Quick Win: The 5-Minute Dinner Trick

The dinner table is the place the parent tries to get the teenager to talk, and the trying is the thing that makes the dinner table the place the teenager does not want to be, and the not-wanting is the thing the parent experiences as the silence, and the silence is the thing the parent tries to break with the questions, and the questions are the thing that makes the silence worse, and the worse is the thing this book is here to fix.

This chapter is about the dinner table — why the traditional approach fails, and the thing the parent needs to do instead, and the instead is the thing the five-minute trick is.

The Traditional Approach

The traditional approach is the questions — "How was school?" "What did you do today?" "Anything happen?" — and the questions are the things the teenager answers with the one-word, and the one-word is the thing the parent takes as the rejection, and the rejection is the thing the parent pushes against, and the pushing is the thing that makes the one-word into the silence, and the silence is the thing that makes the dinner the thing the teenager endures rather than enjoys.

Why the Questions Fail

The questions fail because the questions are the parent's agenda, and the parent's agenda is the thing the teenager can feel, and the feeling is the thing that makes the teenager close, and the closing is the thing the questions produce. The teenager at the dinner table is the teenager who knows the parent wants the information, and the wanting-the-information is the thing the teenager withholds, because the withholding is the thing the teenager can control, and the control is the thing the teenager needs, and the needing is the thing the questions threaten.

The Shift

The shift is the thing the five-minute trick is, and the shift is this: the parent stops asking and starts doing, and the doing is the thing that creates the opening the questions cannot, and the opening is the thing the five minutes are for.

The five-minute trick is the thing that replaces the questions, and the replacing is the thing that works, and the works is the thing the parent needs to understand, because the understanding is the thing that makes the trick work, and the trick, used without the understanding, is the trick that fails.

The Trick

The trick is this: for the first five minutes of the dinner, the parent does not ask a single question. The parent talks about their own day — the small, the ordinary, the slightly funny thing that happened — and the talking is the thing the teenager listens to, and the listening is the thing that does the work the questions cannot, because the listening is the thing that makes the teenager feel the parent is a person, and the person is the thing the teenager can talk to, and the talking-to is the thing the five minutes are building.

Why It Works

The five-minute trick works because it removes the pressure, and the pressure is the thing the questions create, and the removing is the thing that lets the teenager relax, and the relaxing is the thing that opens the teenager, and the opening is the thing the trick is for. The teenager, listening to the parent talk about the parent's day, is the teenager who starts to think about the teenager's own day, and the thinking is the thing that, unprompted, produces the sharing, and the sharing is the thing the questions were trying to get and the trick gets without the trying.

The Five Minutes

The five minutes is the time the parent talks, and the time is the thing the parent needs to hold, because the holding is the thing that gives the trick the space to work. The parent who talks for five minutes about the parent's own day is the parent who is giving the teenager the permission to join, and the permission, given without the pressure, is the thing the teenager accepts, and the accepting is the thing that makes the dinner the conversation the parent wanted and the questions could not produce.

The what-to-talk-about is the thing the parent needs to know, and the knowing is the thing that makes the trick work, because the talking-about-the-right-thing is the thing that opens the teenager, and the talking-about-the-wrong-thing is the thing that closes the teenager, and the closing is the thing the parent needs to avoid.

The Right Things

The right things are the small, the ordinary, the slightly funny — the thing the coworker said, the thing that happened in the meeting, the thing the parent saw on the way home, the thing the parent is thinking about that is not the teenager. The right things are the things that show the parent is a person, and the person is the thing the teenager can relate to, and the relating is the thing that opens the door.

The Wrong Things

The wrong things are the things about the teenager — the school, the grades, the friends, the phone, the chores. The wrong things are the things that turn the five minutes back into the questions, and the questions are the things the trick is replacing. The parent who talks about the teenager's business in the five minutes is the parent who has not done the trick, and the not-doing is the thing that makes the trick fail.

The Tone

The tone is the thing that matters as much as the content, and the tone is the thing the parent needs to get right, because the tone is the thing the teenager reads, and the reading is the thing that determines the opening. The tone is the light, the casual, the not-serious — the tone of the person talking to a friend, not the tone of the parent talking to the teenager, and the friend-tone is the thing that makes the teenager the co-conversationalist, and the co-conversationalist is the thing the trick is building.

The moment the teenager starts talking is the moment the parent needs to handle with the care, and the care is the thing that makes the moment the beginning of the conversation, and the beginning is the thing the trick was for, and the mishandling is the thing that kills the moment, and the killing is the thing the parent needs to prevent.

What to Do

The parent listens. The parent does not jump on the opening, does not ask the follow-up question that is really the interrogation, does not show the excitement that the teenager is finally talking. The parent listens the way the parent would listen to a friend — the easy, the interested, the not-too-much — and the listening is the thing that keeps the teenager talking, and the keeping is the thing the moment needs.

What Not to Do

The parent does not ask the follow-up that is the interrogation. The parent does not say "Tell me more about that" in the tone that tells the teenager the parent has been waiting for this. The parent does not turn the teenager's opening into the parent's agenda. The parent lets the teenager talk, and the talking, uninterrupted by the parent's need, is the thing that becomes the conversation, and the conversation is the thing the trick was for.

The Art of the Follow-Up

The follow-up, when it comes, is the thing the parent needs to do naturally, and the naturally is the thing that works. The follow-up is the question that is about the thing the teenager said, not the question that is about the thing the parent wants to know, and the about-the-thing-the-teenager-said is the thing that keeps the conversation going, and the going is the thing the trick was building toward.

The trick is the thing that works once, and the once is the thing the parent needs to repeat, and the repeating is the thing that makes the trick the habit, and the habit is the thing that changes the dinner table, and the changing is the thing the family needs, and the needing is the thing the habit is for.

The Repetition

The repetition is the thing that makes the trick work over time, and the over-time is the thing the parent needs to hold, because the holding is the thing that builds the pattern, and the pattern is the thing the teenager's brain learns, and the learning is the thing that makes the dinner the place the teenager talks, and the talking is the thing the habit produces. The parent who does the trick every night is the parent who is building the habit, and the building is the thing that takes the weeks, and the weeks are the thing the patience is for.

The Consistency

The consistency is the thing that makes the habit the habit, and the habit is the thing the teenager can count on, and the counting-on is the thing that makes the teenager willing, and the willing is the thing the consistency builds. The parent who does the trick sometimes and the questions other times is the parent who keeps the teenager guessing, and the guessing is the thing that keeps the teenager closed, and the closed is the thing the consistency prevents.

The Patience

The patience is the thing the parent needs, and the needing is the thing the parent needs to hold, because the holding is the thing that lets the trick work, and the working is the thing that takes the time, and the time is the thing the parent needs to give, and the giving is the thing the patience is. The trick, done with the patience, is the thing that works, and the working is the thing the family gets, and the getting is the thing the habit was for.

The trick is the thing that starts as the technique and becomes the relationship, and the becoming is the thing the parent needs to see, because the seeing is the thing that makes the effort worth it, and the worth-it is the thing the becoming is. The trick, done over the weeks and the months, is the thing that changes the dinner table from the interrogation into the conversation, and the conversation is the thing the relationship was always wanting, and the wanting is the thing the trick answers.

The Dinner That Works

The dinner that works is the dinner the parent does not have to work for, and the not-working-for is the thing the trick produces, and the producing is the thing that makes the dinner the thing the family enjoys, and the enjoying is the thing the trick was for. The dinner that works is the dinner the teenager talks at, and the talking is the thing that happens without the questions, and the without-questions is the thing the trick built, and the built is the thing the family has, and the having is the thing the relationship is.

The Teenager Who Talks

The teenager who talks is the teenager the trick produces, and the producing is the thing the parent did, and the doing is the thing this book was for. The teenager who talks is not the teenager who tells the parent everything, and the everything is not the goal. The goal is the teenager who tells the parent the things the teenager needs the parent to know, and the knowing is the thing the trick was building, and the building is the thing the parent has done, and the done is the thing the five minutes were always for.

— Dr. David K. Lubega, LICSW, LCSW-C