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A Clinical Guide to the Line and the Crossing
How to Control Anger and Frustration in a Relationship
Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
A note before you begin
This guide is a practical and clinical companion for understanding and controlling anger in relationships. It is not a substitute for professional clinical care, and nothing in it is a diagnosis. If you are in a relationship where anger has become violence, or you are afraid for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7).
Contents
About This Guide
A clinically grounded, practical guide to the line between anger and emotional abuse — and how to control anger and frustration in a relationship before it crosses that line. Dr. Lubega draws on over 15 years of clinical practice to help you understand the anatomy of anger, recognize the pattern of abuse, map your triggers, learn the in-the-moment skills of control, and repair the damage when anger has done its harm.
Introduction
Anger is a feeling. Emotional abuse is a pattern. The two are not the same, and the confusion between them — the belief that anger and abuse are the same thing — has done real harm, because it has made people who are simply angry believe they are abusive, and it has made people who are actually abusive believe they are only angry. This book is about the line between the two, and the crossing of it, and what to do once you realize you have crossed it, or are about to.
The line is this: anger is a feeling that comes and goes, that belongs to the person feeling it, and that can be expressed without harming the other person. Emotional abuse is the use of anger — or the threat of anger, or the withdrawal that follows anger — to control the other person. The feeling is not the abuse. The use of the feeling, to control, is the abuse. The person who is angry and says so is not being abusive. The person who is angry and uses the anger to make the other person smaller, quieter, more compliant, more afraid — that person is being abusive, whether they know it or not, and the knowing or not-knowing is one of the things this book is about.
This is a book written from fifteen years of clinical practice, much of it with people who came in describing their relationships as "difficult" or "volatile" or "passionate," and who, in the work, turned out to be in relationships that were not difficult or volatile or passionate but abusive, and the abuse was the anger, and the anger was the abuse, and the two had become so tangled that neither partner could tell where one ended and the other began. The untangling is the work, and the work is what this book is for.
It is for the person who has been told their anger is a problem, and who wants to understand whether the telling was fair. It is for the person who has felt the anger rise and watched it do damage, and who wants to stop the damage without pretending the anger does not exist. It is for the person on the receiving end of a partner's anger, who has begun to wonder whether what they are experiencing is anger or abuse, and who needs a way to tell. It is for the person who loves someone who is angry, and who wants to help without being destroyed. It is for the clinician who works with couples and individuals caught in the anger-abuse tangle, and who needs a framework that is clear enough to teach and practical enough to use.
This book is not an excuse for anger. It does not minimize the damage anger does when it becomes abuse. It does not suggest that the person who is angry is not responsible for the anger, or for what the anger does. The responsibility is real, and the responsibility is the thing that makes the change possible, and the change is the thing this book is for.
This book is also not a substitute for the clinical care that some situations require. If the anger has become violence — physical, sexual, or the kind of emotional violence that makes the other person afraid for their safety — the practices in this book are not enough, and the not-enough is because the situation is beyond what a book can address, and the beyond requires professional help, and sometimes requires the ending of the relationship, and the ending, in those cases, is not a failure but a safety measure. If you are afraid of your partner, or your partner is afraid of you, the first call is not to this book but to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. Get safe first. The chapters will be here when you are.
The book is built around six chapters, and the six, together, are the work.
The first chapter — this one — is the line and the crossing. It is about what anger is, what abuse is, and how the one becomes the other, and the understanding is the thing that makes the rest of the book usable, because you cannot address a problem you cannot name.
The second chapter is the anatomy of anger. It is about what anger is made of — the biology, the psychology, the history — and the understanding of the anatomy is the thing that makes the anger less mysterious, and the less-mysterious is the thing that makes the anger more manageable.
The third chapter is the pattern. It is about how anger, repeated and unmanaged, becomes the pattern that is abuse — the cycle, the escalation, the aftermath, the repair that is not a repair — and the seeing of the pattern is the thing that makes the pattern interruptible.
The fourth chapter is the triggers. It is about what lights the fuse — the external events and the internal meanings — and the knowing of the triggers is the thing that makes the anger predictable, and the predictable is the thing that makes the anger preparable-for, and the preparable-for is the thing that makes the anger controllable.
The fifth chapter is the skills. It is about the practical, daily, in-the-moment skills that control the anger before it controls you — the pause, the breath, the naming, the choosing, the expressing — and the skills, practiced, are the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force.
The sixth chapter is the repair. It is about what to do after the anger has done its damage — the apology that is real, the change that is demonstrated, the rebuilding of the trust that the anger eroded — and the repair, done, is the thing that makes the relationship survivable, and the survivable is the thing that makes the work worth doing.
The title uses the word "control," and the word matters. The control this book is about is not the suppression of anger. The suppression — the pushing-down, the pretending-it-is-not-there, the swallowing — is not control. It is delay, and the delay is the thing that makes the anger come back worse, and the worse is the thing that makes the suppression fail, and the failing is the thing that makes the person who suppressed believe they cannot control the anger, and the belief is wrong. The control is not the suppression. The control is the skill — the learned, practiced, in-the-moment skill of feeling the anger fully and expressing it without harming the other person, and the skill is the thing this book teaches, and the teaching is the thing the chapters are for. Begin.
Chapter 02
Anger is not one thing. It is a compound, and the compound is made of parts, and the parts, understood, are the things that make the anger addressable, because you cannot address what you cannot see, and the seeing of the parts is the thing that makes the anger visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger workable.
The first part is the biology. Anger is, in part, a body event. The amygdala — the small, ancient part of the brain that scans for threat — fires, and the firing triggers the sympathetic nervous system, and the nervous system floods the body with adrenaline and cortisol, and the flooding is the thing you feel as the heat, the tightness, the acceleration of the heart, the clenching of the jaw, the narrowing of the vision. The body, in anger, is preparing for a fight, and the preparation is ancient, and the ancient is the thing that makes the anger feel like it is happening to you rather than being done by you, and the happening-to-you is the thing that makes the anger feel uncontrollable, and the uncontrollable is the feeling, not the fact.
The fact is that the biological response, while fast, is not instantaneous. There is a window — a fraction of a second, between the amygdala's firing and the body's flooding — and the window is the thing that the skills, in chapter five, are aimed at, and the window, used, is the thing that makes the anger controllable, and the controllable is the thing that makes the biology not your master but your instrument. The biology is real. The biology is not your fault. The biology is your responsibility, and the responsibility is the thing that makes the skills worth learning, and the skills, learned, are the thing that makes the biology manageable.
The second part is the psychology. Anger is, in part, a meaning event. The amygdala fires in response to a threat, but the threat is not the event itself — it is the interpretation of the event, and the interpretation is the thing the mind does, and the mind's doing is the thing that determines whether the amygdala fires or not. The same event — the partner forgetting the appointment, the partner saying the thing, the partner doing or not doing the thing — can be interpreted as a threat or as a non-threat, and the interpretation is the thing that makes the anger happen or not happen, and the happening is the thing that the psychology governs.
The interpretation is shaped by the history. The person who, early in life, learned that being forgotten meant being unloved, interprets the forgotten appointment as a threat to the being-loved, and the threat is the thing that fires the amygdala, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger, and the anger is the thing that, expressed, is the thing that does the damage. The person who did not learn that meaning does not interpret the forgotten appointment as a threat, does not fire the amygdala, does not produce the anger, does not do the damage. The event is the same. The meaning is different. The anger is different. The meaning is the thing that makes the difference, and the meaning is the thing that the psychology is about, and the psychology is the thing that the work addresses.
The third part is the history. Anger is, in part, a learned event. The way you do anger — the triggers, the intensity, the expression, the aftermath — was learned, and the learning began early, in the family you grew up in, and the family was the first classroom, and the classroom taught you what anger is, what it is for, how it is shown, what it does, and the teaching, whether you agreed with it or not, became the default, and the default is the thing you do when you are not thinking, and the not-thinking is the thing that makes the anger feel like it is just who you are, and the just-who-you-are is the feeling, not the fact.
The fact is that the anger was learned, and the learned is the thing that makes the anger changeable, because what was learned can be relearned, and the relearning is the work, and the work is the thing that the skills, in chapter five, are for. The person who grew up in a home where anger was expressed by shouting learned that shouting is how anger is shown. The person who grew up in a home where anger was expressed by silence learned that silence is how anger is shown. The person who grew up in a home where anger was not expressed at all learned that anger is not to be shown, and the not-showing is the suppression, and the suppression, as we have seen, is not control but delay. The learning is the default. The default is not the destiny. The destiny is the thing the relearning produces, and the relearning is the thing the book is for.
The fourth part is the function. Anger is, in part, a signal. The anger is the body and the mind saying that something matters, that a boundary has been crossed or a need has been unmet or a value has been violated, and the saying is the signal, and the signal is the thing that makes the anger useful, and the useful is the thing that makes the anger not the enemy but the messenger. The person who treats the anger as the enemy — who suppresses it, who fears it, who is ashamed of it — is the person who does not hear the message, and the not-hearing is the thing that makes the message repeat, and the repeating is the thing that makes the anger escalate, and the escalation is the thing that makes the anger become the abuse.
The person who treats the anger as the messenger — who listens to it, who asks what it is saying, who uses the signal to identify the boundary or the need or the value — is the person who hears the message, and the hearing is the thing that makes the message delivered, and the delivered is the thing that makes the anger subside, and the subsiding is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force. The function of anger is to signal. The signal, heard, is the thing that makes the anger do its job and go home. The signal, unheard, is the thing that makes the anger stay and escalate. The hearing is the skill, and the skill is the thing the book teaches.
The anatomy of anger — the biology, the psychology, the history, the function — is the foundation the rest of the book stands on, because the understanding of the anatomy is the thing that makes the anger less mysterious, and the less-mysterious is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more workable, and the workable is the thing that makes the change possible. The anger is not a mystery. It is a compound, and the compound has parts, and the parts are addressable, and the addressing is the work, and the work begins in the next chapter, with the pattern — how the anger, repeated and unmanaged, becomes the abuse, and the seeing of the pattern is the thing that makes the pattern interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
Chapter 03
Anger, in a moment, is not abuse. Anger, in a pattern, can become abuse, and the becoming is the thing this chapter is about, because the seeing of the pattern is the thing that makes the pattern interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the change possible, and the change is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
The difference is the pattern and the purpose. Anger, as a feeling, is a signal that something matters, and the signal, expressed, is the thing that communicates the mattering, and the communicating is the thing that makes the relationship better, because the mattering, known, is the thing that the partner can respond to. Abuse, as a pattern, is the use of anger — or the threat of anger, or the withdrawal that follows anger — to control the other person, and the control is the thing that makes the relationship worse, because the control, experienced, is the thing that makes the partner smaller, and the smaller is the thing that the abuse is aimed at producing.
The test is this: after the anger, is the partner more themselves or less? If more — more able to speak, to be, to feel, to choose — the anger was anger, and the anger did its job. If less — less able to speak, to be, to feel, to choose — the anger was abuse, or was becoming abuse, and the becoming is the thing that must be addressed. The test is not how the anger felt to you. The test is what the anger did to the partner, and the doing is the thing that determines whether the anger was anger or abuse, and the determining is the thing that makes the work clear.
The pattern of anger-becoming-abuse is a cycle, and the cycle has phases, and the phases, named, are the things that make the cycle visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the cycle interruptible.
The first phase is the buildup. The tension rises — slowly or quickly, over hours or days — and the rising is the thing that the person feels as the irritability, the edginess, the sense that something is wrong, and the something-wrong is the thing that the person attributes to the partner, and the attributing is the thing that makes the partner the cause, and the partner-as-cause is the thing that makes the anger feel justified, and the justified is the thing that makes the buildup continue.
The second phase is the explosion. The tension breaks, and the breaking is the thing that the person experiences as the release, and the release is the shouting, the name-calling, the slamming, the threatening, the withdrawing, the coldness that punishes. The explosion is the thing that the partner experiences as the harm, and the harm is the thing that makes the partner smaller, and the smaller is the thing the explosion, as abuse, is aimed at producing.
The third phase is the aftermath. The explosion passes, and the passing is the thing that the person experiences as the relief, or the shame, or the guilt, or the numbness, and the experiencing is the thing that the partner experiences as the walking-on-eggshells, the not-knowing-what-comes-next, the fear that the explosion will return. The aftermath is the thing that makes the pattern stick, because the aftermath, with its relief or shame or guilt or numbness, is the thing that the person tries to manage, and the managing, done badly, is the thing that leads to the next buildup, and the next buildup is the thing that begins the cycle again.
The fourth phase is the repair-that-is-not-a-repair. The person apologizes, or makes a gesture, or promises it will not happen again, and the apologizing or the gesture or the promising is the thing that the partner wants to believe, and the wanting-to-believe is the thing that makes the partner accept the repair, and the accepting is the thing that restores the peace, and the peace is the thing that lasts until the next buildup, and the lasting-until is the thing that makes the repair not a repair but a pause, and the pause is the thing that makes the cycle continue, because the cycle, not interrupted, is the thing that repeats, and the repeating is the thing that makes the pattern the pattern.
The cycle, repeated, escalates. The explosions that were shouting become the shouting that includes name-calling. The name-calling that was occasional becomes the name-calling that is regular. The withdrawing that was a few hours becomes the withdrawing that is a few days. The threatening that was implied becomes the threatening that is stated. The escalation is the thing that makes the pattern worse, and the worse is the thing that makes the partner more afraid, and the more-afraid is the thing that makes the partner more compliant, and the more-compliant is the thing that makes the pattern more entrenched, and the entrenched is the thing that makes the change harder, and the harder is the thing that makes the work more urgent.
The escalation is not inevitable. The cycle, interrupted at any phase, is the cycle that does not escalate, and the not-escalating is the thing that makes the pattern addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible. The interruption is the skill, and the skill is the thing that chapter five teaches, and the teaching is the thing that makes the cycle stop, and the stopping is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
The aftermath is the thing the partner lives in, and the living-in is the thing that the person who is angry often does not see, because the aftermath, for the person who was angry, is the relief or the shame or the moving-on, and the moving-on is the thing that makes the person think the episode is over, and the over is the thing that makes the person not see the partner's ongoing experience, and the not-seeing is the thing that makes the pattern continue.
The partner, in the aftermath, is living in the not-knowing. The not-knowing when the next explosion will come. The not-knowing what will trigger it. The not-knowing how bad it will be. The not-knowing is the thing that makes the partner organize their life around the avoiding of the explosion, and the organizing is the thing that makes the partner smaller, and the smaller is the thing that the abuse, as a pattern, has produced, and the produced is the thing that makes the pattern the abuse, and the abuse is the thing that the work is meant to address.
The seeing of the pattern is the first step, because the pattern, unseen, is the pattern that continues, and the continuing is the thing that does the damage, and the damage, accumulated, is the thing that makes the relationship unsalvageable, and the unsalvageable is the thing that the work, begun early enough, prevents. The pattern is visible, if you are willing to look, and the willing-to-look is the thing that this chapter is asking for, and the asking is the thing that makes the seeing possible, and the seeing is the thing that makes the change begin, and the beginning is the thing that the rest of the book is for.
Chapter 04
The anger does not come from nowhere. It comes from a trigger, and the trigger is the thing that lights the fuse, and the knowing of the triggers is the thing that makes the anger predictable, and the predictable is the thing that makes the anger preparable-for, and the preparable-for is the thing that makes the anger controllable. This chapter is about the triggers — the external events and the internal meanings — and the understanding of the triggers is the thing that makes the anger less surprising, and the less-surprising is the thing that makes the anger more manageable.
The external triggers are the events — the things the partner does or does not do — that light the fuse. The external triggers are specific to the person, but there are common ones, and the common ones are worth naming, because the naming is the thing that makes the recognizing possible, and the recognizing is the thing that makes the preparing possible.
The first common external trigger is the feeling of being disrespected. The partner who speaks in a tone, or who makes a decision without consulting, or who dismisses a concern, or who rolls the eyes — the behavior is the trigger, and the trigger is the thing that lights the fuse of the person whose history has taught them that disrespect is a threat, and the threat is the thing that fires the amygdala, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger.
The second common external trigger is the feeling of being ignored. The partner who does not respond, or who is on the phone, or who does not make eye contact, or who forgets what was said — the behavior is the trigger, and the trigger is the thing that lights the fuse of the person whose history has taught them that being ignored is a threat, and the threat is the thing that fires the amygdala, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger.
The third common external trigger is the feeling of being controlled. The partner who makes a demand, or who criticizes, or who corrects, or who gives unsolicited advice — the behavior is the trigger, and the trigger is the thing that lights the fuse of the person whose history has taught them that being controlled is a threat, and the threat is the thing that fires the amygdala, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger.
The fourth common external trigger is the feeling of being inadequate. The partner who achieves more, or who seems more competent, or who points out a mistake, or who does something better — the behavior is the trigger, and the trigger is the thing that lights the fuse of the person whose history has taught them that inadequacy is a threat, and the threat is the thing that fires the amygdala, and the firing is the thing that produces the anger.
The external triggers are not the cause of the anger. They are the events that the internal meanings interpret, and the interpreting is the thing that produces the anger, and the producing is the thing that the internal meanings govern, and the internal meanings are the thing the next section is about.
The internal meanings are the interpretations — the things the mind says about the external events — and the interpretations are the things that determine whether the external event becomes a trigger or not. The same external event — the partner forgetting the appointment — can be interpreted as "they are busy and forgot" or as "they do not care about me," and the first interpretation does not produce the anger and the second does, and the difference is the meaning, and the meaning is the thing the mind does, and the mind's doing is the thing that the work addresses.
The internal meanings are shaped by the history, as we saw in chapter two. The person who learned early that being forgotten meant being unloved carries that meaning into the present, and the carrying is the thing that makes the forgotten appointment mean being unloved, and the meaning is the thing that produces the anger, and the anger is the thing that, expressed, is the thing that does the damage. The person who did not learn that meaning does not carry it, and the not-carrying is the thing that makes the forgotten appointment mean nothing more than a forgotten appointment, and the meaning-nothing-more is the thing that does not produce the anger, and the not-producing is the thing that does not do the damage.
The internal meanings are the thing that makes the anger personal, and the personal is the thing that makes the anger intense, and the intense is the thing that makes the anger harder to control. The work of the triggers is the work of seeing the internal meanings — the seeing of what the mind is saying about the event — and the seeing is the thing that makes the meanings challengeable, and the challengeable is the thing that makes the meanings changeable, and the changeable is the thing that makes the anger less intense, and the less-intense is the thing that makes the anger more controllable.
The triggers do not fire in a vacuum. They fire in a context, and the context is the thing that makes the trigger more or less likely to produce the anger, and the more-or-less is the thing that the vulnerability factors govern. The vulnerability factors are the conditions that make the anger more available — the tiredness, the hunger, the stress, the alcohol, the illness, the pre-existing tension — and the conditions are the things that lower the threshold, and the lowered threshold is the thing that makes the trigger more likely to fire, and the more-likely is the thing that makes the anger more frequent.
The knowing of the vulnerability factors is the thing that makes the anger predictable, and the predictable is the thing that makes the anger preparable-for. The person who knows that they are more angry when tired can prepare for the tiredness, and the preparing is the thing that makes the anger less likely, and the less-likely is the thing that makes the pattern less frequent, and the less-frequent is the thing that makes the relationship better. The vulnerability factors are not excuses. They are conditions, and the conditions are the things that the managing addresses, and the managing is the thing that makes the anger less available, and the less-available is the thing that makes the anger less frequent.
The practical work of this chapter is the trigger map — the personal, specific list of the external triggers, the internal meanings, and the vulnerability factors that are the things that produce the anger in the particular relationship. The map is the thing that makes the anger predictable, and the predictable is the thing that makes the anger preparable-for, and the preparable-for is the thing that makes the anger controllable.
The map is built by the paying-attention. The paying-attention is the thing that, after each episode of anger, asks: what was the external trigger? What was the internal meaning — what did I tell myself about the event? What were the vulnerability factors — was I tired, stressed, hungry, drunk? The asking, done after each episode, is the thing that builds the map, and the map, built, is the thing that makes the next episode predictable, and the predictable is the thing that makes the next episode preparable-for, and the preparable-for is the thing that makes the next episode less damaging, and the less-damaging is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
The triggers are not the enemy. They are the information, and the information, used, is the thing that makes the anger workable, and the workable is the thing that makes the change possible. The next chapter is the skills — the practical, in-the-moment skills that use the trigger map to control the anger before it controls you, and the skills, practiced, are the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the relationship hold.
Chapter 05
The skills are the practical, daily, in-the-moment practices that control the anger before it controls you. The skills are not complicated, but they require the practice, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the skills available in the moment, and the available is the thing that makes the anger controllable. This chapter is about the skills — the pause, the breath, the naming, the choosing, the expressing — and the skills, together, are the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force.
The first skill is the pause. The pause is the thing that happens in the window — the fraction of a second between the amygdala's firing and the body's flooding — and the window, used, is the thing that makes the anger controllable, and the controllable is the thing that makes the anger not the master but the instrument. The pause is the deliberate stopping — the choice, in the moment the anger begins to rise, to not act on the anger yet, and the not-acting-yet is the thing that makes the anger wait, and the waiting is the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the anger workable.
The pause is practiced before it is needed. The practice is the thing that makes the pause available in the moment, because the pause, in the moment, is not natural — the natural is the reaction, and the reaction is the thing that the anger wants, and the wanting is the thing that the pause interrupts. The practice is the thing that makes the pause a habit, and the habit is the thing that makes the pause available when the anger is high, and the available is the thing that makes the pause work, and the work is the thing that makes the anger controllable.
The pause can be a breath, a count, a step back, a walk to another room, a sip of water. The form does not matter. The function matters, and the function is the stopping, and the stopping is the thing that makes the next skill possible.
The second skill is the breath. The breath is the thing that calms the body, and the calming is the thing that reduces the flooding, and the reduced flooding is the thing that makes the thinking available, and the thinking is the thing that makes the choosing possible. The breath is the bridge between the body and the mind, and the bridge, used, is the thing that makes the anger less intense, and the less-intense is the thing that makes the anger more workable.
The breath is a specific practice: the in-breath, slow, through the nose, for a count of four; the hold, for a count of four; the out-breath, slow, through the mouth, for a count of six; the repeat, for a minimum of three cycles. The longer out-breath is the thing that activates the parasympathetic nervous system, and the activating is the thing that calms the body, and the calming is the thing that makes the thinking available. The breath is not a trick. It is a biology, and the biology, used, is the thing that makes the anger less intense, and the less-intense is the thing that makes the anger more controllable.
The third skill is the naming. The naming is the thing that makes the anger visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger addressable. The naming is the saying, to yourself or to the partner, "I am angry," and the saying is the thing that makes the anger a thing you have rather than a thing you are, and the having rather than the being is the thing that makes the anger workable. The person who is the anger is the person who is taken over by the anger, and the taken-over is the thing that makes the anger a force. The person who has the anger is the person who is separate from the anger, and the separate is the thing that makes the anger a feeling, and the feeling is the thing that can be worked with.
The naming can go further: "I am angry, and the trigger was the tone you used, and the meaning I made was that you do not respect me, and I am vulnerable because I am tired." The further naming is the thing that makes the trigger and the meaning and the vulnerability visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the anger understandable, and the understandable is the thing that makes the anger less frightening, and the less-frightening is the thing that makes the anger more manageable. The naming is the skill that makes the anger a communication rather than an explosion, and the communication is the thing the relationship is built of.
The fourth skill is the choosing. The choosing is the thing that happens after the pause, the breath, and the naming, and the choosing is the decision — the decision of how to express the anger, and the decision is the thing that makes the anger controllable, and the controllable is the thing that makes the anger not the master but the instrument. The choosing is the thing that the pause made possible, because the pause is the thing that created the space, and the space is the thing that makes the choice available, and the available is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force.
The choosing is between the expressions. The anger can be expressed by shouting, or by naming, or by withdrawing, or by asking for a conversation, or by taking a walk and coming back. The expressions are not equal. The shouting is the expression that does the damage. The naming is the expression that does the communicating. The withdrawing is the expression that does the punishing, if it is silent and prolonged, or the expression that does the self-care, if it is brief and named. The choosing is the thing that determines which expression the anger takes, and the determining is the thing that determines whether the anger is anger or abuse, and the determining is the thing that the skill is for.
The fifth skill is the expressing. The expressing is the thing that happens after the choosing, and the expressing is the communication of the anger to the partner, and the communication is the thing that makes the anger do its job, and the job is the signaling of the mattering, and the signaling is the thing that makes the relationship better, because the mattering, known, is the thing that the partner can respond to.
The expressing has a form: "I felt angry when you did X, because I made it mean Y, and what I need is Z." The form is the thing that makes the expressing clear, and the clear is the thing that makes the expressing receivable, and the receivable is the thing that makes the expressing work. The "I felt" is the owning. The "when you did X" is the specific, non-blaming description. The "because I made it mean Y" is the taking-responsibility for the interpretation. The "what I need is Z" is the request, and the request is the thing that gives the partner something to do, and the something-to-do is the thing that makes the expressing constructive, and the constructive is the thing that makes the relationship better.
The skills are not a one-time learning. They are a practice, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that makes the skills available in the moment, and the available is the thing that makes the anger controllable. The skills will fail, especially at first, and the failing is not the failure of the skills but the evidence that the skills need more practice, and the more-practice is the thing that makes the skills stronger, and the stronger is the thing that makes the skills available the next time, and the next time is the thing that the practice is for.
The skills are the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the abuse, and the not-the-abuse is the thing that makes the relationship survivable, and the survivable is the thing that makes the work worth doing. The next chapter is the repair — what to do after the anger has done its damage — and the repair, done, is the thing that makes the relationship heal, and the healing is the thing that makes the relationship last.
Chapter 06
The anger, even controlled, will sometimes do damage. The skills, even practiced, will sometimes fail. The damage, done, is not the end of the relationship, but the damage, unaddressed, is the thing that makes the relationship end, and the addressing is the repair, and the repair is the thing this chapter is about. The repair is the work that happens after the anger, and the work, done, is the thing that makes the relationship heal, and the healing is the thing that makes the relationship last.
The repair is the work of addressing the damage the anger did, and the addressing is the thing that makes the damage not permanent, and the not-permanent is the thing that makes the relationship survivable. The repair is not the apology alone. The repair is the apology, the understanding, the change, and the demonstration, and the four, together, are the thing that makes the repair real, and the real is the thing that makes the partner trust that the damage will not be repeated, and the trusting is the thing that makes the relationship heal.
The repair is not the thing that makes the anger not have happened. The anger happened. The damage happened. The repair is the thing that makes the anger and the damage not the thing that defines the relationship, and the not-defining is the thing that makes the relationship larger than the anger, and the larger is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
The first part of the repair is the apology, and the apology is the thing that acknowledges the damage, and the acknowledging is the thing that makes the partner feel seen, and the seen is the thing that makes the partner feel that the damage mattered, and the mattered is the thing that makes the partner trust that the damage will be addressed.
The real apology has parts. The first part is the naming of what was done — "I shouted at you, and I called you a name, and I saw you flinch." The naming is the thing that makes the apology specific, and the specific is the thing that makes the apology real, because the vague apology — "I'm sorry for earlier" — is the apology that does not acknowledge the specific damage, and the not-acknowledging is the thing that makes the partner feel that the damage was not seen, and the not-seen is the thing that makes the apology feel hollow.
The second part is the acknowledging of the impact — "I know that my shouting made you afraid, and I know that the name-calling made you feel small, and I know that the fear and the smallness are the things I produced." The acknowledging is the thing that makes the partner feel that the impact was understood, and the understood is the thing that makes the partner feel that the anger was not minimized, and the not-minimized is the thing that makes the apology feel real.
The third part is the taking of the responsibility — "I am responsible for the anger, and I am responsible for the expression of the anger, and I am responsible for the damage the expression did." The taking is the thing that makes the apology not an excuse, and the not-an-excuse is the thing that makes the apology trustworthy, because the apology that includes a "but" — "I'm sorry, but you were being difficult" — is the apology that is not an apology but a blame, and the blame is the thing that makes the partner feel that the damage was justified, and the justified is the thing that makes the apology do more harm than good.
The second part of the repair is the understanding, and the understanding is the work of seeing what the anger was about — the trigger, the meaning, the vulnerability — and the seeing is the thing that makes the anger addressable, and the addressable is the thing that makes the change possible. The understanding is the thing that the trigger map, from chapter four, is for, and the trigger map, used in the repair, is the thing that makes the anger not a mystery but a known, and the known is the thing that makes the anger preparable-for, and the preparable-for is the thing that makes the next episode less likely, and the less-likely is the thing that makes the partner trust that the change is real.
The understanding is shared with the partner: "I have thought about what happened, and I believe the trigger was the tone you used, and the meaning I made was that you do not respect me, and I was vulnerable because I was tired and stressed. I am not saying this to justify the anger. I am saying this to show you that I understand it, and that I am working on the things that make it more likely, and the working is the thing that will make it less frequent." The sharing is the thing that makes the partner feel that the anger is being taken seriously, and the taken-seriously is the thing that makes the partner trust that the change is real.
The third part of the repair is the change, and the change is the thing that makes the repair not a promise but a practice, and the practice is the thing that makes the repair real. The change is the thing that the skills, from chapter five, are for, and the skills, practiced after the repair, are the thing that makes the next episode less damaging, and the less-damaging is the thing that makes the partner trust that the repair is real, and the real is the thing that makes the relationship heal.
The change is specific: "I am going to practice the pause, and I am going to use the breath, and I am going to name the anger before it becomes the shouting, and I am going to ask for a conversation rather than exploding. I am going to do these things, and I am going to do them because I do not want to do the damage again, and the not-wanting is the thing that makes the change worth the work." The specific is the thing that makes the change verifiable, and the verifiable is the thing that makes the change trustworthy, and the trustworthy is the thing that makes the partner believe that the repair is real.
The fourth part of the repair is the demonstration, and the demonstration is the thing that proves the change, and the proving is the thing that makes the trust rebuild, and the rebuilding is the thing that makes the relationship heal. The demonstration is the living of the change, over time, in the daily life of the relationship, and the living is the thing that makes the change not a statement but a fact, and the fact is the thing that makes the partner trust that the repair is real.
The demonstration takes time, and the time is the thing that makes the partner cautious, and the cautious is the thing that the person who was angry must be patient with, because the patience is the thing that makes the partner feel that the damage is understood, and the understood is the thing that makes the partner willing to trust again, and the willing is the thing that makes the relationship heal. The demonstration is not the thing that earns the trust back quickly. The demonstration is the thing that earns the trust back over time, and the over-time is the thing that makes the trust strong, and the strong is the thing that makes the relationship last.
The repair is not a one-time event. It is the ongoing work of the relationship, and the ongoing is the thing that makes the relationship strong, because the relationship that repairs well is the relationship that survives the anger, and the surviving is the thing that makes the relationship last. The anger will happen. The damage will happen. The repair, done, is the thing that makes the anger and the damage not the end, and the not-the-end is the thing that makes the relationship larger than the anger, and the larger is the thing that makes the relationship worth having.
Anger can become emotional abuse, and the becoming is the thing that this book has been about, and the about is the thing that makes the becoming visible, and the visible is the thing that makes the becoming interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the change possible. The change is not the suppression of the anger. The change is the skill — the learned, practiced, in-the-moment skill of feeling the anger fully and expressing it without harming the other person, and the skill is the thing that makes the anger a feeling rather than a force, and the feeling-rather-than-force is the thing that makes the anger not the abuse, and the not-the-abuse is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
You did not choose the patterns that make the anger become the abuse. You can choose, in the moment you begin the practice, to do the work the change requires. The skills are here. The work is clear. The relationship, repaired by the practice, is the relationship that is waiting, and the waiting is the thing this book has been honoring, and the honoring is the thing the book is, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the practicing, done, is the thing that makes it so.
— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Dr. Lubega has spent over 15 years in clinical practice, much of it alongside people who came in describing their relationships as volatile or difficult, and who, in the work, turned out to be caught in the tangle of anger and emotional abuse. This guide is written from the conviction that anger is a feeling and abuse is a pattern, and that the line between them can be seen, and the seeing is the thing that makes the pattern interruptible, and the interruptible is the thing that makes the relationship survivable.
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