Anger Symptoms, Causes and Effects

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions in the human experience, and the misunderstanding is the thing that makes the anger harder to manage, and the harder-to-manage is the thing that makes the anger more destructive, and the more-destructive is the thing that makes the understanding necessary, and the necessary is the thing this book is for. This is a book about anger — its symptoms, its causes, and its effects — and the understanding of all three is the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible.

Anger is not a character flaw. It is not a sign of weakness. It is not a moral failing. Anger is a feeling — a normal, natural, human feeling that every person experiences, and the experiencing is not the problem. The problem is what the anger does when it is not understood, not managed, and not expressed well, and the not-understood, not-managed, not-expressed-well is the thing that this book is about, and the about is the thing that makes the anger workable, and the workable is the thing that makes the change possible.

This book is written from fifteen years of clinical practice, much of it with people who came in describing themselves as "angry people," and who, in the work, turned out to be people who were not angry people but people who had anger, and who did not understand the anger, and who did not know what to do with it, and the not-understanding and the not-knowing were the things that made the anger destructive, and the destructive was the thing that brought them into the room. The understanding is the work, and the work is what this book is for.

Who This Book Is For

It is for the person who has been told their anger is a problem, and who wants to understand it before they try to fix it. It is for the person who feels the anger and does not know where it comes from, and who wants to know. It is for the person who has seen the effects of their anger on the people they love, and who wants to stop the effects. It is for the person who lives with someone who is angry, and who wants to understand what is happening and why. It is for the clinician who works with angry clients, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and practical enough to use. It is for anyone who has ever felt the heat of the anger rise and wondered what it is and what it means and what to do about it.

What This Book Is Not

This book is not an anger-management workbook in the traditional sense. It is not a list of techniques to suppress the anger or count to ten or punch a pillow. The techniques, while sometimes useful, are not the understanding, and the understanding is the thing that makes the techniques work, and the work is the thing that this book is about. The book is also not a substitute for professional clinical care. If your anger has become violent, or if you are afraid of what your anger might do, the first call is not to this book but to a clinician, or to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. Get help first. The chapters will be here when you are ready.

The Three — Symptoms, Causes, Effects

The book is built around three things — the symptoms, the causes, and the effects — and the three, together, are the understanding, and the understanding is the thing that makes the anger addressable.

The symptoms are how the anger shows up — the body, the mind, the behavior — and the knowing of the symptoms is the thing that makes the anger recognizable, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the anger nameable, and the nameable is the thing that makes the anger workable. You cannot address what you cannot recognize, and the recognizing is the thing the symptoms chapter is for.

The causes are where the anger comes from — the biology, the psychology, the history, the triggers — and the knowing of the causes is the thing that makes the anger understandable, and the understandable is the thing that makes the anger less mysterious, and the less-mysterious is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more manageable. You cannot manage what you do not understand, and the understanding is the thing the causes chapter is for.

The effects are what the anger does — to you, to your relationships, to your health, to your life — and the knowing of the effects is the thing that makes the anger's cost visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the change motivating, and the motivating is the thing that makes the work worth doing. You will not change what you do not believe is costing you, and the believing is the thing the effects chapter is for.

The Six Chapters, Named

The book is built around six chapters, and the six, together, are the work.

The first chapter — this one — is the what and the why. It is about what anger is and why understanding it matters, and the understanding is the foundation the rest of the book stands on.

The second chapter is the symptoms. It is about how anger shows up in the body, the mind, and the behavior, and the knowing of the symptoms is the thing that makes the anger recognizable.

The third chapter is the causes. It is about where anger comes from — the biology, the psychology, the history, the triggers — and the knowing of the causes is the thing that makes the anger understandable.

The fourth chapter is the effects. It is about what anger does to you, your relationships, your health, and your life, and the knowing of the effects is the thing that makes the change motivating.

The fifth chapter is the assessment. It is about knowing your anger — the personal, specific pattern of your own anger — and the knowing is the thing that makes the management possible, because the management that is not personal is the management that does not work.

The sixth chapter is the management. It is about what to do about the anger — the skills, the practices, the changes — and the management, done, is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the problem but the signal.

A Word on the Word "Understanding"

The book uses the word "understanding" often, and the word matters. The understanding this book is about is not the intellectual knowing. It is the lived, felt, personal knowing — the knowing that comes from seeing your own anger clearly, and the seeing is the thing that makes the anger real, and the real is the thing that makes the anger addressable. The understanding is not the end. The understanding is the beginning, and the beginning is the thing that makes the change possible, and the change is the thing the whole book is for. Begin.

Anger does not show up in one way. It shows up in many, and the many are the things that make the anger recognizable, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the anger nameable, and the nameable is the thing that makes the anger workable. This chapter is about the symptoms — the body, the mind, the behavior — and the knowing of the symptoms is the thing that makes the anger visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger addressable.

The Body Symptoms

The first way anger shows up is the body, and the body is the thing that makes the anger physical, and the physical is the thing that makes the anger real, and the real is the thing that makes the anger undeniable. The body symptoms are the things that the nervous system produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the anger a body event as well as a mind event.

The heat is the first body symptom. The anger is felt as a warmth — a flushing, a rising of the temperature, a heat that begins in the chest and rises to the face, and the rising is the thing that makes the anger visible to others, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger communicable, even when the words are not there. The heat is the body's way of saying that the anger is present, and the saying is the thing that the body does, and the doing is the thing that the mind can learn to read.

The tightness is the second body symptom. The anger is felt as a tension — a clenching of the jaw, a tightening of the fists, a bracing of the shoulders, a hardening of the belly. The tightness is the body's way of preparing for the fight, and the preparing is the ancient response, and the ancient is the thing that makes the tightness feel like it is happening to you rather than being done by you. The tightness is the body's signal, and the signal, read, is the thing that makes the anger recognizable, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the anger nameable.

The acceleration is the third body symptom. The anger is felt as a speeding-up — the heart rate rising, the breathing quickening, the blood pressure climbing, the body flooding with adrenaline and cortisol. The acceleration is the body's way of mobilizing for the threat, and the mobilizing is the thing that makes the anger feel urgent, and the urgent is the thing that makes the anger feel like it must be acted on now, and the must-be-acted-on-now is the feeling that the skills, in chapter six, are aimed at interrupting.

The narrowing is the fourth body symptom. The anger is felt as a tunnel-vision — the peripheral vision narrowing, the focus sharpening on the perceived threat, the rest of the world falling away. The narrowing is the body's way of prioritizing the threat, and the prioritizing is the thing that makes the anger feel all-consuming, and the all-consuming is the thing that makes the anger feel like the only thing that matters, and the only-thing-that-matters is the feeling that makes the anger dangerous, because the narrowing is the thing that makes the consequences invisible, and the invisible consequences are the things that the anger does not let you see.

The Mind Symptoms

The second way anger shows up is the mind, and the mind is the thing that makes the anger mental, and the mental is the thing that makes the anger a thought event as well as a body event. The mind symptoms are the things that the thinking produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the anger a cognitive event.

The racing is the first mind symptom. The anger is felt as a speeding-up of the thoughts — the mind racing, the thoughts tumbling, the narrative forming, the case building. The racing is the mind's way of processing the threat, and the processing is the thing that makes the anger feel justified, and the justified is the thing that makes the anger feel right, and the right is the feeling that makes the anger hard to question, and the hard-to-question is the thing that makes the anger dangerous, because the questioning is the thing that the management requires, and the requiring is the thing that the racing prevents.

The blaming is the second mind symptom. The anger is felt as a directing — the fault located, the cause named, the responsibility assigned. The blaming is the mind's way of making the anger make sense, and the making-sense is the thing that makes the anger feel reasonable, and the reasonable is the thing that makes the anger feel earned, and the earned is the feeling that makes the anger hard to release, and the hard-to-release is the thing that makes the anger last, and the lasting is the thing that makes the anger do its damage.

The black-and-white is the third mind symptom. The anger is felt as a simplifying — the complexity collapsing, the nuance disappearing, the world dividing into the right and the wrong, the good and the bad, the with-me and the against-me. The black-and-white is the mind's way of making the anger actionable, and the actionable is the thing that makes the anger feel clear, and the clear is the thing that makes the anger feel certain, and the certain is the feeling that makes the anger impulsive, and the impulsive is the thing that makes the anger destructive.

The rumination is the fourth mind symptom. The anger is felt as a repeating — the event replaying, the conversation rehashing, the anger re-experiencing, long after the event has passed. The rumination is the mind's way of keeping the anger alive, and the keeping-alive is the thing that makes the anger chronic, and the chronic is the thing that makes the anger corrosive, and the corrosive is the thing that makes the anger do its long-term damage, and the long-term damage is the thing that the effects chapter is about.

The Behavior Symptoms

The third way anger shows up is the behavior, and the behavior is the thing that makes the anger visible to others, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger impactful, and the impactful is the thing that makes the anger the thing that does the damage. The behavior symptoms are the things that the body and the mind produce, and the producing is the thing that makes the anger an action event.

The verbal is the first behavior symptom. The anger is expressed as the words — the shouting, the name-calling, the criticizing, the sarcasm, the blaming, the threatening. The verbal is the most common expression of anger, and the most common is the thing that makes the verbal the most damaging, because the words, once said, cannot be unsaid, and the not-unsaid is the thing that makes the verbal the anger that leaves the marks that the apologies cannot fully erase.

The physical is the second behavior symptom. The anger is expressed as the body — the slamming, the throwing, the breaking, the hitting, the pushing. The physical is the most visible expression of anger, and the most visible is the thing that makes the physical the most recognizable as anger, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the physical the anger that gets the attention, and the attention is the thing that makes the physical the anger that gets addressed, and the addressed is the thing that the other forms of anger do not always get.

The withdrawal is the third behavior symptom. The anger is expressed as the absence — the silence, the coldness, the stonewalling, the leaving, the not-speaking. The withdrawal is the least visible expression of anger, and the least visible is the thing that makes the withdrawal the most insidious, because the withdrawal, not recognized as anger, is the withdrawal that is not addressed, and the not-addressed is the thing that makes the withdrawal do its damage in the dark, and the in-the-dark is the thing that makes the withdrawal the anger that erodes the relationship without anyone naming the anger as the cause.

The passive is the fourth behavior symptom. The anger is expressed as the indirect — the procrastination, the "forgetting," the "accidental" sabotage, the sarcasm that is "just a joke," the compliance that is actually resistance. The passive is the most disguised expression of anger, and the most disguised is the thing that makes the passive the hardest to recognize, and the hardest-to-recognize is the thing that makes the passive the hardest to address, and the hardest-to-address is the thing that makes the passive the anger that does its damage over the longest time.

The Symptoms as the Map

The symptoms are the map of the anger, and the map, read, is the thing that makes the anger recognizable, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the anger nameable, and the nameable is the thing that makes the anger workable. The knowing of your symptoms — the specific ways your body, your mind, and your behavior show the anger — is the thing that makes the anger personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the management possible, because the management that is not personal is the management that does not work. The next chapter is the causes — where the anger comes from — and the knowing of the causes is the thing that makes the anger understandable, and the understandable is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more manageable.

Anger does not come from nowhere. It comes from somewhere, and the somewhere is the thing that the causes are about, and the knowing of the causes is the thing that makes the anger understandable, and the understandable is the thing that makes the anger less mysterious, and the less-mysterious is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more manageable. This chapter is about the causes — the biology, the psychology, the history, the triggers — and the knowing of the causes is the thing that makes the anger addressable at its root.

The Biological Causes

The first cause is the biology, and the biology is the thing that makes the anger a body event, and the body event is the thing that makes the anger partly not your choice, and the not-your-choice is the thing that makes the biology the first cause to understand. The biology of anger is the amygdala — the small, ancient part of the brain that scans for threat — and the amygdala, when it perceives a threat, fires, and the firing triggers the sympathetic nervous system, and the nervous system floods the body with adrenaline and cortisol, and the flooding is the thing you feel as the anger.

The biology is not your fault. You did not design your amygdala. You did not choose its sensitivity. You did not select its threshold. The biology is the thing you inherited, and the inherited is the thing that makes the biology given, and the given is the thing that makes the biology not your fault. But the biology is your responsibility, and the responsibility is the thing that makes the biology addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the skills, in chapter six, worth learning, and the skills, learned, are the thing that makes the biology manageable, even though the biology is not your fault.

The biology is also shaped by the state of the body, and the state is the thing that makes the biology variable, and the variable is the thing that makes the anger more or less available on different days. The tired body is the body that is more anger-available, and the tired is the thing that makes the sleep a factor, and the factor is the thing that makes the sleep a cause. The hungry body is the body that is more anger-available, and the hungry is the thing that makes the food a factor. The stressed body is the body that is more anger-available, and the stressed is the thing that makes the stress a factor. The intoxicated body is the body that is more anger-available, and the intoxicated is the thing that makes the alcohol a factor. The factors are the things that the biology includes, and the including is the thing that makes the biology more than just the amygdala.

The Psychological Causes

The second cause is the psychology, and the psychology is the thing that makes the anger a mind event, and the mind event is the thing that makes the anger partly about the meaning, and the meaning is the thing that the psychology is about. The psychology of anger is the interpretation — the meaning the mind makes of the event — and the interpretation is the thing that determines whether the amygdala fires or not, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger.

The same event — the partner forgetting, the colleague criticizing, the child disobeying — can be interpreted as a threat or as a non-threat, and the interpretation is the thing that makes the difference, and the difference is the thing that the psychology governs. The person who interprets the forgetting as "they do not care about me" is the person whose amygdala fires, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger. The person who interprets the forgetting as "they are busy and forgot" is the person whose amygdala does not fire, and the not-firing is the thing that does not produce the anger. The event is the same. The interpretation is different. The anger is different. The interpretation is the cause, and the cause is the thing the psychology is about.

The interpretation is shaped by the beliefs, and the beliefs are the things the mind holds about the self, the world, and the worth, and the holding is the thing that makes the beliefs the lens, and the lens is the thing that makes the beliefs the cause of the interpretation. The person who believes "I am not enough" is the person who interprets the criticism as a confirmation of the not-enough, and the confirmation is the thing that makes the criticism a threat, and the threat is the thing that produces the anger. The person who believes "I am enough" is the person who interprets the criticism as feedback, and the feedback is the thing that does not make the criticism a threat, and the not-a-threat is the thing that does not produce the anger. The belief is the cause of the interpretation, and the interpretation is the cause of the anger, and the belief is the thing the psychology is about.

The Historical Causes

The third cause is the history, and the history is the thing that makes the anger a learned event, and the learned event is the thing that makes the anger partly inherited from the past, and the inherited-from-the-past is the thing that makes the history a cause. The history of anger is the family — the family you grew up in — and the family was the first classroom, and the classroom taught you what anger is, what it is for, how it is shown, what it does.

The person who grew up in a home where anger was expressed by shouting learned that shouting is how anger is shown, and the learning is the thing that makes the shouting the default, and the default is the thing that makes the shouting the cause of the way the anger is expressed now. The person who grew up in a home where anger was expressed by silence learned that silence is how anger is shown, and the learning is the thing that makes the silence the default. The person who grew up in a home where anger was not expressed at all learned that anger is not to be shown, and the not-to-be-shown is the thing that makes the suppression the default, and the suppression is the thing that makes the anger come back worse.

The history is not your fault. You did not choose your family. You did not choose the classroom. You did not choose the curriculum. The history is the thing that was given to you, and the given is the thing that makes the history not your fault. But the history is your responsibility, and the responsibility is the thing that makes the history addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the relearning possible, and the relearning is the work, and the work is the thing that the skills, in chapter six, are for.

The Trigger Causes

The fourth cause is the triggers, and the triggers are the things that light the fuse, and the lighting is the thing that makes the triggers the immediate cause, and the immediate is the thing that makes the triggers the most recognizable cause. The triggers are the external events — the things that happen — that the interpretation reads as threats, and the reading is the thing that makes the triggers the cause of the firing, and the firing is the thing that makes the triggers the cause of the anger.

The common triggers are the feeling of being disrespected, the feeling of being ignored, the feeling of being controlled, the feeling of being inadequate, and the feelings are the things that the interpretation produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the feelings the link between the trigger and the anger. The trigger is the event. The feeling is the interpretation. The anger is the response. The three are the chain, and the chain is the thing that the understanding of the causes makes visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the chain interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the anger manageable.

The Causes as the Root

The causes are the root of the anger, and the root, understood, is the thing that makes the anger addressable at its source, and the addressing-at-the-source is the thing that makes the change lasting, and the lasting is the thing that makes the change worth doing. The causes are not excuses. They are explanations, and the explanations are the things that make the anger understandable, and the understandable is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more manageable. The next chapter is the effects — what the anger does — and the knowing of the effects is the thing that makes the change motivating, and the motivating is the thing that makes the work worth doing.

Anger does not happen in a vacuum. It happens in a life, and the life is the thing that the anger affects, and the affecting is the thing that makes the anger costly, and the costly is the thing that makes the change worth doing. This chapter is about the effects — what anger does to you, your relationships, your health, and your life — and the knowing of the effects is the thing that makes the anger's cost visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the change motivating.

The Effects on You

The first effect is on you, and the you is the thing that the anger lives in, and the living-in is the thing that makes the anger a daily experience, and the daily is the thing that makes the anger corrosive, and the corrosive is the thing that makes the anger do its damage to the person who has it, not just the people who receive it.

The chronic anger is the thing that makes the body sick, and the sick is the thing that the biology of anger produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the anger a health risk. The chronic flooding of the body with adrenaline and cortisol is the thing that makes the blood pressure high, and the high is the thing that makes the heart at risk, and the risk is the thing that makes the anger a cardiovascular factor. The chronic tension is the thing that makes the muscles tight, and the tight is the thing that makes the headaches and the backaches and the jaw pain. The chronic stress is the thing that makes the immune system suppressed, and the suppressed is the thing that makes the illnesses more frequent. The body, living in the anger, is the body that pays the price, and the price is the thing that the effects make visible.

The chronic anger is the thing that makes the mind sick, and the sick is the thing that the psychology of anger produces. The chronic rumination is the thing that makes the mind stuck, and the stuck is the thing that makes the depression more likely, and the depression is the thing that the chronic anger often coexists with, and the coexisting is the thing that makes the two feed each other, and the feeding is the thing that makes both worse. The chronic blame is the thing that makes the mind bitter, and the bitter is the thing that makes the life feel hostile, and the hostile is the thing that makes the person feel like the world is against them, and the against is the thing that makes the anger feel justified, and the justified is the thing that makes the anger continue.

The chronic anger is the thing that makes the spirit sick, and the sick is the thing that the life of anger produces. The chronic anger is the thing that makes the person feel like they are not in control, and the not-in-control is the thing that makes the person feel powerless, and the powerless is the thing that makes the person feel ashamed, and the ashamed is the thing that makes the person hide the anger, and the hiding is the thing that makes the anger worse, and the worse is the thing that makes the shame worse, and the cycle is the thing that the effects make visible.

The Effects on Your Relationships

The second effect is on your relationships, and the relationships are the things that the anger touches, and the touching is the thing that makes the anger a relational event, and the relational is the thing that makes the anger impactful beyond the person who has it.

The anger is the thing that makes the partner afraid, and the afraid is the thing that makes the partner walk on eggshells, and the eggshells are the thing that makes the partner smaller, and the smaller is the thing that makes the partner less themselves, and the less-themselves is the thing that makes the relationship less alive, and the less-alive is the thing that makes the relationship erode, and the erode is the thing that the anger does to the relationship over time. The partner who is afraid is the partner who is not free, and the not-free is the thing that makes the relationship not the thing it was meant to be, and the not-what-it-was-meant-to-be is the cost of the anger on the partner.

The anger is the thing that makes the children anxious, and the anxious is the thing that makes the children hyper-vigilant, and the hyper-vigilant is the thing that makes the children learn to read the mood, and the reading-the-mood is the thing that makes the children organize their lives around the avoiding of the anger, and the organizing is the thing that makes the children less free, and the less-free is the thing that makes the children less developed, and the less-developed is the thing that the anger does to the children, and the doing is the thing that the children carry into their adulthood, and the carrying is the thing that makes the anger's effects generational.

The anger is the thing that makes the friends distant, and the distant is the thing that makes the friendships thin, and the thin is the thing that makes the support less available, and the less-available is the thing that makes the anger harder to manage, because the support is the thing that the management requires, and the requiring is the thing that the distance prevents, and the preventing is the thing that makes the anger and the isolation feed each other, and the feeding is the thing that makes both worse.

The Effects on Your Health

The third effect is on your health, and the health is the thing that the anger lives in, and the living-in is the thing that makes the anger a physical event, and the physical is the thing that makes the anger a medical factor, and the medical is the thing that makes the anger a thing that the doctor sees, and the seeing is the thing that makes the anger a thing that the treatment addresses, and the addressing is the thing that makes the health a reason to change.

The anger is the thing that makes the heart work harder, and the harder is the thing that makes the heart at risk, and the risk is the thing that makes the anger a cardiovascular factor, and the factor is the thing that the studies have confirmed, and the confirmed is the thing that makes the anger a medical risk, not just an emotional one. The anger is the thing that makes the blood pressure high, and the high is the thing that makes the stroke and the heart attack more likely. The anger is the thing that makes the immune system suppressed, and the suppressed is the thing that makes the illnesses more frequent and the healing slower. The anger is the thing that makes the sleep poor, and the poor is the thing that makes the body less restored, and the less-restored is the thing that makes the anger more available, and the cycle is the thing that the effects make visible.

The Effects on Your Life

The fourth effect is on your life, and the life is the thing that the anger shapes, and the shaping is the thing that makes the anger a life event, and the life event is the thing that makes the anger a thing that the whole life is affected by, and the affected is the thing that makes the anger a thing that the whole life must address.

The anger is the thing that makes the career harder, and the harder is the thing that makes the advancement slower, and the slower is the thing that makes the income lower, and the lower is the thing that makes the life more stressful, and the more-stressful is the thing that makes the anger more available, and the cycle is the thing that the effects make visible. The anger is the thing that makes the reputation damaged, and the damaged is the thing that makes the opportunities fewer, and the fewer is the thing that makes the life smaller, and the smaller is the thing that makes the anger feel justified, and the justified is the thing that makes the anger continue.

The anger is the thing that makes the joy less, and the less is the thing that makes the life feel like it is all struggle, and the all-struggle is the thing that makes the person feel like the anger is all there is, and the all-there-is is the thing that makes the anger feel like the identity, and the identity is the thing that makes the anger feel unchangeable, and the unchangeable is the feeling, not the fact, and the fact is that the anger is changeable, and the changeable is the thing that the next chapters are about.

The Effects as the Motivation

The effects are the motivation, and the motivation is the thing that makes the change worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the work possible, and the possible is the thing that the effects make visible. The anger is not free. It costs you your body, your mind, your relationships, your health, and your life, and the costing is the thing that makes the change necessary, and the necessary is the thing that makes the work urgent, and the urgent is the thing that the next chapter — the assessment — is about, and the about is the thing that makes the management personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the management work.

The management that is not personal is the management that does not work, and the not-working is the thing that makes the assessment necessary, and the necessary is the thing that this chapter is about. This chapter is about the assessment — the knowing of your anger, the personal, specific pattern of your own anger — and the knowing is the thing that makes the management possible, because you cannot manage what you do not know, and the knowing is the thing the assessment provides.

What the Assessment Is

The assessment is the personal, honest, specific look at your own anger, and the looking is the thing that makes the anger known, and the known is the thing that makes the anger manageable. The assessment is not a diagnosis. It is not a label. It is not a judgment. It is a seeing, and the seeing is the thing that makes the anger real, and the real is the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible.

The assessment is done by you, for you, and the you is the thing that makes the assessment honest, and the honest is the thing that makes the assessment useful, and the useful is the thing that makes the assessment the foundation of the management. The assessment that is done for someone else — for the partner, for the court, for the boss — is the assessment that is not honest, and the not-honest is the thing that makes the assessment not useful, and the not-useful is the thing that makes the assessment not the foundation of anything. The assessment is for you, and the for-you is the thing that makes it work.

The Assessment of the Symptoms

The first part of the assessment is the symptoms, and the symptoms are the things that the assessment makes personal. The questions are: what are your body symptoms? Where do you feel the anger in your body? Is it the heat, the tightness, the acceleration, the narrowing? What are your mind symptoms? Is it the racing, the blaming, the black-and-white, the rumination? What are your behavior symptoms? Is it the verbal, the physical, the withdrawal, the passive?

The answering is the thing that makes the symptoms personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the symptoms recognizable, and the recognizable is the thing that makes the symptoms the early-warning system, and the early-warning is the thing that makes the management possible, because the management that begins before the anger is full is the management that works, and the before-the-anger-is-full is the thing that the symptoms, known, make possible.

The Assessment of the Causes

The second part of the assessment is the causes, and the causes are the things that the assessment makes personal. The questions are: what is your biology? Are you more anger-available when tired, hungry, stressed, intoxicated? What are your beliefs? What do you believe about yourself, about others, about the world, that makes the interpretations that make the anger? What is your history? What did your family teach you about anger? What are your triggers? What are the specific events that light your fuse?

The answering is the thing that makes the causes personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the causes addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change lasting, because the change that addresses the root is the change that lasts, and the root is the thing that the causes, known, make visible.

The Assessment of the Effects

The third part of the assessment is the effects, and the effects are the things that the assessment makes personal. The questions are: what is the anger doing to your body? What is it doing to your mind? What is it doing to your relationships? What is it doing to your health? What is it doing to your life? The answering is the thing that makes the effects personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the effects motivating, and the motivating is the thing that makes the work worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the work sustainable, and the sustainable is the thing that makes the change last.

The Assessment of the Pattern

The fourth part of the assessment is the pattern, and the pattern is the thing that the assessment makes visible. The questions are: how often does the anger happen? How intense is it? How long does it last? What is the cycle — the buildup, the explosion, the aftermath, the repair? What is the escalation — has it gotten worse over time? The answering is the thing that makes the pattern visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the pattern interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the pattern changeable, and the changeable is the thing that the management, in the next chapter, is for.

The Assessment as the Honest Mirror

The assessment is the honest mirror, and the mirror is the thing that shows you the anger as it is, not as you wish it were, and the as-it-is is the thing that makes the assessment hard, and the hard is the thing that makes the assessment avoidable, and the avoidable is the thing that makes the assessment necessary, because the avoiding is the thing that keeps the anger hidden, and the hidden is the thing that makes the anger unmanageable, and the unmanageable is the thing that the assessment addresses.

The honest mirror is the thing that the assessment provides, and the providing is the thing that makes the assessment the beginning of the change, and the beginning is the thing that makes the assessment worth doing, and the worth-doing is the thing that makes the assessment the work, and the work is the thing that the next chapter — the management — is built on, and the built-on is the thing that makes the management personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the management work.

The Assessment as the Foundation

The assessment is the foundation the management stands on, and the foundation, laid, is the thing that makes the management possible, and the possible is the thing that makes the change real, and the real is the thing that makes the change lasting. The assessment is not the end. It is the beginning, and the beginning is the thing that makes the rest of the work possible, and the possible is the thing that the next chapter is about, and the about is the thing that makes the management the thing that changes the anger from a force to a feeling, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the problem but the signal, and the signal is the thing that the management, done, lets you hear.

The management is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the problem but the signal, and the signal is the thing that the management, done, lets you hear. This chapter is about the management — the skills, the practices, the changes — and the management, done, is the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible.

The Skills

The skills are the in-the-moment practices that control the anger before it controls you, and the skills, practiced, are the thing that makes the anger manageable. The skills are not complicated, but they require the practice, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the skills available in the moment, and the available is the thing that makes the anger controllable.

The pause is the first skill. The pause is the thing that happens in the window — the fraction of a second between the amygdala's firing and the body's flooding — and the window, used, is the thing that makes the anger controllable. The pause is the deliberate stopping — the choice, in the moment the anger begins to rise, to not act on the anger yet, and the not-acting-yet is the thing that makes the anger wait, and the waiting is the thing that makes the anger addressable.

The breath is the second skill. The breath is the thing that calms the body, and the calming is the thing that reduces the flooding, and the reduced flooding is the thing that makes the thinking available, and the thinking is the thing that makes the choosing possible. The breath is the bridge between the body and the mind, and the bridge, used, is the thing that makes the anger less intense, and the less-intense is the thing that makes the anger more workable.

The naming is the third skill. The naming is the thing that makes the anger visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger addressable. The naming is the saying, to yourself or to the other, "I am angry," and the saying is the thing that makes the anger a thing you have rather than a thing you are, and the having rather than the being is the thing that makes the anger workable.

The choosing is the fourth skill. The choosing is the thing that happens after the pause, the breath, and the naming, and the choosing is the decision — the decision of how to express the anger, and the decision is the thing that makes the anger controllable. The choosing is between the expressions — the shouting or the naming, the withdrawing or the asking, the exploding or the walking — and the choosing is the thing that determines whether the anger is anger or abuse, and the determining is the thing that the skill is for.

The expressing is the fifth skill. The expressing is the thing that happens after the choosing, and the expressing is the communication of the anger, and the communication is the thing that makes the anger do its job, and the job is the signaling of the mattering. The expressing has a form: "I felt angry when you did X, because I made it mean Y, and what I need is Z." The form is the thing that makes the expressing clear, and the clear is the thing that makes the expressing receivable, and the receivable is the thing that makes the expressing work.

The Practices

The practices are the ongoing, daily, between-the-moments things that make the anger less available, and the practices, done consistently, are the thing that makes the anger less frequent, and the less-frequent is the thing that makes the anger less destructive. The practices are the things that address the causes, and the addressing is the thing that makes the change lasting.

The sleep is the first practice. The sleep is the thing that makes the body rested, and the rested is the thing that makes the anger less available, and the less-available is the thing that makes the anger less frequent. The sleep, prioritized, is the thing that makes the anger manageable, and the manageable is the thing that the sleep provides.

The exercise is the second practice. The exercise is the thing that makes the body discharged, and the discharged is the thing that makes the anger less available, and the less-available is the thing that makes the anger less frequent. The exercise, done regularly, is the thing that makes the anger manageable, and the manageable is the thing that the exercise provides.

The stress management is the third practice. The stress is the thing that makes the anger more available, and the more-available is the thing that makes the anger more frequent, and the more-frequent is the thing that makes the anger more destructive. The stress management — the meditation, the walking, the journaling, the therapy — is the thing that makes the stress less, and the less is the thing that makes the anger less available, and the less-available is the thing that makes the anger less frequent.

The belief work is the fourth practice. The beliefs are the things that make the interpretations, and the interpretations are the things that make the anger. The belief work — the questioning of the beliefs, the challenging of the interpretations, the relearning of the meanings — is the thing that makes the interpretations different, and the different is the thing that makes the anger different, and the different is the thing that makes the anger less frequent and less intense.

The Changes

The changes are the bigger, life-level things that make the anger less necessary, and the changes, made, are the thing that makes the anger less a part of the life, and the less-a-part-of-the-life is the thing that makes the anger less the default. The changes are the things that address the life that the anger lives in, and the addressing is the thing that makes the change transformative.

The relationship change is the first change. The relationship that produces the anger is the relationship that must be addressed, and the addressing is the thing that makes the anger less frequent. The relationship change — the communication, the boundaries, the counseling, the ending — is the thing that makes the relationship less anger-producing, and the less-anger-producing is the thing that makes the anger less frequent.

The work change is the second change. The work that produces the anger is the work that must be addressed, and the addressing is the thing that makes the anger less frequent. The work change — the setting of the boundaries, the changing of the role, the leaving of the job — is the thing that makes the work less anger-producing, and the less-anger-producing is the thing that makes the anger less frequent.

The help is the third change. The help is the thing that the anger often requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the help not a weakness but a strength, and the strength is the thing that makes the help worth seeking. The help — the therapy, the counseling, the group, the program — is the thing that makes the anger addressable with support, and the support is the thing that makes the change possible, and the possible is the thing that the help provides.

The Management as the Lifelong Practice

The management is not a one-time work. It is a lifelong practice, and the practice, done, is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the problem but the signal, and the signal is the thing that the management, done, lets you hear. The management will fail, and the failing is not the failure of the management but the evidence that the management needs more practice, and the more-practice is the thing that makes the management stronger, and the stronger is the thing that makes the management available the next time, and the next time is the thing that the practice is for.

A Final Word

Anger has symptoms, causes, and effects, and the three, understood, are the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible. The symptoms make the anger recognizable. The causes make the anger understandable. The effects make the change motivating. The assessment makes the management personal. The management makes the anger a feeling rather than a force. The five, together, are the work, and the work, done, is the thing that gives you the anger that is not the problem but the signal, and the signal, heard, is the thing that makes the life better, and the better is the thing the whole book is for.

You did not choose the biology, the history, or the beliefs that make the anger what it is. You can choose, in the moment you begin the practice, to do the work the management requires. The skills are here. The practices are here. The changes are here. The work is clear. The anger, managed, is the anger that is not the force but the feeling, and the feeling, heard, is the thing that makes the life the life you wanted, and the wanting, honored, is the thing the whole book is for, and the book is now yours, and the practicing, done, is the thing that makes it so.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C