Your Relationship

There is a moment in every struggling relationship when the people in it know, even if they have not said it, that the relationship is in trouble. The moment is not the argument, and the moment is not the discovery, and the moment is not the crisis. The moment is quieter than those. The moment is the moment when the distance, grown slowly over months or years, becomes the thing that can no longer be ignored, and the not-ignoring is the thing that tells the people that the relationship is not what it was, and the not-what-it-was is the thing that, if not addressed, will become the thing that ends it.

This is a book for that moment. It is a book for the people who have begun to feel the distance and who want, before it is too late, to close it. It is a book for the people who love each other and who have, despite the love, drifted, and who want, before the drift becomes the distance, to find their way back. It is a book for the people who are not yet at the breaking point but who can see it from where they are, and who want, before they arrive, to turn around.

The "before it is too late" is the heart of the book. The too late is the point past which the repair is no longer possible, or no longer worth the cost, or no longer desired by one or both of the people. The too late is real, and the too late is the thing that many relationships reach, and the reaching is the thing that this book is written to prevent. The five steps in this book are the steps that, taken before the too late, give the relationship its best chance of not just surviving but becoming the relationship the people in it actually want.

Who This Book Is For

It is for the person in a relationship that is struggling, who has begun to feel the distance, and who wants to close it before it becomes the distance that cannot be closed. It is for the person in a relationship that is good but that has begun to feel the drift, and who wants to address the drift before it becomes the distance. It is for the person who is not sure whether the relationship can be saved, and who wants to know what the saving would require, and whether they are willing to do it. It is for the person who is sure the relationship can be saved, and who wants a clear, practical plan for the saving. It is for both people in the relationship, and it is for either person in the relationship, because the work, though best done together, can be begun by one.

What This Book Is Not

This book is not a guarantee. The five steps, taken, do not guarantee that the relationship will be saved, because the saving depends on things the steps cannot control — the willingness of the other person, the depth of the damage, the history of the pattern, the presence of the conditions that make the repair possible. The steps give the relationship its best chance, and the best chance is the most the steps can give, and the most is the thing that makes the steps worth taking.

This book is also not a substitute for the clinical care that some relationships need. If the relationship is shaped by abuse — by violence, by manipulation, by control, by the use of the relationship as a weapon — the steps in this book will not save the relationship, because the relationship is not a struggling relationship. It is an abusive relationship, and the abuse must be addressed before the relationship can be worked on, and the addressing of the abuse is a different kind of work, often requiring professional help and, sometimes, requiring the ending of the relationship. If you are in a relationship where you are being harmed, the first thing you need is safety — the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, a clinician, a trusted person. Get safe first. The steps will be here when you are.

The Five Steps

The five steps are the structure of the book, and the structure is the thing that gives the work a clear path. The five are:

The first step is to see the relationship clearly — to look honestly at what the relationship is right now, not what it was, not what it should be, but what it is, and the seeing is the thing that the work begins with, because the work, to be real, must be done on the real relationship, not the imagined one.

The second step is to restore the communication — to rebuild the channels through which the people in the relationship connect, and the channels, when they are open, are the thing that makes the rest of the work possible, because the work is done through the communication, and the communication, when it is broken, makes the work impossible.

The third step is to rebuild the connection — to restore the closeness that the distance has eroded, and the closeness, restored, is the thing that makes the relationship feel like a relationship again, and the feeling is the thing that motivates the rest of the work.

The fourth step is to repair the damage — to address the wounds, the betrayals, the resentments that the struggling has produced, and the addressing is the thing that clears the ground for the rebuilding, because the damage, unaddressed, is the thing that undermines the rebuilding.

The fifth step is to renew the commitment — to make the deliberate, conscious choice to be in the relationship, and to make the choice not just once but as a practice, and the practice is the thing that keeps the relationship alive, because the relationship, unchosen, is the relationship that drifts, and the drifting is the thing that the whole book is written to prevent.

A Word on Timing

The timing matters. The steps, taken early, are easier than the steps taken late, and the easier is not because the work is less but because the damage is less, and the less damage is the thing that makes the work more likely to succeed. The steps, taken late, are harder, and the harder is not because the work is more but because the damage is more, and the more damage is the thing that makes the work less likely to succeed. The timing is the thing that makes the "before it is too late" urgent, and the urgent is the thing that motivates the beginning, and the beginning is the thing that the whole book is for.

The timing, however, is not the thing that determines the outcome. The steps, taken at any point before the too late, give the relationship a chance, and the chance is the thing that the steps provide, and the provided is the thing that makes the steps worth taking, even late, even when the damage is great, even when the distance is wide. The chance is not the guarantee, but the chance is the thing that the steps give, and the giving is the thing that the whole book is for.

The Work Ahead

The work ahead is the work of the five steps, and the five steps, taken together, are the thing that gives the relationship its best chance. The work is not easy, and the not-easy is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the work real. The work is the work of the seeing, the communicating, the connecting, the repairing, and the renewing, and the work, done, is the thing that can save the relationship, and the saving is the thing the whole book is for.

Begin.

The first step is to see the relationship clearly, and the seeing is the thing that the work begins with, because the work, to be real, must be done on the real relationship, not the imagined one. The seeing is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the step must address, because the seeing requires the honesty, and the honesty, about the relationship, is the thing that most people, when the relationship is struggling, are avoiding, and the avoiding is the thing that the seeing must interrupt.

What Seeing Clearly Means

Seeing the relationship clearly means looking honestly at what the relationship is right now — not what it was when it began, not what it should be according to the ideal, not what it could be if the work is done, but what it is, today, in the reality of the daily life. The seeing is the practice of the honest assessment, and the honest assessment is the thing that the seeing produces, and the produced is the thing that the work is built on.

The seeing includes the seeing of the distance — how far apart the people have grown, in what ways, and since when. The seeing includes the seeing of the communication — what is said, what is not said, how it is said, and how it is received. The seeing includes the seeing of the connection — what the people do together, what they enjoy together, what they share, and what they do not. The seeing includes the seeing of the damage — what has been hurt, what has been broken, what has been left unaddressed. The seeing includes the seeing of the patterns — the recurring arguments, the recurring avoidances, the recurring disappointments that the struggling has produced.

Why Seeing Clearly Is Hard

Seeing clearly is hard because the seeing requires the honesty, and the honesty, about the struggling relationship, is the thing that most people are avoiding. The avoiding is not the moral failing. The avoiding is the protection — the protection from the pain of the seeing, the protection from the fear of what the seeing will reveal, the protection from the implication of the seeing, which is that the work must be done. The avoiding is the thing that the seeing must interrupt, and the interrupting is the thing that the step is for.

The seeing is also hard because the seeing requires the letting go of the image, and the image is the thing that most people, about their relationship, are holding. The image is the image of the relationship as it was, or as it should be, or as it is in the moments when it is good. The image is the thing that the seeing must look past, and the looking-past is the thing that the seeing requires, and the requiring is the thing that makes the seeing hard.

The seeing is also hard because the seeing requires the acknowledgment of the self's role, and the self's role is the thing that most people, when the relationship is struggling, are not seeing. The seeing of the self's role — the ways the self has contributed to the distance, the communication breakdown, the connection loss, the damage, the patterns — is the thing that the seeing must include, and the including is the thing that makes the seeing honest, and the honest is the thing that the seeing is.

The Practice of Seeing Clearly

The practice of seeing clearly is the practice of the honest assessment, and the honest assessment is the thing that the seeing produces. The practice is not the one-time thing. The practice is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the seeing requires, because the relationship, changing, is the thing that must be seen again, and the again is the thing that the ongoing provides.

The first practice is to look at the relationship as it is, not as it was. The looking is the thing that the seeing begins with, and the beginning is the thing that the looking is. The person who looks at the relationship as it was is the person who is not seeing the relationship, and the not-seeing is the thing that the looking must interrupt. The person who looks at the relationship as it is is the person who is seeing the relationship, and the seeing is the thing that the looking produces.

The second practice is to look at the relationship without the judgment. The looking without the judgment is the thing that the seeing requires, because the judgment is the thing that distorts the seeing, and the distorted is the thing that the judgment produces. The person who looks with the judgment is the person who is not seeing the relationship but evaluating it, and the evaluating is not the seeing. The person who looks without the judgment is the person who is seeing the relationship, and the seeing is the thing that the looking produces.

The third practice is to look at the self's role. The looking at the self's role is the thing that the seeing must include, because the self's role is the thing that the seeing, to be honest, must address. The person who looks only at the other person's role is the person who is not seeing the relationship, and the not-seeing is the thing that the looking must interrupt. The person who looks at the self's role is the person who is seeing the relationship, and the seeing is the thing that the looking produces.

The fourth practice is to write down what you see. The writing is the thing that the seeing requires, because the writing is the thing that makes the seeing concrete, and the concrete is the thing that the seeing, to be useful, must be. The person who sees but does not write is the person who will forget the seeing, and the forgetting is the thing that the writing prevents. The person who sees and writes is the person who has the seeing, and the having is the thing that the writing produces.

What to Look For

The seeing, to be useful, must look for the specific things, and the specific things are the things that the work must address. The things to look for include:

The distance — how far apart have we grown? In what ways? Since when? What are the things we used to do together that we no longer do? What are the things we used to talk about that we no longer talk about? What are the things we used to share that we no longer share?

The communication — what is said between us, and what is not? How is it said, and how is it received? What are the conversations that go well, and what are the conversations that go badly? What are the topics that are avoided, and why? What are the words that are used, and what are the words that are withheld?

The connection — what do we enjoy together, and what do we not? What do we do together, and what do we do apart? What do we share, and what do we keep separate? What is the closeness, and what is the distance? What is the intimacy, and what is the absence?

The damage — what has been hurt, and what has not been addressed? What are the resentments, and where do they come from? What are the betrayals, large and small? What are the unspoken wounds, and how long have they been carried? What are the apologies that have not been made, and what are the apologies that have not been accepted?

The patterns — what are the recurring arguments, and what triggers them? What are the recurring avoidances, and what are they avoiding? What are the recurring disappointments, and what produces them? What are the cycles that the relationship goes through, and how long have they been cycling?

The Seeing Is the Beginning

The seeing is the beginning of the work, and the beginning is the thing that the seeing is. The seeing is not the work itself. The seeing is the thing that the work is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the seeing provides. The work — the communicating, the connecting, the repairing, the renewing — is the work that the seeing makes possible, and the possible is the thing that the seeing gives.

The seeing, done, is the thing that tells the people in the relationship what they are working with, and the what-they-are-working-with is the thing that the work must be built on. The seeing, not done, is the thing that leaves the people working on the imagined relationship, and the imagined relationship is not the relationship that needs the work, and the not-the-relationship is the thing that makes the work useless.

The seeing is the first step, and the first step is the thing that the work begins with. The next step is the communication, and the communication is the thing that the seeing makes possible, because the seeing, done, is the thing that gives the people the things to communicate about, and the things to communicate about are the thing that the communication is built on.

The second step is to restore the communication, and the restoring is the thing that the work continues with, because the communication is the thing that the work is done through, and the through is the thing that the communication provides. The communication, when it is broken, is the thing that makes the work impossible, and the impossible is the thing that the restoring must address, and the addressing is the thing that the restoring is.

What Restoring Communication Means

Restoring communication means rebuilding the channels through which the people in the relationship connect, and the channels, when they are open, are the thing that makes the rest of the work possible. The communication is not just the talking. The communication is the talking, the listening, the understanding, the responding, the sharing, the revealing. The communication is the whole of the exchange, and the whole, when it is working, is the thing that makes the relationship a relationship.

The restoring is not the one-time thing. The restoring is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the communication requires, because the communication, to be maintained, must be practiced, and the practiced is the thing that the restoring produces. The communication, restored once, is the communication that will break again, and the again is the thing that the ongoing prevents.

Why Communication Breaks

The communication breaks for reasons that are not mysterious, and the not-mysterious is the thing that the restoring must understand, because the understanding is the thing that makes the restoring possible. The communication breaks because of the distance, and the distance is the thing that the communication, when it is working, prevents. The communication breaks because of the fear, and the fear is the thing that the communication, when it is honest, addresses. The communication breaks because of the habit, and the habit is the thing that the communication, when it is practiced, replaces. The communication breaks because of the avoidance, and the avoidance is the thing that the communication, when it is courageous, interrupts.

The communication breaks slowly, and the slowly is the thing that makes the breaking hard to see, and the hard-to-see is the thing that makes the breaking hard to address, and the hard-to-address is the thing that makes the breaking continue. The communication, broken slowly, is the communication that has been breaking for months or years, and the months or years is the thing that the restoring must address, and the addressing is the thing that the restoring is.

The Practice of Restoring Communication

The practice of restoring communication is the practice of the talking, the listening, the understanding, the responding, the sharing, the revealing, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that restores the communication over time.

The first practice is to talk. The talking is the thing that the communication begins with, and the beginning is the thing that the talking is. The person who does not talk is the person who is not communicating, and the not-communicating is the thing that the talking must interrupt. The person who talks is the person who is communicating, and the communicating is the thing that the talking produces. The talking is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the talking, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The second practice is to listen. The listening is the thing that the communication continues with, and the continuing is the thing that the listening is. The person who does not listen is the person who is not communicating, and the not-communicating is the thing that the listening must interrupt. The person who listens is the person who is communicating, and the communicating is the thing that the listening produces. The listening is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the listening, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The third practice is to understand. The understanding is the thing that the communication deepens with, and the deepening is the thing that the understanding is. The person who does not understand is the person who is not communicating, and the not-communicating is the thing that the understanding must interrupt. The person who understands is the person who is communicating, and the communicating is the thing that the understanding produces. The understanding is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the understanding, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The fourth practice is to respond. The responding is the thing that the communication completes with, and the completing is the thing that the responding is. The person who does not respond is the person who is not communicating, and the not-communicating is the thing that the responding must interrupt. The person who responds is the person who is communicating, and the communicating is the thing that the responding produces. The responding is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the responding, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The Specific Things to Communicate About

The communication, to be restoring, must be about the specific things, and the specific things are the things that the seeing, from the first step, has revealed. The things to communicate about include:

The distance — "I have been feeling the distance between us, and I want to talk about it." The distance, communicated about, is the distance that can be addressed, and the addressed is the thing that the communication makes possible.

The communication itself — "I have been feeling that we are not talking the way we used to, and I want us to talk again." The communication, communicated about, is the communication that can be restored, and the restored is the thing that the communication makes possible.

The connection — "I have been feeling that we are not as close as we were, and I want us to be close again." The connection, communicated about, is the connection that can be rebuilt, and the rebuilt is the thing that the communication makes possible.

The damage — "There are things that have happened between us that I have been carrying, and I want to talk about them." The damage, communicated about, is the damage that can be repaired, and the repaired is the thing that the communication makes possible.

The patterns — "I have noticed that we keep having the same argument, and I want us to find a different way." The patterns, communicated about, are the patterns that can be changed, and the changed is the thing that the communication makes possible.

The Obstacles to Restoring Communication

The obstacles to restoring communication are real, and the real is the thing that the practice must address. The first obstacle is the fear — the fear of the conversation, the fear of the reaction, the fear of the conflict. The fear is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the courage provides, and the courage is the thing that the practice builds.

The second obstacle is the habit — the habit of the not-talking, the habit of the not-listening, the habit of the not-understanding, the habit of the not-responding. The habit is the thing that the practice must replace, and the replacing is the thing that the new habit provides, and the new habit is the thing that the practice builds.

The third obstacle is the avoidance — the avoidance of the discomfort, the avoidance of the conflict, the avoidance of the vulnerability. The avoidance is the thing that the practice must interrupt, and the interrupting is the thing that the willingness provides, and the willingness is the thing that the practice builds.

The fourth obstacle is the history — the history of the communication that has gone badly, the history of the conversations that have hurt, the history of the words that have wounded. The history is the thing that the practice must address, and the addressing is the thing that the patience provides, and the patience is the thing that the practice builds.

The Restoring Is the Continuing

The restoring of the communication is the continuing of the work, and the continuing is the thing that the restoring is. The restoring is not the one-time thing. The restoring is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the communication requires, and the requiring is the thing that the restoring provides. The communication, restored, is the communication that must be maintained, and the maintained is the thing that the practice produces, and the produced is the thing that the relationship is built on.

The next step is the connection, and the connection is the thing that the communication makes possible, because the communication, restored, is the thing that gives the people the channels through which the connection can be rebuilt, and the channels are the thing that the connection is built on.

The third step is to rebuild the connection, and the rebuilding is the thing that the work continues with, because the connection is the thing that makes the relationship feel like a relationship, and the feeling is the thing that motivates the rest of the work. The connection, when it is lost, is the thing that makes the relationship feel like a transaction, and the transaction is the thing that the rebuilding must address, and the addressing is the thing that the rebuilding is.

What Rebuilding Connection Means

Rebuilding connection means restoring the closeness that the distance has eroded, and the closeness, restored, is the thing that makes the relationship feel like a relationship again. The connection is not just the physical closeness. The connection is the emotional closeness, the intellectual closeness, the experiential closeness, the spiritual closeness. The connection is the whole of the togetherness, and the whole, when it is present, is the thing that makes the relationship alive.

The rebuilding is not the one-time thing. The rebuilding is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the connection requires, because the connection, to be maintained, must be practiced, and the practiced is the thing that the rebuilding produces. The connection, rebuilt once, is the connection that will fade again, and the again is the thing that the ongoing prevents.

Why Connection Fades

The connection fades for reasons that are not mysterious, and the not-mysterious is the thing that the rebuilding must understand, because the understanding is the thing that makes the rebuilding possible. The connection fades because of the distance, and the distance is the thing that the connection, when it is maintained, prevents. The connection fades because of the busyness, and the busyness is the thing that the connection, when it is prioritized, addresses. The connection fades because of the routine, and the routine is the thing that the connection, when it is intentional, interrupts. The connection fades because of the neglect, and the neglect is the thing that the connection, when it is tended, replaces.

The connection fades slowly, and the slowly is the thing that makes the fading hard to see, and the hard-to-see is the thing that makes the fading hard to address, and the hard-to-address is the thing that makes the fading continue. The connection, faded slowly, is the connection that has been fading for months or years, and the months or years is the thing that the rebuilding must address, and the addressing is the thing that the rebuilding is.

The Practice of Rebuilding Connection

The practice of rebuilding connection is the practice of the togetherness, and the togetherness is the thing that the connection is. The practice, done consistently, is the thing that rebuilds the connection over time.

The first practice is to spend time together. The spending is the thing that the connection begins with, and the beginning is the thing that the spending is. The people who do not spend time together are the people who are not connected, and the not-connected is the thing that the spending must interrupt. The people who spend time together are the people who are connected, and the connected is the thing that the spending produces. The spending is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the spending, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The second practice is to share experiences. The sharing is the thing that the connection deepens with, and the deepening is the thing that the sharing is. The people who do not share experiences are the people who are not connected, and the not-connected is the thing that the sharing must interrupt. The people who share experiences are the people who are connected, and the connected is the thing that the sharing produces. The sharing is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the sharing, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The third practice is to be present. The presence is the thing that the connection requires, and the requiring is the thing that the presence is. The people who are not present are the people who are not connected, and the not-connected is the thing that the presence must interrupt. The people who are present are the people who are connected, and the connected is the thing that the presence produces. The presence is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the presence, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The fourth practice is to be affectionate. The affection is the thing that the connection expresses, and the expressing is the thing that the affection is. The people who are not affectionate are the people who are not connected, and the not-connected is the thing that the affection must interrupt. The people who are affectionate are the people who are connected, and the connected is the thing that the affection produces. The affection is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the affection, when the relationship is struggling, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The Specific Things to Do

The connection, to be rebuilding, must be built by the specific things, and the specific things are the things that the practice produces. The things to do include:

The time — set aside the regular time, the protected time, the time that is for the two of you and nothing else. The time, set aside, is the time that the connection is built in, and the built-in is the thing that the time provides.

The experiences — do the things together, the new things and the old things, the things you used to do and the things you have never done. The experiences, shared, are the things that the connection is built from, and the built-from is the thing that the experiences provide.

The presence — when you are together, be together. Put down the phone, turn off the screen, close the laptop, and be with the person in front of you. The presence, given, is the thing that the connection is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the presence provides.

The affection — touch, hold, kiss, embrace. The affection, expressed, is the thing that the connection is built through, and the built-through is the thing that the affection provides.

The conversation — talk, listen, share, reveal. The conversation, had, is the thing that the connection is built by, and the built-by is the thing that the conversation provides.

The Obstacles to Rebuilding Connection

The obstacles to rebuilding connection are real, and the real is the thing that the practice must address. The first obstacle is the busyness — the busyness of the life, the busyness of the work, the busyness of the children, the busyness of the everything. The busyness is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the prioritizing provides, and the prioritizing is the thing that the practice builds.

The second obstacle is the exhaustion — the exhaustion of the body, the exhaustion of the mind, the exhaustion of the spirit. The exhaustion is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the gentleness provides, and the gentleness is the thing that the practice builds.

The third obstacle is the resentment — the resentment of the unresolved, the resentment of the unaddressed, the resentment of the unhealed. The resentment is the thing that the practice must address, and the addressing is the thing that the repairing provides, and the repairing is the thing that the next step is about.

The fourth obstacle is the fear — the fear of the rejection, the fear of the vulnerability, the fear of the trying. The fear is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the courage provides, and the courage is the thing that the practice builds.

The Rebuilding Is the Feeling

The rebuilding of the connection is the thing that produces the feeling, and the feeling is the thing that makes the relationship feel like a relationship again. The feeling is not the means to the relationship. The feeling is the relationship, and the relationship is the feeling, and the feeling, produced by the practice, is the thing that makes the relationship alive, and the alive is the thing the whole book is for.

The next step is the repair, and the repair is the thing that the connection makes possible, because the connection, rebuilt, is the thing that gives the people the closeness that makes the repair possible, and the closeness is the thing that the repair is built on.

The fourth step is to repair the damage, and the repairing is the thing that the work continues with, because the damage, unaddressed, is the thing that undermines the rebuilding, and the undermining is the thing that the repairing must address, and the addressing is the thing that the repairing is. The damage, from the months or years of the struggling, is real, and the real is the thing that the repairing must face, and the facing is the thing that the repairing is.

What Repairing Damage Means

Repairing damage means addressing the wounds, the betrayals, the resentments that the struggling has produced, and the addressing is the thing that clears the ground for the rebuilding, because the damage, unaddressed, is the thing that undermines the rebuilding. The repairing is not the forgetting. The repairing is not the minimizing. The repairing is not the moving on. The repairing is the honest, thorough, patient work of addressing what has been hurt, and the addressing is the thing that the repairing is.

The repairing is not the one-time thing. The repairing is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the damage requires, because the damage, to be healed, must be addressed over time, and the over time is the thing that the repairing provides. The damage, repaired once, is the damage that will need the ongoing attention, and the ongoing is the thing that the repairing provides.

Why Repairing Is Hard

Repairing is hard because the repairing requires the facing, and the facing is the thing that most people, when the relationship is struggling, are avoiding. The facing of the damage — the wounds, the betrayals, the resentments — is the thing that the repairing must do, and the doing is the thing that the facing is, and the facing is not the easy thing. The facing requires the honesty, and the honesty, about the damage, is the thing that the avoiding is avoiding, and the avoiding is the thing that the facing must interrupt.

Repairing is also hard because the repairing requires the acknowledgment, and the acknowledgment is the thing that most people, when the damage is being addressed, are resisting. The acknowledgment of the damage — the acknowledgment of what was done, the acknowledgment of what was hurt, the acknowledgment of what was broken — is the thing that the repairing must do, and the doing is the thing that the acknowledgment is, and the acknowledgment is not the easy thing. The acknowledgment requires the humility, and the humility, about the damage, is the thing that the resisting is resisting, and the resisting is the thing that the acknowledgment must interrupt.

Repairing is also hard because the repairing requires the forgiveness, and the forgiveness is the thing that most people, when the damage is being addressed, are struggling with. The forgiveness of the damage — the forgiveness of what was done, the forgiveness of what was hurt, the forgiveness of what was broken — is the thing that the repairing must do, and the doing is the thing that the forgiveness is, and the forgiveness is not the easy thing. The forgiveness requires the letting go, and the letting go, of the damage, is the thing that the struggling is struggling with, and the struggling is the thing that the forgiveness must address.

The Practice of Repairing Damage

The practice of repairing damage is the practice of the facing, the acknowledging, the apologizing, the forgiving, and the practice, done consistently, is the thing that repairs the damage over time.

The first practice is to face the damage. The facing is the thing that the repairing begins with, and the beginning is the thing that the facing is. The person who does not face the damage is the person who is not repairing, and the not-repairing is the thing that the facing must interrupt. The person who faces the damage is the person who is repairing, and the repairing is the thing that the facing produces. The facing is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the facing, when the damage is great, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The second practice is to acknowledge the damage. The acknowledgment is the thing that the repairing continues with, and the continuing is the thing that the acknowledgment is. The person who does not acknowledge the damage is the person who is not repairing, and the not-repairing is the thing that the acknowledgment must interrupt. The person who acknowledges the damage is the person who is repairing, and the repairing is the thing that the acknowledgment produces. The acknowledgment is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the acknowledgment, when the damage is great, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The third practice is to apologize. The apology is the thing that the repairing deepens with, and the deepening is the thing that the apology is. The person who does not apologize is the person who is not repairing, and the not-repairing is the thing that the apology must interrupt. The person who apologizes is the person who is repairing, and the repairing is the thing that the apology produces. The apology is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the apology, when the damage is great, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The fourth practice is to forgive. The forgiveness is the thing that the repairing completes with, and the completing is the thing that the forgiveness is. The person who does not forgive is the person who is not repairing, and the not-repairing is the thing that the forgiveness must interrupt. The person who forgives is the person who is repairing, and the repairing is the thing that the forgiveness produces. The forgiveness is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the forgiveness, when the damage is great, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The Specific Things to Repair

The repairing, to be thorough, must address the specific things, and the specific things are the things that the seeing, from the first step, has revealed. The things to repair include:

The wounds — the things that have been hurt, the feelings that have been damaged, the trust that has been broken. The wounds, addressed, are the wounds that can be healed, and the healed is the thing that the repairing provides.

The betrayals — the things that have been broken, the promises that have been violated, the commitments that have been abandoned. The betrayals, addressed, are the betrayals that can be forgiven, and the forgiven is the thing that the repairing provides.

The resentments — the things that have been carried, the grievances that have been held, the angers that have been stored. The resentments, addressed, are the resentments that can be released, and the released is the thing that the repairing provides.

The patterns — the things that have been repeated, the cycles that have been continued, the habits that have been maintained. The patterns, addressed, are the patterns that can be changed, and the changed is the thing that the repairing provides.

The Obstacles to Repairing

The obstacles to repairing are real, and the real is the thing that the practice must address. The first obstacle is the pride — the pride that resists the acknowledgment, the pride that resists the apology, the pride that resists the humility. The pride is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the humility provides, and the humility is the thing that the practice builds.

The second obstacle is the fear — the fear of the confrontation, the fear of the vulnerability, the fear of the rejection. The fear is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the courage provides, and the courage is the thing that the practice builds.

The third obstacle is the anger — the anger that is held, the anger that is stored, the anger that is carried. The anger is the thing that the practice must address, and the addressing is the thing that the forgiveness provides, and the forgiveness is the thing that the practice builds.

The fourth obstacle is the hopelessness — the hopelessness that the damage cannot be repaired, the hopelessness that the relationship cannot be saved, the hopelessness that the work is not worth doing. The hopelessness is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the hope provides, and the hope is the thing that the practice builds.

The Repairing Is the Clearing

The repairing of the damage is the thing that clears the ground for the rebuilding, and the clearing is the thing that the repairing is. The repairing is not the end of the work. The repairing is the thing that makes the rest of the work possible, and the possible is the thing that the repairing provides. The damage, repaired, is the damage that no longer undermines the rebuilding, and the no-longer-undermining is the thing that the repairing provides, and the provided is the thing that the relationship is built on.

The next step is the renewal, and the renewal is the thing that the repairing makes possible, because the repairing, done, is the thing that gives the people the clean ground on which the commitment can be renewed, and the clean ground is the thing that the renewal is built on.

The fifth step is to renew the commitment, and the renewing is the thing that the work completes with, because the commitment is the thing that keeps the relationship alive, and the alive is the thing the whole book is for. The commitment, when it is not renewed, is the thing that drifts, and the drifting is the thing that the renewing must address, and the addressing is the thing that the renewing is.

What Renewing Commitment Means

Renewing commitment means making the deliberate, conscious choice to be in the relationship, and making the choice not just once but as a practice, and the practice is the thing that keeps the relationship alive. The commitment is not the one-time thing. The commitment is the ongoing thing, and the ongoing is the thing that the relationship requires, because the relationship, unchosen, is the relationship that drifts, and the drifting is the thing that the renewing prevents.

The renewing is not the repeating of the vows. The renewing is not the making of the promises. The renewing is the daily, weekly, monthly practice of choosing the relationship, and the choosing, done consistently, is the thing that keeps the relationship alive. The commitment, renewed daily, is the commitment that is alive, and the alive is the thing the whole book is for.

Why Commitment Drifts

The commitment drifts for reasons that are not mysterious, and the not-mysterious is the thing that the renewing must understand, because the understanding is the thing that makes the renewing possible. The commitment drifts because of the routine, and the routine is the thing that the renewing, when it is intentional, interrupts. The commitment drifts because of the busyness, and the busyness is the thing that the renewing, when it is prioritized, addresses. The commitment drifts because of the neglect, and the neglect is the thing that the renewing, when it is tended, replaces. The commitment drifts because of the forgetting, and the forgetting is the thing that the renewing, when it is remembered, prevents.

The commitment drifts slowly, and the slowly is the thing that makes the drifting hard to see, and the hard-to-see is the thing that makes the drifting hard to address, and the hard-to-address is the thing that makes the drifting continue. The commitment, drifted slowly, is the commitment that has been drifting for months or years, and the months or years is the thing that the renewing must address, and the addressing is the thing that the renewing is.

The Practice of Renewing Commitment

The practice of renewing commitment is the practice of the choosing, and the choosing is the thing that the commitment is. The practice, done consistently, is the thing that renews the commitment over time.

The first practice is to choose the relationship daily. The daily choosing is the thing that the commitment begins with, and the beginning is the thing that the daily choosing is. The person who does not choose the relationship daily is the person who is letting the commitment drift, and the drift is the thing that the daily choosing must interrupt. The person who chooses the relationship daily is the person who is keeping the commitment alive, and the alive is the thing that the daily choosing produces. The daily choosing is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the daily choosing, when the life is busy, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The second practice is to prioritize the relationship. The prioritizing is the thing that the commitment continues with, and the continuing is the thing that the prioritizing is. The person who does not prioritize the relationship is the person who is letting the commitment drift, and the drift is the thing that the prioritizing must interrupt. The person who prioritizes the relationship is the person who is keeping the commitment alive, and the alive is the thing that the prioritizing produces. The prioritizing is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the prioritizing, when the demands are many, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The third practice is to tend the relationship. The tending is the thing that the commitment deepens with, and the deepening is the thing that the tending is. The person who does not tend the relationship is the person who is letting the commitment drift, and the drift is the thing that the tending must interrupt. The person who tends the relationship is the person who is keeping the commitment alive, and the alive is the thing that the tending produces. The tending is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the tending, when the energy is low, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The fourth practice is to remember the relationship. The remembering is the thing that the commitment sustains with, and the sustaining is the thing that the remembering is. The person who does not remember the relationship is the person who is letting the commitment drift, and the drift is the thing that the remembering must interrupt. The person who remembers the relationship is the person who is keeping the commitment alive, and the alive is the thing that the remembering produces. The remembering is not the easy thing, and the not-easy is the thing that the practice must address, because the remembering, when the present is demanding, is the thing that is hardest, and the hardest is the thing that the practice must overcome.

The Specific Things to Do

The renewing, to be real, must be done by the specific things, and the specific things are the things that the practice produces. The things to do include:

The daily choice — each day, choose the relationship. Choose to be in it, choose to work on it, choose to tend it. The daily choice, made, is the thing that the commitment is built on, and the built-on is the thing that the daily choice provides.

The regular time — set aside the regular time for the relationship, the time that is protected, the time that is prioritized. The regular time, set aside, is the thing that the commitment is built in, and the built-in is the thing that the regular time provides.

The ongoing work — continue the work of the seeing, the communicating, the connecting, the repairing. The ongoing work, continued, is the thing that the commitment is built by, and the built-by is the thing that the ongoing work provides.

The celebration — celebrate the relationship, the good moments, the milestones, the progress. The celebration, done, is the thing that the commitment is built through, and the built-through is the thing that the celebration provides.

The Obstacles to Renewing

The obstacles to renewing are real, and the real is the thing that the practice must address. The first obstacle is the complacency — the complacency that the relationship is fine, the complacency that the work is done, the complacency that the commitment is secure. The complacency is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the intentionality provides, and the intentionality is the thing that the practice builds.

The second obstacle is the busyness — the busyness of the life, the busyness of the work, the busyness of the everything. The busyness is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the prioritizing provides, and the prioritizing is the thing that the practice builds.

The third obstacle is the fatigue — the fatigue of the work, the fatigue of the life, the fatigue of the everything. The fatigue is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the gentleness provides, and the gentleness is the thing that the practice builds.

The fourth obstacle is the doubt — the doubt that the relationship can be saved, the doubt that the work is worth doing, the doubt that the commitment can be renewed. The doubt is the thing that the practice must overcome, and the overcoming is the thing that the hope provides, and the hope is the thing that the practice builds.

The Renewing Is the Keeping

The renewing of the commitment is the thing that keeps the relationship alive, and the keeping is the thing that the renewing is. The renewing is not the end of the work. The renewing is the thing that makes the work ongoing, and the ongoing is the thing that the renewing provides. The commitment, renewed, is the commitment that is alive, and the alive is the thing the whole book is for, and the for is the thing that the renewing is.

A Final Word

The five steps — seeing clearly, restoring communication, rebuilding connection, repairing damage, renewing commitment — are the steps that, taken before it is too late, give the relationship its best chance. The steps are not the guarantee, and the not-guarantee is the thing that must be accepted, and the accepted is the thing that makes the work honest. The steps are the chance, and the chance is the thing that the steps provide, and the provided is the thing that makes the work worth doing.

The work is not easy. The seeing is hard, the communicating is hard, the connecting is hard, the repairing is hard, the renewing is hard. But the work, done, is the work that can save the relationship, and the saving is the thing that gives the people in it the life the relationship is meant to give. The relationship, saved, is the relationship that holds, and the holding is the thing that the whole book is for.

You did not choose the patterns that produced the distance. You can choose, in the moment you begin the steps, to do the work the relationship requires. The steps are here. The work is clear. The relationship, saved by the steps, is the relationship that is waiting, and the waiting is the thing this book has been honoring, and the honoring is the thing the book is, and the book is now yours, and the relationship is now yours, and the choosing, done, is the thing that makes it so.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C