that the better is available through the communication. It is for the person between relationships, who wants the next one to work, and who is willing to do the work on the communication before the next one begins. It is for the clinician who works with couples and families and teams, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and practical enough to use. It is for anyone who has ever walked away from a conversation with someone they love feeling less connected than when they walked in, and who has wondered why.

What This Book Is Not

This book is not a collection of tricks. It is not a list of phrases that magically defuse conflict, or techniques that make people agree with you, or strategies for winning arguments. The communication this book is about is not a tool for getting your way. It is a practice for building a relationship, and the building, done well, serves both people, and the serving of both is the thing that makes the relationship hold. The communication that is a tool for getting your way is the communication that erodes the relationship, because the other person, over time, experiences the communication as a manipulation, and the manipulation, experienced, destroys the trust the communication requires.

This book is also not a substitute for the clinical care that some relationships need. If the relationship is shaped by abuse — by the use of communication as a weapon, by the withholding of communication as a punishment, by the distortion of communication as a means of control — the practices in this book will not fix the relationship, because the relationship is not a communication problem. It is an abuse problem, and the abuse must be addressed before the communication can be worked on, and the addressing of the abuse is a different kind of work, often requiring professional help and, sometimes, requiring the ending of the relationship. If you are in a relationship where communication is used to harm you, the first communication you need is with someone who can help — a domestic violence hotline (800-799-7233 in the United States), a clinician, a trusted person. Get safe first. The chapters will be here when you are.

The Five, Named

The five things this book is about are named here, briefly, so you know what is coming, and the chapters that follow take each in depth.

Clear communication is the first. It is the practice of saying what you mean, in words the other person can understand, without the ambiguity, the hinting, the expecting-to-be-read that turns so much communication into a guessing game. Clear communication is harder than it sounds, because it requires knowing what you mean, which requires knowing what you feel, which requires the willingness to feel it, and the willingness, often, is the thing that is missing.

Listening to understand is the second. It is the practice of receiving the other person's communication with the aim of understanding it, rather than the aim of responding to it, defending against it, or fixing it. Listening to understand is the rarest of the communication skills, and it is the one that does the most to build the relationship, because the experience of being understood is the experience that most people are starving for, and the person who provides it is the person who is loved for providing it.

The fireside chat is the third. It is the practice of proactive, intentional conversation — the regular, structured time set aside to talk about the relationship, the life, the things that matter, before the things that matter become the things that have gone wrong. The fireside chat is the antidote to the reactive communication that most relationships default to, in which the only conversations that happen are the ones triggered by a problem, and the conversations, triggered by problems, are the conversations that go worst.

The deeper conversation is the fourth. It is the practice of communication that is meaningful in nature — the conversation that goes beyond the logistics, the schedules, the tasks, the surface, into the things that actually matter: the hopes, the fears, the dreams, the disappointments, the questions, the wonderings. The deeper conversation is the conversation that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for, and the conversation that does not go deep does not build it.

Being understood is the fifth. It is the experience, in the communication time, of being understood — not agreed with, not validated, not fixed, but understood, in the sense that the other person has received what you meant and you know they have received it. Being understood is the goal of the communication, and the four practices before it are the means to the goal, and the goal, reached, is the thing that makes the communication worth doing, and the relationship worth having.

A Word on the Word "Must"

The title uses the word "must," and the word matters. The five are not suggestions. They are not preferences. They are not the things that would be nice if you had the time. They are the things that the relationship must have, if the relationship is to hold, in the same way that the house must have a foundation, if the house is to stand. The relationship that does not have them will not hold, and the not-holding is not a matter of bad luck or bad people. It is a matter of the missing material, and the material, missing, is the thing that the practice provides.

The "must" is not a burden. It is a relief. It means that the work is clear. You do not have to guess at what the relationship needs. You do not have to invent the communication. The five are named, the practice is described, and the doing of the practice is the thing that builds the relationship, and the building, done, is the thing that gives you the relationship you wanted, and the wanting, honored, is the thing that the whole book is for. Begin.

Clear communication is the first practice, and it is the foundation the other four stand on, because the communication that is not clear cannot be understood, and the communication that cannot be understood cannot do the work the communication is for. This chapter is about clear communication — what it is, why it is so rare, and how to do it, in the daily life of a relationship.

What Clear Communication Is

Clear communication is the practice of saying what you mean, in words the other person can understand, with the minimum of ambiguity. It is the communication in which the message sent is the message received, and the message received is the message the sender intended. Clear communication is not blunt. It is not cruel. It is not the absence of tact or the abandonment of care. It is the presence of precision — the willingness to say the thing you mean, in the way that the other person can hear it, and the willingness to say no more and no less than what you mean.

The test of clear communication is simple: after the communication, does the other person know what you meant? If yes, the communication was clear. If no, or if you are not sure, the communication was not clear, and the not-clear is the thing that produces the misunderstanding, and the misunderstanding, accumulated, is the thing that erodes the relationship. The test is not whether the other person agreed with you, or liked what you said, or responded the way you wanted. The test is whether they understood what you meant. The understanding is the thing the communication is for, and the clear communication is the communication that produces it.

Why Clear Communication Is So Rare

Clear communication is rare because it is hard, and it is hard for reasons that are not superficial. The first reason is that clear communication requires knowing what you mean, and knowing what you mean requires knowing what you feel, and knowing what you feel is a skill that many people have not been taught and that the culture does not reward. The person who has spent decades not attending to their own feelings is the person who, when asked what they mean, does not know, and the not-knowing produces the communication that is vague, or hinting, or expecting the other person to figure it out, and the vague, hinting, expecting communication is the communication that produces the misunderstanding.

The second reason is that clear communication requires the willingness to say what you mean, and the willingness is often blocked by fear. The fear of the other person's reaction. The fear of conflict. The fear of being misunderstood. The fear of being judged. The fear of being rejected. The person who is afraid of the reaction communicates around the thing, rather than the thing, and the communicating-around is the communication that is not clear, and the not-clear, again, is the thing that produces the misunderstanding, and the misunderstanding is the thing the fear was trying to prevent, and the irony is that the fear, by producing the unclear communication, produces the very reaction the fear was afraid of.

The third reason is that clear communication requires the belief that what you mean matters, and the belief, in many people, is damaged. The person who, early in life, was taught that their feelings did not matter, or that their needs were not important, or that saying what they meant was dangerous, is the person who, in adulthood, does not say what they mean, because the saying, to the damaged belief, feels like a violation of the rule that what they mean does not matter. The damage is real, and the damage is addressable, and the addressing is part of the work of clear communication, but the addressing requires the recognition that the unclear communication is, in part, a symptom of the damage, and the damage, not the communication, is the thing that must be addressed.

The Practices of Clear Communication

Clear communication is a set of practices, and the practices, done consistently, produce the clear communication over time. The practices are not complicated, but they require the willingness to do them, and the willingness, as we have seen, is the thing that is often missing, and the building of the willingness is part of the work.

The first practice is to check, before you speak, what you actually mean. The checking is a pause — a moment, before the communication, to ask yourself: what am I trying to say? What do I actually feel? What do I actually want? The pause is the thing that produces the clarity, because the clarity is not available without the checking, and the checking, done, gives you the thing to say, and the thing to say, said clearly, is the clear communication. The pause takes seconds, and the seconds, taken, save the hours that the unclear communication would have cost.

The second practice is to say the thing in words the other person can understand. The words the other person can understand are not the words that are most precise, or most sophisticated, or most expressive of your interior state. They are the words that will land — that the other person, given who they are and what they know, will receive as you mean them. The choosing of the words is an act of empathy — of imagining the other person's receiving, and shaping the communication to the receiving, and the shaping is the thing that makes the communication clear, because the clear communication is the communication that is clear to the receiver, not the sender.

The third practice is to say no more and no less than what you mean. The saying of more — the elaboration, the qualification, the hedging, the adding of things you do not mean to soften the things you do — is the saying that muddies the communication, and the muddied communication is the communication that is not clear. The saying of less — the hinting, the implying, the expecting the other person to read between the lines — is the saying that leaves the communication incomplete, and the incomplete communication is the communication that is not clear. The clear communication is the communication that is complete and precise, and the complete and precise is the thing that the practice produces.

The fourth practice is to check, after the communication, whether the other person understood. The checking is not a test. It is a curiosity — "let me make sure I said that clearly — what did you hear me say?" — and the curiosity is the thing that catches the misunderstandings before they become the conflicts, and the catching is the thing that keeps the communication clear, over time, and the keeping is the thing that builds the relationship.

The Cost of Unclear Communication

The cost of unclear communication is the relationship. The misunderstanding, accumulated, is the distance between the people, and the distance, grown, is the loneliness that the people in the relationship feel, and the loneliness, felt, is the thing that makes the relationship feel like it is not working, even when the love is real and the commitment is real. The unclear communication is not a small thing. It is the thing that erodes the relationship from the inside, and the erosion, unseen, is the thing that produces the collapse that seems sudden but that has been happening for years.

The good news is that the erosion is reversible, and the reversal is the practice. The clear communication, begun, produces the understanding, and the understanding, accumulated, is the closeness, and the closeness, grown, is the thing that the relationship is for, and the thing that the relationship was always capable of, and the thing that the practice, done, gives back. The clear communication is the first practice, and it is the foundation, and the foundation, laid, is the thing the other four stand on, and the other four, standing on it, are the things that build the rest.

Listening to understand is the second practice, and it is the rarest of the communication skills, and it is the one that does the most to build the relationship. This chapter is about listening to understand — what it is, what it is not, and why the person who learns it becomes the person the people in their life want to talk to.

What Listening to Understand Is

Listening to understand is the practice of receiving the other person's communication with the aim of understanding it. Not the aim of responding to it. Not the aim of defending against it. Not the aim of fixing it. Not the aim of agreeing with it or disagreeing with it. The aim of understanding it — of taking in what the other person means, fully and accurately, so that you can say, truthfully, "I understand what you mean," and the saying is true.

Listening to understand is an act of attention. It is the giving of your attention, fully, to the other person's communication, for the duration of the communication, without the distraction of your own response forming, or your own judgment activating, or your own solution generating. The attention, given fully, is the thing that makes the understanding possible, because the understanding requires the taking-in of the whole communication, and the whole communication is not taken in by the attention that is divided, and the divided attention is the attention that most people give, and the giving of the divided attention is the reason most people are not understood.

Listening to understand is also an act of curiosity. It is the genuine interest in what the other person means — the interest that asks, "what is it like to be you, saying this, right now?" and that listens for the answer, not to use the answer but to have it. The curiosity is the thing that makes the listening real, because the listening without the curiosity is the listening that the other person experiences as performance, and the performance, experienced, is the thing that makes the other person stop talking, and the stopping is the end of the communication, and the ending is the thing the listening was meant to prevent.

What Listening to Understand Is Not

Listening to understand is not listening to respond. The listening to respond is the listening that most people do, and it is the listening in which the attention, while the other person is speaking, is on the formation of the response, rather than on the receiving of the communication. The response, forming, takes the attention, and the attention, taken, is not available for the understanding, and the not-available attention is the thing that produces the response that makes it clear you were not listening, and the clear-not-listening is the thing that makes the other person feel unheard, and the unheard is the thing the listening was meant to prevent.

Listening to understand is not listening to defend. The listening to defend is the listening that happens when the communication is felt as an attack, and the attention, while the other person is speaking, is on the preparation of the defense, rather than on the understanding of the communication. The defense, prepared, is the thing that is said, and the thing that is said is the thing that makes it clear you were defending, not listening, and the defending, experienced, is the thing that escalates the conflict, and the escalation is the thing the listening was meant to prevent.

Listening to understand is not listening to fix. The listening to fix is the listening that happens when the other person is describing a problem, and the attention, while they are speaking, is on the generation of the solution, rather than on the understanding of the experience. The solution, offered, is the thing that is said, and the thing that is said is the thing that makes the other person feel that their experience was not received, that it was immediately converted into a problem to be solved, and the not-received is the thing that makes the other person feel alone, and the alone is the thing the listening was meant to prevent.

Listening to understand is not listening to agree. The listening to agree is the listening that happens when the agreement is the goal, and the attention, while the other person is speaking, is on the evaluation of whether you agree, rather than on the understanding of what they mean. The agreement, or the disagreement, is the thing that is said, and the thing that is said is the thing that makes the other person feel that the listening was conditional — that you were listening only to determine whether to accept or reject — and the conditional is the thing that makes the other person feel judged, and the judged is the thing the listening was meant to prevent.

The Practice of Listening to Understand

Listening to understand is a practice, and the practice, done consistently, produces the skill over time. The practices are simple, and they require the willingness to do them, and the willingness, again, is the thing that is often missing, and the building of the willingness is part of the work.

The first practice is to silence the internal response. When the other person begins to speak, notice the impulse to form your response, and choose, deliberately, to let the impulse pass, and to return your attention to the receiving of the communication. The noticing and the returning is the practice, and the practice, repeated, is the thing that trains the attention to stay with the communication, and the staying is the thing that makes the understanding possible.

The second practice is to reflect, before you respond. When the other person has finished speaking, before you say what you want to say, say back what you heard — "let me make sure I understand; what I heard you say is..." — and the saying-back is the thing that checks the understanding, and the checking is the thing that catches the misunderstandings, and the catching is the thing that keeps the communication clear, and the keeping is the thing that builds the relationship.

The third practice is to ask, before you respond, whether you have understood. The asking is the curiosity — "did I get that right? is there more?" — and the asking is the thing that gives the other person the chance to correct the understanding or to add to the communication, and the giving is the thing that makes the other person feel received, and the received is the thing the listening was for.

The fourth practice is to respond, only after the understanding is confirmed, and to respond from the understanding, rather than from the reaction. The response, from the understanding, is the response that is connected to what the other person actually said, rather than the response that is connected to what you assumed they said, and the connected response is the thing that makes the other person feel met, and the met is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for.

Why Listening to Understand Builds the Relationship

Listening to understand builds the relationship because the experience of being understood is the experience that most people are starving for, and the person who provides it is the person who is loved for providing it. The person who feels understood feels safe, and the safety is the thing that allows the person to be more of themselves, and the more-of-themselves is the thing that deepens the relationship, and the deepening is the thing the relationship is for.

The listening also builds the listener. The person who listens to understand, consistently, becomes the person who understands more — who sees more, who knows more, who is more in contact with the actual people in their life, rather than the imagined versions of them. The understanding, grown, is the thing that makes the listener wiser, and the wiser is the thing that makes the listener a better partner, friend, parent, colleague, and the better is the thing that the listening, done, produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the listening worth doing, for the listener as much as for the listened-to.

Listening to understand is the second practice, and it is the rarest, and it is the one that does the most to build the relationship, and the relationship, built by the listening, is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the fireside chat — the practice that makes the listening, and the clear communication, happen regularly, before the problems, and the regular, before-the-problems is the thing that keeps the relationship from becoming the reactive, problem-driven communication that erodes it.

The fireside chat is the third practice, and it is the practice that makes the other two happen regularly, before the problems, rather than only after. This chapter is about the fireside chat — what it is, why it matters, and how to do it, in the life of a relationship that is busy and full and not naturally inclined to set aside the time.

What the Fireside Chat Is

The fireside chat is a regular, structured time set aside for conversation about the relationship, the life, and the things that matter. It is proactive — it happens on a schedule, not in response to a problem. It is intentional — it has a purpose, and the purpose is the maintaining and the deepening of the connection, and the purpose is held, rather than abandoned to the logistics that will try to fill the time. It is a conversation, not a negotiation, not a planning meeting, not a review of the calendar, not a discussion of the children or the bills or the tasks. It is a conversation about the two of you, and the life you are sharing, and the things that matter that are not the logistics.

The name comes from the image of the fireside — the old image of the couple, at the end of the day, by the fire, talking about the day and the life and the things that matter. The image is old because the practice is old, and the practice is old because it works, and the works is the thing that the modern life, with its screens and its schedules and its exhaustion, has crowded out, and the crowding-out is the thing that the fireside chat, as a deliberate practice, is meant to restore.

Why the Fireside Chat Matters

The fireside chat matters because the communication that happens only in response to problems is the communication that erodes the relationship. The problem-triggered communication is the communication that happens under stress, and the stress is the thing that makes the communication defensive, and the defensive communication is the communication that is not clear and not listening and not deep, and the not-clear, not-listening, not-deep is the communication that produces the conflict, and the conflict, accumulated, is the thing that erodes the relationship.

The fireside chat interrupts the erosion by providing the communication that is not problem-triggered. The regular, scheduled, intentional conversation is the conversation that happens when the stress is low and the goodwill is available, and the low-stress, high-goodwill communication is the communication that can be clear and listening and deep, and the clear, listening, deep, done regularly, is the thing that maintains the connection, and the maintained connection is the thing that makes the problem-triggered communication, when it happens, go better, because the connection, maintained, is the resource the problem-triggered communication draws on.

The fireside chat also matters because it catches the small things before they become the big things. The regular conversation is the conversation in which the small dissatisfactions, the small misunderstandings, the small drifts, are named, while they are small, and the naming, while small, is the thing that keeps them from growing, and the not-growing is the thing that prevents the big problems, and the preventing is the thing that saves the relationship the energy the big problems would have cost, and the saved energy is the thing that is available for the living of the life, and the living is the thing the relationship is for.

How to Do the Fireside Chat

The fireside chat is a practice, and the practice, done consistently, produces the benefits over time. The practices are simple, and they require the willingness to prioritize the time, and the prioritizing is the thing that is often hard, and the hard is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The first practice is to set the time. The time is regular — once a week, or once every two weeks, or whatever cadence the life allows — and the regularity is the thing that makes the practice work, because the regularity is the thing that makes the conversation happen, and the happening, done regularly, is the thing that maintains the connection. The time is protected — it is not moved for the logistics, it is not canceled for the exhaustion, it is held as the priority it is, and the holding is the thing that makes the practice real, and the real is the thing that produces the benefits.

The second practice is to set the frame. The frame is the purpose — "this is our time to talk about us, and the life we are sharing, and the things that matter" — and the frame, stated, is the thing that keeps the conversation from drifting into the logistics, and the keeping is the thing that makes the conversation the conversation it is meant to be. The frame is stated at the beginning of each chat, and the stating is the thing that reminds both people of the purpose, and the reminding is the thing that keeps the purpose held.

The third practice is to use the time. The time is for the conversation, and the conversation is for the things that matter, and the things that matter include: how are we, as a couple, right now? What is working? What is not? What are we grateful for, in each other, this week? What is something I am wondering about, or worried about, or hoping for? What is something I want to know about you, that I do not? The questions are the structure, and the structure is the thing that makes the conversation go deep, and the deep is the thing the chat is for.

The fourth practice is to hold the communication skills, during the chat. The clear communication, the listening to understand — these are the skills the chat is built to practice, and the practicing, during the chat, is the thing that makes the chat work, and the work is the thing that maintains the connection. The chat is the laboratory, and the laboratory is the place the skills are developed, and the development is the thing that makes the skills available in the rest of the life, and the availability is the thing that makes the whole communication better.

The Obstacles and How to Meet Them

The obstacles to the fireside chat are real, and the meeting of them is part of the practice. The first obstacle is the time — the life is busy, and the busy is the thing that makes the chat feel like one more thing, and the one-more-thing is the thing that makes the chat get dropped. The meeting of the time obstacle is the prioritizing — the recognition that the chat is not one more thing, but the thing that makes the other things work, and the recognition, held, is the thing that makes the time, and the making is the thing that makes the practice happen.

The second obstacle is the exhaustion — the life is tiring, and the tiring is the thing that makes the chat feel like too much, and the too-much is the thing that makes the chat get skipped. The meeting of the exhaustion obstacle is the gentleness — the chat does not have to be long, or heavy, or intense. It can be fifteen minutes, with a cup of tea, at the end of the day, and the fifteen minutes, done gently, is the thing that maintains the connection, and the maintaining is the thing that makes the exhaustion easier, because the connection, maintained, is the resource the exhaustion draws on.

The third obstacle is the avoidance — the chat, by design, surfaces the things that are not being said, and the not-being-said is the not-being-said for a reason, and the reason is often the fear of the conversation, and the fear is the thing that makes the chat get avoided. The meeting of the avoidance obstacle is the courage — the willingness to have the conversation, in the safety of the chat, with the skills the chat practices, and the willingness, cultivated, is the thing that makes the chat go deep, and the deep is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the avoidance was afraid of losing, and the losing is the thing the chat, done, prevents.

The Fireside Chat as the Heart of the Practice

The fireside chat is the heart of the practice, because it is the thing that makes the other practices happen. The clear communication and the listening to understand are the skills, and the fireside chat is the time the skills are used, and the using, done regularly, is the thing that makes the skills strong, and the strong skills are the thing that makes the whole communication better, and the better communication is the thing that builds the relationship, and the relationship, built, is the thing the whole book is for. The next chapter is the deeper conversation — the practice of going beyond the surface, into the things that actually matter, and the going-beyond is the thing the fireside chat, done well, makes possible.

The deeper conversation is the fourth practice, and it is the practice that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for. This chapter is about the deeper conversation — what it is, why it is so often missing, and how to have it, in the life of a relationship that has settled, as most do, into the surface.

What the Deeper Conversation Is

The deeper conversation is the conversation that is meaningful in nature — the conversation that goes beyond the logistics, the schedules, the tasks, the surface, into the things that actually matter. The things that matter include: the hopes — what you are hoping for, in this life, in this relationship, in this year. The fears — what you are afraid of, what you are worried about, what you are carrying that you have not said. The dreams — what you would do, if you could, if you were not afraid, if you had the time, if you had the permission. The disappointments — what has not gone the way you hoped, and how you are carrying it. The questions — the things you are wondering about, the things you do not understand, the things you are making sense of. The wonderings — the things you think about when you are alone, the things that matter to you that you have not shared.

The deeper conversation is the conversation that names these things, and the naming, to another person, is the thing that builds the intimacy, because the intimacy is the knowing and the being-known, and the knowing and the being-known require the sharing of the things that are actually true, and the things that are actually true are the things that are not the logistics. The deeper conversation is the conversation that shares the true things, and the sharing is the thing that makes the relationship real, and the real is the thing the relationship is for.

Why the Deeper Conversation Is So Often Missing

The deeper conversation is so often missing because the surface is easier, and the easier is the thing the life defaults to, and the default is the thing that produces the relationship that is functional but not intimate, and the functional-but-not-intimate is the thing that most people, when they describe their relationships, are describing. The relationship that runs on the logistics — the children, the bills, the schedules, the tasks — is the relationship that works, in the sense that the life is managed, and the managing is the thing that the logistics produce, and the producing is the thing that feels like the relationship is working, until the realization, often years in, that the relationship is working but not alive, and the not-alive is the thing the missing deeper conversation has produced.

The deeper conversation is also missing because it requires the vulnerability, and the vulnerability is hard. The sharing of the hopes and the fears and the dreams and the disappointments is the sharing of the self, and the sharing of the self is the thing that can be met with understanding or with dismissal, and the dismissal is the thing the vulnerability is afraid of, and the fear is the thing that keeps the conversation on the surface, and the surface is the thing that is safe, and the safe is the thing that the relationship settles into, and the settling is the thing that produces the functional-but-not-intimate, and the functional-but-not-intimate is the thing that the deeper conversation, had, would break open, and the breaking-open is the thing the fear is afraid of, and the fear, unmet, is the thing that keeps the conversation shallow.

The deeper conversation is also missing because it requires the time, and the time is the thing the life does not have, or does not make, and the not-making is the thing that keeps the conversation on the surface, and the surface is the thing that fills the available time, and the filling is the thing that leaves no room for the deep, and the no-room is the thing that the fireside chat, from the last chapter, is meant to address, and the addressing is the thing that makes the deeper conversation possible, and the possible is the thing that the practice, done, produces.

How to Have the Deeper Conversation

The deeper conversation is a practice, and the practice, done consistently, produces the intimacy over time. The practices are simple, and they require the willingness to go beyond the surface, and the willingness is the thing that is often hard, and the hard is the thing the practice must overcome.

The first practice is to ask the questions that go deep. The questions are not complicated, but they are the questions that the surface conversation does not ask. "What are you hoping for, this year?" "What are you afraid of, right now?" "What is something you have been thinking about that you have not said?" "What is something you want me to know about you, that I do not?" "What is a dream you have that you have set aside, and why?" The questions are the invitations, and the invitations are the thing that gives the other person the permission to go deep, and the permission is the thing that makes the deep conversation possible, and the possible is the thing the practice produces.

The second practice is to answer the questions honestly, when they are asked of you. The honest answering is the vulnerability, and the vulnerability is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the building is the thing the conversation is for. The honest answering is not the over-sharing, or the dumping, or the using of the conversation as a therapy session. It is the measured, real sharing of the things that are true, and the measured, real sharing is the thing that the other person can receive, and the receiving is the thing that builds the knowing, and the knowing is the thing the intimacy is.

The third practice is to receive the other person's deep sharing with the listening to understand, from chapter three. The deep sharing, received with the listening to understand, is the deep sharing that is met, and the met is the thing that makes the sharing safe, and the safe is the thing that makes the sharing continue, and the continuing is the thing that deepens the intimacy, and the deepening is the thing the conversation is for. The deep sharing, received with the fixing or the defending or the dismissing, is the deep sharing that is not met, and the not-met is the thing that makes the sharing stop, and the stopping is the thing that keeps the conversation on the surface, and the surface is the thing the practice is meant to break.

The fourth practice is to make the deep conversation regular, not rare. The deep conversation that happens once a year, or once a crisis, is the deep conversation that does not build the intimacy, because the building requires the consistency, and the consistency is the thing that makes the deep conversation a part of the relationship, rather than an event in it. The regular deep conversation, woven into the fireside chat, is the thing that builds the intimacy over time, and the over-time is the thing that makes the intimacy strong, and the strong is the thing that makes the relationship hold.

The Intimacy the Deeper Conversation Builds

The intimacy the deeper conversation builds is the thing the relationship is for. The intimacy is the knowing and the being-known, and the knowing and the being-known are the things that make the relationship real, and the real is the thing that makes the relationship worth having, and the worth-having is the thing the whole practice is aimed at. The relationship without the intimacy is the relationship that works but does not live, and the works-but-does-not-live is the thing that most people, when they describe the loneliness inside their relationships, are describing, and the loneliness is the thing the deeper conversation, had, addresses, and the addressing is the thing that gives the relationship its life.

The deeper conversation is the fourth practice, and it is the one that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for. The next chapter is the fifth practice — being understood, in the communication time — and the being-understood is the goal the other four are aimed at, and the goal, reached, is the thing that makes the communication worth doing, and the relationship worth having.

Being understood is the fifth practice, and it is the goal the other four are aimed at. This chapter is about being understood — what it is, why it is the goal, and how the other four practices, done together, produce it, and how the producing, experienced, is the thing that makes the relationship worth having.

What Being Understood Is

Being understood is the experience, in the communication time, of being understood — not agreed with, not validated, not fixed, but understood, in the sense that the other person has received what you meant, and you know they have received it. The experience is specific, and the person who has had it knows it, and the person who has not had it knows its absence, and the absence is the thing that most people, when they describe the loneliness inside their relationships, are describing.

Being understood is not the same as being agreed with. The agreement is the thing that happens when the other person shares your view, and the sharing is not required for the understanding. The understanding is the thing that happens when the other person has received your view, accurately, and the receiving is the thing that makes you feel understood, and the feeling-understood is the thing the communication is for, and the for is the thing that makes the understanding the goal, rather than the agreement. The person who is understood without being agreed with is the person who is known, and the known is the thing the intimacy is, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for.

Being understood is not the same as being validated. The validation is the thing that happens when the other person confirms that your feeling is legitimate, and the confirming is not the same as the understanding. The understanding is the thing that happens when the other person has received what you mean, and the receiving is the thing that makes you feel understood, and the feeling-understood is the thing the communication is for. The validation, without the understanding, is the thing that feels hollow, and the hollow is the thing that the person who has been validated without being understood experiences, and the experience is the thing that makes the validation not enough, and the not-enough is the thing that makes the understanding the goal.

Being understood is not the same as being fixed. The fixing is the thing that happens when the other person offers a solution, and the solution is not the same as the understanding. The understanding is the thing that happens when the other person has received the experience, and the receiving is the thing that makes you feel understood, and the feeling-understood is the thing the communication is for. The fixing, without the understanding, is the thing that feels dismissive, and the dismissive is the thing that the person who has been fixed without being understood experiences, and the experience is the thing that makes the fixing not enough, and the not-enough is the thing that makes the understanding the goal.

Why Being Understood Is the Goal

Being understood is the goal because the experience of being understood is the experience that most people are starving for, and the starvation is the thing that makes the relationships feel empty, even when the love is real and the commitment is real. The person who is not understood, in the communication time, is the person who is alone, in the relationship, and the alone is the thing that the communication, done well, is meant to address, and the addressing is the thing that makes the communication worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the relationship worth having.

Being understood is the goal because the understanding is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for. The understanding, experienced, is the thing that makes the person feel safe, and the safety is the thing that allows the person to be more of themselves, and the more-of-themselves is the thing that deepens the relationship, and the deepening is the thing that makes the relationship alive, and the alive is the thing the relationship is for, and the for is the thing that makes the understanding the goal.

Being understood is the goal because the understanding is the thing that makes the other four practices worth doing. The clear communication, the listening to understand, the fireside chat, the deeper conversation — these are the practices, and the practices are the means, and the being-understood is the end, and the end, reached, is the thing that makes the means worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the practices sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the relationship hold, and the holding is the thing the whole book is for.

How the Other Four Produce the Being-Understood

The being-understood is produced by the other four practices, done together, and the together is the thing that makes the production possible, because the practices, done separately, are not enough, and the not-enough is the thing that the together addresses.

The clear communication is the thing that makes the being-understood possible, because the being-understood requires the clear message, and the clear message is the thing the clear communication produces. The person who says what they mean, clearly, is the person who can be understood, and the can-be-understood is the thing that makes the being-understood available, and the available is the thing the other practices work with.

The listening to understand is the thing that makes the being-understood happen, because the being-understood requires the receiving, and the receiving is the thing the listening produces. The person who is listened to, to understand, is the person who is understood, and the understood is the thing the listening produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the being-understood real, and the real is the thing the communication is for.

The fireside chat is the thing that makes the being-understood regular, because the being-understood, to build the relationship, must happen consistently, and the consistently is the thing the fireside chat provides. The regular, scheduled, intentional conversation is the conversation in which the being-understood is practiced, and the practicing, done regularly, is the thing that makes the being-understood a part of the relationship, rather than an event in it, and the part-of is the thing that builds the relationship, and the building is the thing the fireside chat is for.

The deeper conversation is the thing that makes the being-understood deep, because the being-understood, to build the intimacy, must be the understanding of the deep self, and the deep self is the thing the deeper conversation shares. The deep sharing, received with the understanding, is the thing that makes the being-understood the understanding of the whole person, and the whole-person understanding is the thing that builds the intimacy, and the intimacy is the thing the relationship is for, and the for is the thing the deeper conversation is for.

The Practice of Being Understood

Being understood is a practice, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the being-understood a part of the relationship. The practices are simple, and they require the willingness to seek the understanding, and the willingness is the thing that is often hard, and the hard is the thing the practice must overcome.

The first practice is to check, in the communication, whether you have been understood. The checking is the curiosity — "let me make sure I said that clearly; what did you hear me say?" — and the checking is the thing that catches the misunderstandings, and the catching is the thing that keeps the communication clear, and the keeping is the thing that makes the being-understood possible.

The second practice is to ask, when you have not been understood, for the understanding again. The asking is not a complaint. It is a request — "I do not think I was understood; let me try again" — and the request is the thing that gives the communication another chance, and the another-chance is the thing that makes the being-understood happen, and the happening is the thing the communication is for.

The third practice is to offer the understanding, to the other person, that you want to receive. The understanding, offered, is the thing that makes the understanding, received, more likely, because the understanding, offered, is the thing that models the understanding, and the modeling is the thing that teaches the other person how to understand, and the teaching is the thing that makes the understanding a part of the relationship, and the part-of is the thing that builds the relationship, and the building is the thing the whole book is for.

The Relationship That the Practices Build

The relationship that the five practices build is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing the whole book has been pointing toward. The relationship that has the clear communication, the listening to understand, the fireside chat, the deeper conversation, and the being-understood is the relationship that is alive, and the alive is the thing the relationship is for, and the for is the thing that makes the practices worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the practices sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the relationship hold, and the holding is the thing that gives the people in the relationship the life the relationship is meant to give.

The practices are not a one-time work. They are a daily, weekly, lifelong practice, and the practice, done, is the thing that builds the relationship, and the building, done, is the thing that maintains the relationship, and the maintaining, done, is the thing that makes the relationship last, and the lasting is the thing the people in the relationship want, and the wanting, honored, is the thing the whole book is for.

A Final Word

Communication is the whole relationship, and the communication, done well, is the thing that makes the relationship whole. The five practices — clear communication, listening to understand, the fireside chat, the deeper conversation, and being understood — are the practices that make the communication whole, and the whole communication is the thing that makes the relationship whole, and the whole relationship is the thing that gives the people in it the life the relationship is meant to give. The practices are simple. The doing of them is the work of a life. The work, done, is the thing that gives you the relationship you wanted, and the wanting, honored, is the thing the whole book is for, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the communicating, done, is the thing that begins.

You did not choose the patterns that erode the communication. You can choose, in the moment you begin the practice, to do the work the communication requires. The practices are here. The work is clear. The relationship, built by the practices, is the relationship that is waiting, and the waiting is the thing this book has been honoring, and the honoring is the thing the book is, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the communicating, done, is the thing that makes it so.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C